I did this once in my life. It absolutely sucked.
I am a full blooded testosterone filled man. I like to look good. I stay in shape. I take care of myself. But I am far from being a pretty boy. Far from being a metrosexual. Case in point. My former neighbor and greatest QB to ever play the game, Tom Brady. He’s a metrosexual. A pretty boy. The only thing I have in common with pretty boy metrosexuals like Tom Brady is grooming. AKA Manscaping. It’s necessary. Every man does it. Few talk about it. Well not T. You want to know about Manscaping rules? Here we go.
The face
I shave every other day. I like a day old stubble. Works well when I’m suited up at the office. Even better on the weekends. I rarely shave on the weekends unless I have a good reason. Like a hot date. Occasionally I’ll grow in a goatee. That’s it. If you grow in a beard keep it tight. It should be a playoff beard really. If you grow in one of those really thin trimmed beard things like you’re a rapper or a boy band singer, you’re an asshole. If you have star shaped symbols or other weird shaped beard designs? You are a douche.
Head
I get a haircut every 3 weeks. By the time you’re 30, you should have a look. It’s not a style. It’s more like a whatever. But it’s your whatever. Usually 5 days after my haircut is when it looks it’s best. I don’t know why. It just does. I keep the sides short. The top a little longer. And throw some shit in sometimes to stick up the front. It’s my whatever. But I keep it looking good and right. You should too. No excuse to go longer than 3 weeks without a haircut.
Eyebrows
Mines are thick. That’s what she said. But I keep them tight with a trimmer. I pluck the loose hairs in between because I don’t want an Italian man unibrow. Fuck that. That is weird. Trim those brows bro.
Ears
I don’t have a major problem but the occasional long hair started sprouting out after the age of 25. I trim that shit with a trimmer too. It’s weird but I’m a man. Shit happens. If you have ear hairs, they shouldn’t be seen. Your ears shouldn’t look like a cactus.
Nose
Pluck those hairs bro. Nothing more nasty than talking to a chick and a long ass jungle vine drops out of your nose and floats in the wind.
Back of the neck
This area should always be clean. In between haircuts I take buzzers to it. Women appreciate the clean look back there. They like touching it when they pull you in close to tell you a secret. Haha.
Chest
I’m Italian. So I have manly chest hair. I have since I hit puberty. I also used to be a young gym rat who used to shave his chest almost daily. Now that I’m 30+ not so much anymore. I embrace my chest hair. I’m a fucking man. Not a little boy. I’m also not a werewolf like some Italians, so my chest mane stays well kept mostly on it’s own. With the occasional Summer shave down. Hey. It’s a habit I’m not sure needs breaking. Depends on the chick in your bed yo. Remember that.
Back
Back hair is a touchy subject for men. It’s like chicks who can grow in man mustaches. Not those cute light blonde chick mustaches. I’m talking like the shit I can grow on my face! And a lot of women can. So you run to go get that shit waxed 3 times a week at the place near your work on the down low and act like you don’t have a problem. That’s cool. I get it. Same with back hair for us dudes. I’m lucky enough that my awesome Italian man genetics don’t give me a forest on my back but I can grow in a small thin coating up top near my shoulders. I used to go get a wax like every 6 months. It wasn’t really painful. Just annoying. But the chicks that did it were really hot and I always hoped for a happy ending because it felt like a Taiwanese massage parlor. It was pretty cheap for me because there wasn’t much to wax. Thank God. Then a few years ago I was at Bed Bath & Beyond with a chick bored out of my damn skull and came across the Man Groomer. It’s a long thin buzzer for your back basically. $40. Score. Now I use that when I’m Manscaping. Maybe you should too.
The whole man junk area
A real man doesn’t take a razor and shave his dick area bald. Don’t try to look like a newborn baby. That’s weird bro. Seriously. And you’re not a porn star with that thing. Chill out. But don’t have a 70s porn bush down there either. Take the buzzers to it once a week and trim it down a little. Above it. The balls. The shaft. The taint. Keep it tight and looking good. It’s our gift to the world!
The arms
I’ve recently been told by a woman that shaved man arms make her want to vomit. The old gym rat in me says to shave them down. Plus I have tattoos on my forearms. Honestly, most of the time now I just let them be. I’m a man who has hairy arms. Not like Robin Williams fur hairy. But Italian hair nonetheless. Fuck it. I’m a grown ass man and you can still see the tats. I say keep the arm hair. Until you don’t want to. I flip flop on this like the chest sometimes. Sue me.
Anywhere else on the body
Ass. Legs. Armpits. Toe knuckles. You do whatever the hell you want. I consider these parts unimportant until they need to be important. If you get serious with a chick and she has to look at you and all these parts, then just do whatever the hell she says to them. Because she’ll be touching them and looking at them more than you. And all those other parts I named above too actually. At this point, she is your Manscaping expert. Keep her happy. Just makes sure she does her Ladyscaping to keep you happy.
Manscaping. We all should do it. Not just Tom Brady. Now you know.
Do you manscape? Is it wrong? Is it a necessity? Do you even care??? Ladies, what do you think? Tweet me, Facebook me or comment it up right here on t-blawg!
Until next time. Always take it there.
T
-At least every fifth text! Every single text to a hot chick. Fo’ reals.
