Oh the shit that you see on Twitter. #Seriously.

I think it’s pretty well known that T loves the social media by now no? I mean if you follow me on Twitter (ahem @tblawg) then you know that I love a tweetin’! Remember my “Most Awesome #Twitter Chicks” List? Those ladies are still the best. And I’m definitely going to do a part 2 soon. Don’t you people worry! So it’s safe to say that I dig Twitter. I do. I tweet funny stuff. Offensive stuff. Angry stuff. Flirty stuff. AWESOME stuff. That’s what Twitter is for. Just like T-blawg itself. To entertain people. And to network. But mostly to not take things so serious! I’ve been on Twitter for a little while now and my time spent on it has allowed me to notice some things. To learn some shit. Come to some conclusions. There are certain things you should do and should not do on Twitter! So I made another T list. About those things. Are you ready??? Here are my Twitter rules people. Enjoy.

DO NOT kiss ass.
Networking is ok. But kissing the ass of strangers is just pathetic. “Oh great tweet. LOLs. winky face. Hashtag youdabest.” Come on!!!

DO post hot pics.
Only if you’re a chick of course. That goes without saying.

DO NOT be fake.
Especially if people know the real you off of Twitter! You just look like a clown to your real life friends.

DO NOT post pics of boyfriends.
Us guys live in a social media fantasy world where we think we can get any girl. We don’t want to see your damn boyfriend. Thank you.

DO retweet the funny!
Whether you think it’s funny or think it’s offensively funny, just retweet it. Who cares. It’s your twitter. Let people know how you roll and that you’re a borderline lunatic.

DO flirt.
It’s ok. No one is going to die.

DO NOT be a stalker.
It’s not ok. Someone is going to die.

DO NOT retweet your horoscope!
I’m a Leo. You’re not. Do you give a shit about what might happen to me today because some asshole tweeted a made up prediction? No?! Exactly. Cut the shit!

DO NOT beg celebrities to tweet or follow you.
I actually think that celebrities should be following all of us because we make their asses rich and famous. But don’t beg them to follow you. Fuck them.

DO try to embarrass and fight celebrities.
I have legit Twitter beefs with Ochocinco. Lebron James. Spike Lee. Pretty much all the Kardashians. Even Kanye West and I’m a fan of his! But if a celebrity is going to be a douche on twitter then you have the responsibility to call them out on it for the entire world to see! Knock them off the pedestal we put them on. It’s fun!

DO NOT post every single fucking pic you take.
Your food? No one gives a shit. Your pet? No one gives a shit. Your car? No one gives a shit. Your bottle of booze? No one gives a shit. See where I’m going with this? Oh. No one gives a shit. Ok fine.

DO post reverse self portrait booty mirror pics.
They. Never. Get. Old.

DO NOT auto DM people!
A generic “Thank you for following me. Check out my site here.” Gets you a more than generic “Go fuck yourself!” Followed by a block.

DO DM people if you’re single and horny.
Why not? The shit that goes down on Twitter after 2AM??? Better than late night Facebook messaging in it’s prime. For reals.

DO NOT try to drop worldly knowledge on people every damn day.
Your life may be awesome in your eyes and you may know some shit. But sharing what you think is advice in about 30 tweets a day just makes you look like a tool. #StopIt.

DO NOT retweet Drake!
That is all.

DO NOT brag about how many followers you have.
So what. You have like 3 friends in real life. And your mom is one of them.

DO NOT tweet every damn Foursquare check in!!!
Who cares if you’re at your stupid job!!! You’re supposed to go to work! Whatchya want? A cookie?!

DO tweet people if you decided to follow them you jerk!
I don’t know why you’d follow someone and never tweet them. What’s the point? Even a simple “What up?” or “You’re ridiculously funny, intelligent and sexy.” every now and then lets me know I’m doing my twitter job.

DO NOT tweet or retweet fake celebrity accounts either.
It clearly says in Megan Fox’s bio that “This is a parody account” honey! Stop retweeting her. She isn’t that smart. It’s not even her! It’s some 50 year-old dude living in his mom’s basement.

DO retweet any angry, drunk or insane movie and comic book character.
Drunk Hulk. Angry Batman. Funny Darth Vader. Kid hating Professor Snape. Those accounts are fucking comedy gold people!

DO NOT hashtag every damn word!
#That #shit #is #so #damn #annoying #you #son #of #a #bitch #bastard!

DO make up your own random hashtags.
#Thatfishcray

DO NOT tweet about how you can’t sleep.
No one gives a flying fuck. Because we’re all sleeping!

DO NOT post anonymous garbage that only you know is an inside joke!
Shit like “That just happened!” What just happened??? And “Laughing so hard right now!” Why are you laughing?! That stuff is so stupid. You’re stupid. I just unfollowed you.

DO follow me.
I mean seriously. This list alone says I’m like a twitter beast that entertains the world! Why aren’t you following?!

So there you have it. There are rules to Twitter people! Now you know. So lets all learn from this and make Twitter a better place or else it will become the next Myspace. I should know. I was a terror and a crazy playa in the prime of Myspace and I may have been the main reason behind its downfall. I’m not sure. But I can’t let the same happen to Twitter! These rules need to be implemented immediately! Thank you.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

Did you like this T-pisode? Then you must like comedy, originality, cool lists, real talk, sports, dating, women and awesomeness? So why aren’t you liking T-blawg on Facebook and following on Twitter? Show that you are awesome and click the “Like” & “Follow” buttons in the blue bar to the left!

You were the greatest Bobby! Damn crack.

T-vlawg is here!

T-vlawg is here!

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I do this every morning as soon as I get out of bed! I swear.

This is how I went to the office everyday in London. Seriously.

*I’ve decided to do a series of T-pisodes that capture my travels throughout my life. In 3 paragraphs. I’ll put them up every once in a while. Some places I’ve been to a few times, others only once. And some I will probably never go back again because of what went down there.

Ah jolly ol’ London England! The mother country…..right? I don’t know. I do know that this was the first time I was sent on a business trip for work where I was pretty much well behaved. I know! Crazy right? I was both pissed and envious of myself at the same time. This trip really let me know that my ass was growing up. I was asked to go to London as a representative of my department this past Summer. It was an international event and we had about 24 people from 17 different countries. Four days and all business. It was an amazing opportunity. Mind you, up until this trip my only exposure to London were Guy Ritchie movies, Clockwork Orange, Austin Powers and Harry Potter. I had no idea what the fuck to expect in London. But I was pumped! Plus I finally would have the chance to get my first stamp in my passport. Stupid ass Bahamas didn’t give me one when I went on that hell cruise. And Canada, AKA America Jr. doesn’t do stamping. So I practiced my “bloody ‘ells,” my “cheerios,” and my “ello govnuhs” and London was on!

Heathrow airport is the size of a city. I had to walk at least 16 miles. At least. To a train that they call the Tube out there but turns out it wasn’t the Tube but a regular train that took me to a Tube station where I had to get a cab that looked like a mini-cooper hearse. Still with me? This cab driver gunned it down the streets Jason Bourne style on the opposite side of the street for no reason! He was cool as shit. My office and hotel were in the “City.” London Town (that’s what us familiars call it) is kind of like NYC in the way that it is broken up in boroughs. My hotel was right at the corner where I could turn and walk The River Thames. London’s version of Boston’s Charles River. I had to work my ass off the entire time. 12-13 hour work days with the 5 hour time difference from Boston then 2 hour group dinners didn’t leave much time for exploring or banging hottie local chicks. But I did get away for a few hours one evening and walked The River Thames. Which unbeknownst to me, brought me to The Eye. Which is an hour long ferris wheel where you get to see Big Ben, Parliament (insert your National Lampoon European Vacation joke here like I did), all types of important castles and shit, a building shaped like a pickle and a bunch of flats (AKA apartments). It was pretty sweet. It filled my temporary touristy hunger.

After my sight seeing adventure I walked through the city and went down every little side street and into every nook I could find. I’m from Boston. No one was going to whip my ass. All the dudes out there were 80lbs rocking skinny jeans. Plus they were all so fucking nice! I don’t know if it was the proper English accent but everyone was nice. And not everyone was from England. London really is an international hub. People from so many different countries just chilling and working and being nice and shit. This niceness was overwhelming at times. Tons of smoking hot women too. They all looked and dressed like models. Except for the ones with bad skin and crooked teeth. That stereotype is real. And there wasn’t any happy medium with the food. I think it had something to do with the water but the low end pub food and sandwiches tasted like dog shit. But the high end restaurant meals were some of the best I ever had! As I walked around London I could only think about how great it would be to come here on a real vacation with a chick instead of finding a chick there and handling my bizness T style! This showed me how much I’ve changed by thinking this way. Plus I really loved this place. And now I really want to bring my mother and nieces there because it would be awesome for them to see some real life castles. I want to go back to London. Again and again. It is now my second favorite city. Only behind Boston. I didn’t see any flying kid wizards or any organized “Lock, Stock & 2 Smoking Barrels” crime. Maybe next time. Because London is amazing. But I love Boston the best.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

Did you like this T-pisode? Then you must like comedy, originality, cool lists, real talk, sports, dating, women and awesomeness? So why aren’t you liking T-blawg on Facebook and following on Twitter? Show that you are awesome and click the “Like” & “Follow” buttons in the blue bar to the left!