post

My “The 1st Ten: T’s Action Flick” Post

September 19, 2011 By 2 Comments

Mafia, violence, sex and death. What else do you need?

In case you didn’t know, I’m not just an honest, funny, original blogger. I’m also a screenwriter. And some of you have asked to read some of my scripts. Ok. Some of my work is being shopped around but I would like to share some material right here on t-blawg. Copyrighted material! So you steal it, I sue! In Hollywood if you can get somebody to read through the first ten pages, then you may have a decent script. It’s the introduction. So I am presenting a new feature here on t-blawg. It’s called “The 1st Ten”.

This script is an action movie. R rated. Think “Seven” meets “The Crow.”

How does a betrayed hit man redeem his soul while trying to bring a balance between Heaven and Hell during his time in purgatory?

I present “T’s Action Flick”:

*Don’t mind the formatting here!

FADE IN:

INT. ST. PETER’S CHURCH — NIGHT

The fallen angel, REDEMPTION, is explaining the history of God and Satan; angels and demons; Heaven and Hell.  We do not see Redemption.

Images of drawings and colors are blurred across the screen.

Drawings and paintings of Jesus on the cross and Satan in Hell are shown in and out of focus.  Along with images of beautiful angels and disgusting demons.

Blurred images of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are shown as well.  Images of Death, War, Pestilence and Famine.

Candles are lit around the church altar.

REDEMPTION (V.O.)
Many believe that Satan was an angel cast from Heaven. An angel that was once the closest angel to God.  An angel that sinned. Some say he became a fallen angel.
(beat)
Once an angel falls into the depths of hell, the angel becomes a demon.  Sentenced to an afterlife of eternal pain. Eternal suffering. Paying for those sins forever.
(beat)
The angels and demons; they are also the soldiers of Heaven and Hell.  Soldiers for God and Satan.  Soldiers readying for the Apocalypse.  Armageddon.  The end of time.
(beat)
But there are angels and demons that have escaped Hell.  Left Heaven.  They are among mankind.
(beat)
What happens to man when he sins?  He is judged at his time of death.  His time in purgatory is when it is decided where he will go in the afterlife.
(beat)
An angel in Heaven or a demon in Hell.
(beat)
But sometimes that is a difficult judgement to make.

EXT. BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS — DAY

We see a shot of the beautiful city’s skyline.

SUPERIMPOSE: THIRTEEN YEARS AGO

INT. DON CICCONE’S HOUSE — DAY

DON MULININO CICCONE, an old and physically weak man, is talking to FRANCO “FRANKIE GUNS” MOCELLI, forty something, a tall, handsome man, as a jealous VINCENT “VISCERA” CICCONE, forty something as well, an evil and heartless man and knows it, stops at the doorway to listen unnoticed to his father and Franco.

DON CICCONE
You’re one of the main reasons why the pact has been kept for the past seven years since the last war between the families Franco.

FRANCO
Yeah, a hit man keeping the peace.

DON CICCONE
Something different I know, but this is how it’s supposed to be.  For the children and for us.  In the after life.

FRANCO
Where I end up isn’t important.  It’s about Dante and Italya.  That’s what matters.

DON CICCONE
Same for the LoPello children as well.

Viscera walks in.

VISCERA
I think the LoPellos have a different plan Dad.

Viscera hugs his father and kisses his cheek.

DON CICCONE
What are you talking about?

VISCERA
The word I got is that DON LOPELLO is planning a hit.
(beat)
On us.

FRANCO
This info come from your guys?

Viscera walks over to Franco.

VISCERA
My horsemen are reliable soldiers Frankie. Their word is the truth old buddy.

FRANCO
(leaning into Viscera)
Like yours?

VISCERA
(smiling)
Exactly!

DON CICCONE
Alright.  Enough.  Don LoPello knows that the families can co-exist. We can’t work together or kill each other in our homes or at the church.  It’s not the way.

VISCERA
The pact is old and ridiculous!  We need to hit them first!  Take those motherfuckers out once and for all and end all this shit!

DON CICCONE
(angry)
Shut your mouth!  This is the way it’s got to be and you know that!

VISCERA
This shit with the church and the angels and demons, hell and heaven, life and death, honor and fucking pacts! It’s the old way! We’re men!  We’re humans! We eat.  We drink. We fuck! We kill! We sin!  We take what we want!

Don Ciccone and Franco look at him.

VISCERA (CONT’D)
(angry)
It’s time for war!
(beat)
If I was Don-

FRANCO
(interrupting)
But you’re not Vis.  You’re not.

Viscera looks at Franco and smiles.

DON CICCONE
We are not going to war.  But this is something we have to be sure about.  Franco, at ALESSANDRA’s birthday at the LoPello house, find out.  Get answers.  Members from both families will be there for the celebration of Don LoPello’s daughter’s birthday.

FRANCO
DANTE will be there too.  I’m not killing anybody in the LoPello house with my son around.

DON CICCONE
There will be no death in the house, not where any of the children are, you know that.

VISCERA
Again with the old ways!  You think they will honor that when they are planning to hit us?

DON CICCONE
Some people still have honor!

Viscera gives him a dirty look and starts to storm off.

VISCERA
(walking out)
And some are still blind fools living in another time!

DON CICCONE
Start with Arno.  See what he knows.

FRANCO
Why him?

DON CICCONE
This fool isn’t as blind as some may think he is.

Franco nods agreeing to do what he has been asked by his Don.

EXT. DON LOPELLO’S HOUSE — DAY

It’s ALESSANDRA LOPELLO’s, 13, birthday.  There are balloons, lots of children and adults all sitting at tables in the large yard of this enormous house.  Men dressed in expensive suits are sitting together talking to each other.  It is obvious that these men are from the two opposing families.

DON LOPELLO, 43, and his men are sitting at their own tables while Don Ciccone and his men are sitting at another.

Viscera is sitting at a table with four men.  His Four Horsemen.  BOBBY DELUCA, a handsome man in a pale suit sits next to Viscera; this is Death.  Next to him, wearing a red suit is MAD MIKEY SALERNO; this is War.  He is skinny with red hair.  Next to him is SAL AINELLO; this is Pestilence wearing a white suit.  He is rugged and tough.  Sitting next to him is LORENZO CICCONE, a very heavy man dressed in a black suit; this is Famine.

BOBBY
I can’t stand being at this house with them.

VISCERA
Don’t worry Bobby.  Things are about to change.

Viscera gives him an evil smile as he places his hand on his arm. Death returns the smile.

INT. PLAYROOM DON LOPELLO’S HOUSE — DAY

DANTE MOCELLI, 13, GREG HARMON, 13, and Alessandra LoPello are playing.

GREG
So now that you’re a teenager Sandy, you think your dad will let you have a boyfriend?  Like maybe Dante?

DANTE
Shut up Greg.

Alessandra smiles.

ALESSANDRA
Maybe.  But my boyfriend would have to be cute and a really good kisser.

DANTE
How would you know who’s a good kisser?

ALESSANDRA
Only one way to find out.

She kisses Dante quickly. Dante turns red.

GREG
Oh man!  Look at how red you are!  I’ve never seen an Italian turn that red! You look all sunburned guy!

Greg hits Dante in the arm.

Embarrassed, Dante runs off.

Alessandra hits Greg. He shrugs.

INT. LIBRARY DON LOPELLO’S HOUSE — DAY

Franco is holding ARNO LOPELLO against the wall.

ARNO
(scared)
I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about Frankie!

FRANCO
Don’t lie to me Arno.  If you were with any other family I would’ve killed you by now.  Tell me what I need to know. Is Don LoPello planning a hit on our family?

ARNO
No Frankie!  You know we can’t do that!

FRANCO
Then what’s going on?

ARNO
It was Vis and me.  We-

FRANCO
(angry)
What?!  You two what?!

Dante is running down the hall and hears the commotion.

He hears his father’s voice.  He stops in front of the library door and listens.

ARNO
We’ve been working together, bringing in China White and putting it on the streets through his horsemen.

FRANCO
(upset)
You two have been putting heroin on the street together?  What the fuck are you two doing?  YOU KNOW THE RULES WE LIVE BY! Both Dons would have you two killed!

ARNO
(terrified)
You can’t say anything to them!  Or to Viscera Frankie!

FRANCO
You both have to answer for this.  The consequences are worse than death Arno.

ARNO
No!

Arno goes for one of Franco’s two holstered guns.  Both have silencers.

Dante hears the struggle and opens the door to see his father and Arno fighting over the gun.  Franco pulls the gun down and it goes off into Arno.  He drops.

Franco turns and sees that his son just witnessed the event.

FRANCO
Dante!

Greg is walking down the hallway looking for Dante.

He walks up to the doorway.

GREG
Dante, where are you guy?

Dante looks at his father and rushes out of the room to stop Greg from seeing what happened.

GREG (CONT’D)
There you are.  Are you ok?

DANTE
(stunned)
Yeah.  Yeah.
(beat)
Where’s Alessandra?

GREG
She went outside looking for you guy.

DANTE
Let’s go find her.

Dante drags Greg away.

Franco looks out and sees what Dante did.

INT. DON CICCONE’S LIVING ROOM — LATER

Franco and Viscera are alone face to face.

FRANCO
(angry)
I need to talk to your father now!

VISCERA
I told you, he’s sleeping.  He’s an old, sick man Frankie!  Talk to me. What happened exactly?

FRANCO
I’ll tell your father.

VISCERA
Tell me.

FRANCO
Arno LoPello is dead.  I shot him and brought his body to the church where we’re all supposed to go.

VISCERA
(happy)
You killed him?  In the LoPello house?

Franco stares at him.

VISCERA (CONT’D)
Good for you!  You’re a hit man!  You earned your paycheck Frankie!

He puts his hand on his shoulder.  Franco pulls his arm off him and grabs him.

FRANCO
You motherfucker!  I know what the two of you were doing!

VISCERA
Fuck what that piece of shit told you! He was trying to save his ass!

Viscera’s Four Horsemen walk in.

VISCERA (CONT’D)
(smiling)
Now get your fucking hands off me Frankie.

Franco looks at the Horsemen.

FRANCO
I’m not afraid of you or them.

VISCERA
You should be.

Franco lets him go.

FRANCO
My son saw what I did today.  I’m going home to talk to him.  I want out of this.

VISCERA
You know there’s no way out.  We’re all in it for life and even the after life right?

He looks at his horsemen and they all laugh.

VISCERA (CONT’D)
Go home to your family Frankie.  Clear that head of yours.  Then we can talk about what we’re going to tell Dad. Cause you’re like a son to him.  Shit, I think you are more of a son to him than I am sometimes!

FRANCO
When I come back, the Don will hear it all Vis.  Every detail.

Franco turns around to leave.  Bobby and Mikey block his path.

FRANCO (CONT’D)
Get the fuck out of my way.

Bobby looks at Viscera.  Viscera gives him a nod to let Franco pass.

Death turns to let him pass.

VISCERA
(as Franco leaves)
Remember Frankie!  We’re all family here!

Bobby walks up to Viscera.

BOBBY
Will the war start now?

VISCERA
We’ll have to make sure it does.

BOBBY
What do you mean?

VISCERA
Arno’s death isn’t enough.

The horsemen all look at Viscera.

VISCERA (CONT’D)
Frankie Guns must die.
(beat)
Kill him and his entire family.
(beat)
No sign that it was us.  Make it look like it was the LoPellos.

Bobby smiles. He puts on his sunglasses and leads the Horsemen away.

Viscera lights a cigar.

So there it is. I shared the 1st ten pages of my action movie with a sci-fi twist. Lots of shit goes down in this movie! Let’s of murder and mayhem with some thinking man’s content. A real stylized movie. Hope you liked what you’ve read so far!

Would you read more??? Would you go see this movie?! Let me know on here, Facebook, BuzzFeed or Twitter!

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

Filed Under: Boston, Edgy, Entertainment, Interesting, Movies, Screenwriting, t-blawg, TV, Uncategorized, Writing Tagged With: , , , , , ,
post

My “Another Birthday Epiphany?” Post

August 22, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Just once. Please God. Just one fucking bday let it happen!

It’s my birthday. Another year gone by. Another year starting. So it’s time for another birthday epiphany post. This was last year’s. Last year I was humbled. I got hit with some major ass kryptonite and Superman lost his ability to fly. So I entered my “Legendary” Larry Bird year humanized. What did I learn during my Larry Bird year? A lot actually. I learned who my real family is. Who my real friends are. But most importantly, I learned a lot about myself. What I’m really capable of. And I learned that I have a lot of resolve. I learned that once I put my mind and heart into something, I get it done. I accomplish. I don’t break. This has actually been one hell of a fantastic year for me when I really think about it. The world tested the shit out of T and I stood tall. When all the dust was settled and all the smoke had cleared, I came out on top. Finally. After 2 years of battling in almost every aspect possible, I had won. I came through in the clutch. And I enter my Truth/Clutch year. My Paul Pierce/David Ortiz year.

What do I want to happen during this next year? Hmm. Again, I don’t let the age number dictate my life. I also don’t go by the regular fiscal year. I go birthday to birthday. So this year I just want it all. That’s right. Everything that I want I am going to get. And that’s the Truth. So I need to come through in the Clutch. Like only I can. I’m swinging for the fucking fences this year baby! I’m getting the title. Another title for Titletown! My banner is getting raised to the rafters. I want the success. I want the girl. I want Hollywood. I want my family to be set. I’m going toe to toe and taking out anything and anyone that gets in my way. Nothing is stopping me. I now have the foundation built and a life tested playbook for success. Now it’s just time to execute.

I definitely could write about my awesome annual bday bash that always has the same people there every year when I write these. My closest people. My inner circle. The ones who help me do what I do. The ones I do it for. They know this. Those parties are fucking epic. Let’s just say Puffy and Jay-Z don’t have shit on T’s birthday parties. But I would rather write about where my head is at. Where my heart is at. Where my life is at during my birthday. I think everybody should reflect on their birthday. The year that passed. The year ahead. It really is an epiphany. Your eyes are opened. Your head is cleared. Your heart is realigned. You see the Truth. You see what you have done or need to do in the Clutch. This is where I’m at. This is the year I have ahead for myself. And I’m fucking pumped for it!  It’s my Paul Pierce year. My David Ortiz year. Watch next year’s post. Mark my words. Happy bday to T.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

Filed Under: Alcohol, Awesomeness, Birthday, Blog, Boston, Celebrity, Comedy, Crazy, Different, Edgy, Entertainment, Exciting, Facebook, Family, Funny, Holiday, Humor, Interesting, Life, Opinionated, Party, Screenwriting, Social Media, Sports, t-blawg, Titletown, Twitter, Uncategorized, Women, Work, Writing Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
post

My “T Does Poughkeepsie in 3 Paragraphs” Post

August 15, 2011 By 5 Comments

The Albanian bartender was hotter

*I’ve decided to do a series of blog posts that capture my travels throughout my life. In 3 paragraphs. I’ll post them every once in a while. Some places I’ve been to a few times, others only once. And some I will probably never go back to because of what went down there.

If you’re from Poughkeepsie you may not want to read this “T Does City in 3 Paragraphs.” I’m serious. Ok. I warned you. I fucking hate Poughkeepsie. It is the taint of America. THE TAINT!!! The ass ball connector! It is horrible. I’ve been to Po-Town once in my life and I will never, ever go back. Now some people have their stereotypical opinions on why they think Poughkeepsie sucks. Not me. I have a legit beef with that fucking place. It’s personal. It’s ugly. And it’s time I tell the story right here on t-blawg. Most of my friends know this story. Because they laugh because they know me. Now years later I can laugh. But it took me over 3 years to get over what transpired there.

Enter November 2007. A good friend of mine moved back home to Poughkeepsie. She’s a really close friend. A member of my bullpen. She would always come back to Boston to visit so I figured I should visit her there. Plus I wanted to see her life there. I left work at 7PM on a Friday night. Shot to the store to pick up a nice new button up. Was on the Mass Pike by 8:30. After 3 & ½ hours of driving by myself and pumping red bull I finally got to her house. She and her roommate greeted me with wine. We killed that quick. Then we went to the only damn club in the whole town. I will not even give that place any publicity on my blog. Let’s call it “Fuckface.” The bartender was smoking hot and loved my Boston attitude. We hit it off. She gave me drinks. All the while this town unbeknownst to me, was apparently an Albanian mafia heavy town. That’s cool yo. I like everybody. Until there is a problem. So some Albanians in “Fuckface” didn’t like that the hottie Albanian bartender liked me. And I guess some of the Albanian chicks there were grilling me and their dudes didn’t like that either. So I kept drinking. “Fuckface” closes earlier than most spots and everybody left. I go to grab my expensive jacket in an empty coat check and it’s gone. This was a problem.

I’m from East Boston. Growing up, people would beat your ass and take your coat, hat and sneakers all the time. Well I never let that happen to me as a kid. So as an adult that shit was not going to happen to me in this hillbilly town in this club “Fuckface.” I went nuts. The cops came. They questioned people who worked at “Fuckface.” Nothing. They played video footage back. Nothing. And no coat room video camera either. So now everybody from “Fuckface” said to try the bar next door because the degenerates from this club may have stolen my jacket and went over there to finish the night. Cops told me not to, I did anyways. I looked around. My coat wasn’t there. I’m so drunk at this point I don’t even remember what the Albanian dudes from “Fuckface” look like. So after the police leave, hey fuck the police, I take the prison approach. Which is “Go after the biggest dog in the yard and beat his ass to set an example.” Hey I was drunk and angry. I know. And stupid. So, I go up to the biggest Albanian in there, shove my forearm into his throat and slam him against the wall demanding my jacket. Ten bouncers pull me out of there. I get on the phone to some old school Boston buddies and tell them to drive to Po-Town so we can blow this town up. My cousin told me to calm down and to be careful of the Albanian mafia. What?! He said I could get into some shit and I was far from Boston. Nobody told me about this before I decided to come to Poughkeepsie. I really wish somebody did. My friend and her brother took me to my first real diner and calmed me down. I went back to “Fuckface” the next day and scared the owner a bit. He cut a check for my coat. It wasn’t about the money. It was the principle. That was the last time the old me ever showed his face again. Thank God. I apologized to my friend. Spent the next night freezing my ass off without a coat and then went back home to Boston the next day. I vowed to never go back to Poughkeepsie again. I fucking hate Poughkeepsie. But I love Boston the most.

What do you think of this “T Does Some City”??? Definitely a negative review but look what happened! Have you ever been to Po-Town? What was your experience? And were you aware of the Albanian mafia??? I want to know! Here or on the Facebook page or tweet me on Twitter.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

Filed Under: Alcohol, Awesomeness, Blog, Boston, Comedy, Crazy, Different, Edgy, Entertainment, Exciting, Facebook, Funny, Humor, Interesting, Life, Opinionated, Party, Social Media, t-blawg, travel, Twitter, Uncategorized, Women, Writing Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
post

My “Bro Bachelor Party Code” Post

August 8, 2011 By 7 Comments

Watch this 80s classic before any bachelor party. It's friggin' "Bachelor Party!"

If you’ve been reading t-blawg, then you know I’m a real believer in Bro Code. Seriously. First there was my “I Respect the Bro Code and You Should Too” post. Which has reached iconic status. Google it. Then there was the “Bro Dress Code.” Which has reached epic proportions. Google that too. And the last chapter was my sure to be legendary “Bro Strip Club Code” post. Today I am here to add an interesting chapter that most men don’t talk about outside of their inner Bro Circle. They don’t want this part of the Bro Code public. And hey, I get that. I really do. But it is my responsibility to share my life knowledge right here on t-blawg.com! It’s what I do. So today I reveal the latest chapter in my Bro Code rule book….the “Bro Bachelor Party Code.” Wait! Hold on! Slow your roll. Don’t worry fellas. I’m not blowing up your spot. My spot. Our spots. We’re all in this together. The about to be married. The married. The single. The rules will be given without any incrimination. Trust me. T knows what he’s doing here. I’ve been in 6 bachelor parties in my life. And I know tons of other guys who have as well. These rules come from and for us all. The “Bro Bachelor Party Code.”

Thy Bachelor Party Email
A generic email is sent out with a subject line like “How about that game last night?” from the best man and brother(s) to all the bachelor’s bros. Make sure it’s secure. Just in case any outsiders like girlfriends or wives may read it. Tell all the guys that the bachelor party planning has been initiated. Email back if interested. Boom. No details yet. Hash that shit out once you get the replies.

Thy Two Types of Bachelor Parties
There is the home. And there is the away. You can have one. You can have both. Sometimes there are a few. Either way, this must be communicated to the bachelor and the participants. Everyone must be allowed the essential allocated time to plan. Many bachelor parties get fucked up because there is a failure to communicate. Don’t fuck it up!

Thy Bachelor Party Essentials
All that generic golf, spa, camping, fishing shit etc. can or cannot happen. This is the real shit right here! Dinner-to please the old fuckers and weirdos so you can get rid of them and the bachelor’s future in-laws early so the ugly shit can then happen. Booze-goes without saying. Transportation-to get every single guy around. Especially the bachelor. Naked Girls-whether it’s a strip club, strippers in a hotel or getting regular chicks naked on the party bus, it must happen. Casino-Vegas or the local Indian casino. Doesn’t matter. Find one.

Ye ‘Ol Bachelor
It’s about him. Period. But he has no say. And can’t know what is going to happen ahead of time. This way he can’t get into shit with the bride to be before the party and say something like “Suzie doesn’t want any gambling or strippers.” Yeah ok buddy. Fuck Suzie. So you don’t tell him shit! And he must get drunk within proportion to what you are doing to him. He will need to be functional enough to take the whole night in. Bachelor party bros’ job is to make sure the bachelor has fun not die. His wife can slowly kill him over time after the honeymoon. Zing!

Ye guys go to dinner
Have this dinner. Nice and early. For the bride’s dad, uncles, brothers and cousins. Feed them. Chat them up. And then let them know it’s time for them to go. Be nice. But be firm. I don’t give a shit if the bachelor thinks any of them are cool. These guys are not a part of the inner circle. They will make the bachelor feel weird during one of his lap dances or 82nd shot. Get rid of them. All of them. Even his dad and annoying, weird hillbilly relatives. Shit just got real.

There shall be no physical proof the party ever happened. Ever.
If you bring a camera you get punched in the face. If you take a pic with your phone, it gets smashed in your face. If you check-in/foursquare in any place on the bachelor party path, you get stabbed in the face.

There shall be naked women
Doesn’t matter if the bachelor was firmly against this. He’ll be happy as a pig in shit when he has some big ass titties in his face. Whether it’s on the bus, in the club or in a Vegas suite in the Bellagio the naked women must happen. It’s his last hurrah. Whether he engages in sexual activities or not with them is totally up to the bachelor. Just pay for him. Don’t ever judge him. And always act like it didn’t happen. He may be a douche for doing it, but it’s his party.

There shall be gambling
A card game. A casino. Flipping fucking quarters behind the 7-11. An intense game of friggin’ Uno! Whatever. Gamble!

There shall be lots of booze
At the dinner. The bus. The hotel. The bar. The strip club. The club club. Booze all over the place! The bachelor should have a drink at all times. Doesn’t need to double fist. Just never thirsty.

There shall be no communication to thy outside world
No phone calls. No texts. No facebooking. Not for the groom. Not for anybody! Who the fuck are you talking to at a bachelor party while you’re smashed and have 2 naked chicks molesting each other on the stage in front of you anyways?! Just take the groom’s phone from him right after the dinner.

Thy groom never ever sends flowers to thy crazy bride
This admits guilt or will make the bride think you’re guilty of something even if you didn’t do anything dumb ass. It isn’t sweet. It isn’t smart. Shut up. The guys must make sure the bachelor doesn’t do this on an away bachelor party. This is a major bachelor party foul.

All bros shall pay. No freebies.
Any cheap dudes need not come. Seriously. Bachelor parties are not cheap. If you can’t participate, stay home. Nothing personal but nobody likes that guy who can’t pay when it’s his round. Or doesn’t throw in for any of the entertainment or anything. Just stay the hell home and take the bachelor out for some drinks on your own.

There shall be fear!
Sometimes the occasional bride brother or rat bastard cousin makes it on the whole bachelor party run. As the bachelor’s bro it is your job to either install fear into the hearts of them or pay to have some dirty sexual shit done to them to keep them silent. I’ve offered to kill a couple of the bride’s brothers in my time but the bachelor stopped me. So I just threatened the shit out of them then had a hot ass waitress do mouth to mouth shots to them. It worked.

Thy Bachelor Pays for Nothing
Not a single drink. Not one cover charge. Not one gas station stop snack. Not one lap dance. Not one hand job. NOTHING!!! I’ve seen too many bachelors pay out of pocket for shit on their bachelor parties because their buddies were either too cheap, broke or selfishly looking out for themselves to cover for them. Bullshit. He doesn’t pay. That’s it.

AFTER THY PARTY!

Nobody shall ever talk about the bachelor party once it has ended!
The bachelor cannot talk to the bride about it. The other bros cannot talk to each other about it. You are now bonded to that inner bro circle for life. Whether you are long time friends or total strangers with the other bros. You never bring up what another bro did at that bachelor party if you ever end up in an argument with that bro. And no one can talk to anyone outside of the bachelor party about it ever! It’s like it never happened. Get it? Good.

So there you have it. The latest chapter in T’s Bro Code. The Bro Bachelor Party Code. I don’t want to see any dudes messing up any other bachelor parties from this moment on. Or even speaking about them. Ever. You now know the deal. It has been written, so shall it be!

What did you think of the latest Bro Code chapter? Is it right on? Did it help? Did this one break Bro Code? Let me know! You know the deal. Right here or on Twitter and Facebook!

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

Filed Under: Alcohol, Awesomeness, Blog, Bro Code, Comedy, Crazy, Different, Edgy, Entertainment, Exciting, Facebook, Funny, Humor, Interesting, Las Vegas, Life, Money, Opinionated, Party, Sex, Social Media, t-blawg, travel, Twitter, Uncategorized, Wing Man, Women, Writing Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
post

My “T’s Manscaping Rules” Post

August 1, 2011 By 8 Comments

I did this once in my life. It absolutely sucked.

I am a full blooded testosterone filled man. I like to look good. I stay in shape. I take care of myself. But I am far from being a pretty boy. Far from being a metrosexual. Case in point. My former neighbor and greatest QB to ever play the game, Tom Brady. He’s a metrosexual. A pretty boy. The only thing I have in common with pretty boy metrosexuals like Tom Brady is grooming. AKA Manscaping. It’s necessary. Every man does it. Few talk about it. Well not T. You want to know about Manscaping rules? Here we go.

The face
I shave every other day. I like a day old stubble. Works well when I’m suited up at the office. Even better on the weekends. I rarely shave on the weekends unless I have a good reason. Like a hot date. Occasionally I’ll grow in a goatee. That’s it. If you grow in a beard keep it tight. It should be a playoff beard really. If you grow in one of those really thin trimmed beard things like you’re a rapper or a boy band singer, you’re an asshole. If you have star shaped symbols or other weird shaped beard designs? You are a douche.

Head
I get a haircut every 3 weeks. By the time you’re 30, you should have a look. It’s not a style. It’s more like a whatever. But it’s your whatever. Usually 5 days after my haircut is when it looks it’s best. I don’t know why. It just does. I keep the sides short. The top a little longer. And throw some shit in sometimes to stick up the front. It’s my whatever. But I keep it looking good and right. You should too. No excuse to go longer than 3 weeks without a haircut.

Eyebrows
Mines are thick. That’s what she said. But I keep them tight with a trimmer. I pluck the loose hairs in between because I don’t want an Italian man unibrow. Fuck that. That is weird. Trim those brows bro.

Ears
I don’t have a major problem but the occasional long hair started sprouting out after the age of 25. I trim that shit with a trimmer too. It’s weird but I’m a man. Shit happens. If you have ear hairs, they shouldn’t be seen. Your ears shouldn’t look like a cactus.

Nose
Pluck those hairs bro. Nothing more nasty than talking to a chick and a long ass jungle vine drops out of your nose and floats in the wind.

Back of the neck
This area should always be clean. In between haircuts I take buzzers to it. Women appreciate the clean look back there. They like touching it when they pull you in close to tell you a secret. Haha.

Chest
I’m Italian. So I have manly chest hair. I have since I hit puberty. I also used to be a young gym rat who used to shave his chest almost daily. Now that I’m 30+ not so much anymore. I embrace my chest hair. I’m a fucking man. Not a little boy. I’m also not a werewolf like some Italians, so my chest mane stays well kept mostly on it’s own. With the occasional Summer shave down. Hey. It’s a habit I’m not sure needs breaking. Depends on the chick in your bed yo. Remember that.

Back
Back hair is a touchy subject for men. It’s like chicks who can grow in man mustaches. Not those cute light blonde chick mustaches. I’m talking like the shit I can grow on my face! And a lot of women can. So you run to go get that shit waxed 3 times a week at the place near your work on the down low and act like you don’t have a problem. That’s cool. I get it. Same with back hair for us dudes. I’m lucky enough that my awesome Italian man genetics don’t give me a forest on my back but I can grow in a small thin coating up top near my shoulders. I used to go get a wax like every 6 months. It wasn’t really painful. Just annoying. But the chicks that did it were really hot and I always hoped for a happy ending because it felt like a Taiwanese massage parlor. It was pretty cheap for me because there wasn’t much to wax. Thank God. Then a few years ago I was at Bed Bath & Beyond with a chick bored out of my damn skull and came across the Man Groomer. It’s a long thin buzzer for your back basically. $40. Score. Now I use that when I’m Manscaping. Maybe you should too.

The whole man junk area
A real man doesn’t take a razor and shave his dick area bald. Don’t try to look like a newborn baby. That’s weird bro. Seriously. And you’re not a porn star with that thing. Chill out. But don’t have a 70s porn bush down there either. Take the buzzers to it once a week and trim it down a little. Above it. The balls. The shaft. The taint. Keep it tight and looking good. It’s our gift to the world!

The arms
I’ve recently been told by a woman that shaved man arms make her want to vomit. The old gym rat in me says to shave them down. Plus I have tattoos on my forearms. Honestly, most of the time now I just let them be. I’m a man who has hairy arms. Not like Robin Williams fur hairy. But Italian hair nonetheless. Fuck it. I’m a grown ass man and you can still see the tats. I say keep the arm hair. Until you don’t want to. I flip flop on this like the chest sometimes. Sue me.

Anywhere else on the body
Ass. Legs. Armpits. Toe knuckles. You do whatever the hell you want. I consider these parts unimportant until they need to be important. If you get serious with a chick and she has to look at you and all these parts, then just do whatever the hell she says to them. Because she’ll be touching them and looking at them more than you. And all those other parts I named above too actually. At this point, she is your Manscaping expert. Keep her happy. Just makes sure she does her Ladyscaping to keep you happy.

Manscaping. We all should do it. Not just Tom Brady. Now you know.

Do you manscape? Is it wrong? Is it a necessity? Do you even care??? Ladies, what do you think? Tweet me, Facebook me or comment it up right here on t-blawg!

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

Filed Under: Awesomeness, Blog, Bro Code, Comedy, Crazy, Dating, Different, Edgy, Entertainment, Exciting, Facebook, Funny, Health, Humor, Interesting, Life, Opinionated, Sex, Social Media, t-blawg, Tattoos, Twitter, Uncategorized, Women, Writing Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
post

My “The 1st Ten: T’s Bromance Comedy” Post

July 25, 2011 By 4 Comments

T's autobiography or one hell of a movie?!

In case you didn’t know, I’m not just an honest, funny, original blogger. I’m also a screenwriter. And some of you have asked to read some of my scripts. Ok. Some of my work is being shopped around but I would like to share some material right here on t-blawg. Copyrighted material! So you steal it, I sue! In Hollywood if you can get somebody to read through the first ten pages, then you may have a decent script. It’s the introduction. So I am presenting a new feature here on t-blawg. It’s called “The 1st Ten”.

This script is a bromance comedy. PG-13ish. Think “The Hangover” meets “40 Year-Old Virgin.”

How does the ultimate bachelor have a relationship with “the one” when all he knows is hooking up and his married buddies refuse to let him settle down because they live for his many conquests?

I present “T’s Bromance Comedy”:

*Don’t mind the formatting here!

FADE IN:

INT. TOMMY’S BEDROOM. DAY
A beautiful WOMAN, 23, is on top of TOMMY, 25, kissing him in bed. Tommy is good looking. He’s in shape and has a boyish smile. The two just finished having sex. She drops and lays next to him smiling and rubbing his bare chest.

TOMMY
(smiling)
Now that’s what I’m talking about!

WOMAN
Oh my God. That was amazing.

TOMMY
(proudly)
No doubt.

WOMAN
I just want to let you know I never do stuff like this.

TOMMY
You could’ve fooled me babe.

WOMAN
Not the sex silly. I mean meeting a guy in a bar and going home with him. I never do that.

TOMMY
Me neither.

WOMAN
Yeah right.

TOMMY
Seriously. I never go home with guys I meet in bars.

The woman laughs. She reaches over for her cell phone and checks the time.

WOMAN
Shit! I’m going to be late for work!

TOMMY
It’s all good honey! It’s only 10:00!

She hops out of bed and rushes around trying to get dressed as Tommy smiles with his arms behind his head.

WOMAN
Some of us actually have to work real nine to five jobs!

TOMMY
Well one day maybe you too can be in charge.

WOMAN
I thought you were only like a VP of publishing or something!

TOMMY
Only? Honey, if the President dies, that means I’m in charge of everything!

WOMAN
I don’t think it works like that. If your company is anything like mine, there’s probably like thirteen other VPs and at least five presidents.

TOMMY
What’s your point?

WOMAN
I don’t even have time to go home and change! People are going to know I hooked up.

TOMMY
Dude the walk of shame sucks.

She runs over to Tommy and gives him a kiss.

WOMAN
Well it was worth it.

TOMMY
It was spectacular! I was spectacular!

WOMAN
(laughing)
Yes you were! Gotta go! Dinner this weekend?

TOMMY
(beat)
Yeah sure.

WOMAN
Call me!

TOMMY
You betcha!

She leaves the apartment.

Tommy looks up from bed smiling ear to ear.

TOMMY (CONT’D)
T, you are the man.

Tommy jumps out of bed.

His place is a bachelor pad. The apartment is full of expensive electronics and furniture.

He turns on his iPod dock and plays Jay-Z.

TOMMY (CONT’D)
(singing)
Big pimpin’ spendin’ cheese!

Tommy showers and then goes through his assortment of suits in his closet.

He lays down different combinations of expensive suits, ties and shirts.

TOMMY (CONT’D)
What’s the point? I look good in them all!

Tommy is suited up. He drinks a protein shake and then grabs his bag and leaves.

INT. OFFICE. DAY
BILLY, 23, is sitting in his cubicle on the phone. Billy is a young looking, wide eyed man-child.

BILLY
I know I went out last night but it’s Friday! Guys night out honey!
(beat)
Last night was Thirsty Thursday and T nailed a big account! We talked about this already. Stop yelling.
(beat)
I KNOW HOW HE IS!
(beat)
I’m not raising my voice. Sorry. I don’t know if he hooked up or not.
(beat)
You’re right. He IS such a man whore! I don’t know why I hang out with him either.
(beat)
Okay! I said okay!

Tommy walks in.

TOMMY
Bill Eazay what up kid?!

They high five.

BILLY
(on the phone)
Gotta go! I’ll call you later!

He SLAMS the phone down.

BILLY (CONT’D)
Big T! 11:30 and just rolling into work. I love it!

TOMMY
Was that the wifey?

BILLY
She was giving me crap about going out with you last night.

TOMMY
Still?

BILLY
She’s always giving me crap now. Since the wedding. Seven weeks ago.

TOMMY
I keep telling you to tell her that you’re not out with me anymore. You’re always going to be guilty by association man.

BILLY
I know.

TOMMY
And didn’t you go home at like 7:00?

BILLY
Yes. Everything changed since we got married. Just seven weeks ago!

TOMMY
I know man. I was there.

BILLY
She’s like a different woman.

TOMMY
You were warned. A lot.

Billy starts to smile.

TOMMY (CONT’D)
What?

BILLY
So how did it go with Sharon?

TOMMY
Who’s Sharon?

BILLY
The chick from the bar last night!

TOMMY
Was that her name?

BILLY
Oh man! You hooked up?! Again!

Tommy laughs.

BILLY (CONT’D)
Man I saw that coming! I miss everything now! Tell me how it went down.

Billy’s phone RINGS. He leans over to look at it.

BILLY (CONT’D)
Dammit! Why is she calling me now!?

Tommy starts to walk away laughing.

BILLY (CONT’D)
Wait don’t go! I want details man!  Details! I need them!

TOMMY
I’ll tell you at lunch. Come grab me in twenty minutes.

BILLY
Lunch? You just got in.

TOMMY
What’s your point?

Billy’s cell phone starts RINGING.

BILLY
Now she’s calling me on both phones.

TOMMY
(laughing)
You better answer that.

BILLY
Keep laughing. This might be you some day!

TOMMY
No way dude! I love my life!

BILLY
I love my WIFE!

The phones keeping RINGING. Tommy walks away.

TOMMY
Keep telling yourself that!

BILLY
See you in twenty bro!

Billy answers his cell phone.

BILLY (CONT’D)
WHAT?!
(beat)
I’m sorry for raising my voice honey.

INT. TOMMY’S OFFICE. LATER
Tommy is leaning back in his chair with his feet on his desk. He’s on the phone.

TOMMY
Jon, I’m telling you this girl wasn’t a Boston ten. She was an LA ten.
(beat)
I’m serious man!
(beat)
Hey you got out the game.  I remember when we raised your jersey and retired your number at your bachelor party two years ago.

Tommy laughs.

TOMMY (CONT’D)
Your wife’s still a ten man. And she’ll still be one after my god-daughter is born.

Billy RUNS into Tommy’s office.

BILLY
Walk out here with me now!

TOMMY
What?

BILLY
WALK OUT HERE WITH ME NOW!

TOMMY
Jon, I’ll see you tonight. Everybody’s in. Later.

Tommy hangs up the phone.

TOMMY (CONT’D)
Don’t be storming all up in here and yelling at me like that. I’m a VP bitch!

BILLY
You have to see the new chick.

Tommy jumps out of his chair.

TOMMY
She hot?

BILLY
What do you think?

TOMMY
I don’t know with you. You have no scale. I’ve met your wife.

BILLY
My wife is hot bro.

Tommy puts his suit jacket on and fixes his tie.

TOMMY
I’m messing with you. Let’s go.

They walk out of Tommy’s office quickly.

SUSAN, 24, is a sexy, provocatively dressed woman. She is walking around the office with ALLISON, 25, introducing her to the employees. Allison is the beautiful girl next door. Her big eyes are amazing. A natural beauty without trying.

TOMMY (CONT’D)
Whoa.

BILLY
What did I tell you? My scale is the bomb. She’s a ten. An LA ten!

TOMMY
Slow your roll. She could be good from far, far from good. Plus she’s with Susan. The biggest crotch blocker around.

BILLY
That’s cause she still wants you.

TOMMY
Of course she does.

The two women start to walk over to them.

TOMMY (CONT’D)
Quick act busy.

The girls see them pick up random papers from the desk they are standing near.

TOMMY (CONT’D)
(loudly)
So, what we need to do here is compile all of our resources and-

BILLY
Right, right.

TOMMY
And then we will be able to utilize the pythagorean theorem here-

The girls get closer.

BILLY
Absolutely. Absolutely Mr. Vice President.

SUSAN
Stop acting like you two are working.

TOMMY
And then the result will allow us to make millions. Possibly billions!

Allison smiles.

BILLY
Maybe even trillions!

TOMMY
(slowly)
May be.

BILLY
You are such a genius.

TOMMY
I know. Oh hey Susan. Didn’t see you there. And who is this?

SUSAN
Whatever. Tommy, Billy this is Allison. She’s the new senior graphic designer in marketing.

ALLISON
Hi, nice to meet you.

Tommy is smitten.

BILLY
Hi.

Tommy reaches his hand out.

TOMMY
So nice to meet you Allison.

SUSAN
Try staying away from this one Tommy. I know it will be hard for you.

TOMMY
What are you talking about?

SUSAN
Tommy is an asshole. And Billy is a border line retard.

Allison laughs.

BILLY
You’re in HR! You have to stop describing us like that to new employees Susan!

ALLISON
Got it. Mentally challenged. And A-hole.

TOMMY
(smiling)
Not only am I an A-hole, but I’m also the VP of publishing. I’m important. Please remember that.

ALLISON
(smiling)
Okay, I’ll be sure to remember that.

TOMMY
That’s all I ask.

The girls walk away. Allison, still smiling, glances back at Tommy.

So there it is. I shared the 1st ten pages of my bromance comedy. Can you tell where the inspiration came from? Does Tommy sound familiar? I bet he does! This script was actually t-blawg before t-blawg existed. The story gets better.

Would you read more??? Let me know on here, Facebook or Twitter!

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

Filed Under: Awesomeness, Blog, Boston, Bro Code, Comedy, Crazy, Dating, Different, Edgy, Entertainment, Exciting, Facebook, Funny, Humor, Interesting, Movies, Screenwriting, Sex, Social Media, t-blawg, TV, Twitter, Uncategorized, Wing Man, Women, Writing Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
post

My “T Defines Pink Hatter” Post

July 18, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Not just for shallow women either

For as long as t-blawg has existed you have heard about my disdain for Pink Hatters. But what the hell is a Pink Hatter exactly? I’ll tell you. During our “Decade of Dominance” of 2001-2011, a lot of fake ass and wannabe Bostonians jumped on our sports teams’ bandwagons because we went from total suckiness to total awesomeness. It started with the Pats. Then the Sox. Then the Celtics. And now with the Bruins with their epic Stanley Cup victory. Our arenas and stadiums have become full of fake fan women wearing pink Pats hats. Pink Sox hats. Pink Cs hats. Pink Bruins hats. They are women who don’t know shit about the team. About the players. About the history. About loyalty. They just wanted to be seen at these games and/or finally cheer them on because our teams had become cool in their eyes. They thought they looked cute. Then the term Pink Hatter also started to be thrown around at guys who were also jumping on the bandwagon. Even though they didn’t actually wear the pink hats, they still became pink fucking hatters in the eyes of real fans due to their lack of loyalty and total embracement of fakeness and douchiness. They are Pink Hatters. How can you spot a Pink Hatter? Do you think you may know a Pink Hatter? Are you a Pink Hatter yourself? Well here’s how you know! I’m defining the Pink Hatter right here, right now. T style of course.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you never cheered for a Boston sports team before 2001.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you’ve never been to an actual game but claim to be a “real fan.”

You are a Pink Hatter if….you had the balls to cheer “We want the Cup!” recently but didn’t start cheering it until like game 6 or 7 of the Stanley Cup finals.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you just want to get out of work early as the reason why you go to our Duck Boat victory parades.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you can’t name a single player when they are not wearing their uniform.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you are more concerned about Tom Brady’s hair than his stats.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you didn’t cry when Cam Neely tried to come back.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you didn’t enjoy Pedro tossing Don Zimmer by his old ass head.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you didn’t know Drew Bledsoe, Scott Zolak or Steve Grogan existed before Tom Brady.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t remember “Squish the Fish” or “Bury the Bears”.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you didn’t believe in “The Curse of the Great Bambino”.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t know who Mookie Wilson, Bucky Dent or Aaron Boone are.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you wear heels and a dress to a Cs game like you’re at the club.

You are a Pink Hatter if….any of your sports gear has “bling”.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you need a drinking glove to tailgate at The Razor in January.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t always order 2 beers/2 dogs every time you get up to piss at Fenway.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you need to ask at Fenway “What is the name of that yellow pole again?”

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t remember that one time Jose Canseco pitched for the Sox.

You are a Pink Hatter if….the names Troy Brown, Adam Oates, Mike Greenwell and Xavier McDaniel don’t sound familiar.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t get emotional when talking about Len Bias or Reggie Lewis.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t know the original Big 3.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you never said the words “wait ‘til next year”.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you only watch during the playoffs.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you claim to be a diehard yet tweet about how you’re out to dinner during a playoff game; regular season Yankees games; Lakers games; Habs games or Colts games!

You are a Pink Hatter if….you just want to get on the jumbotron.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you never sat near the dancing old guy with the hat and mustache, the dancing little kid, Santa Claus or Tupac Shakur at the Garden during a Cs game.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you didn’t have a crush on the hotness that was Kelly the Ball Girl.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you’re a dopey college kid who got killed by a bean bag bullet to the head because you only took to the streets of Boston after one of our teams won a championship to act like an idiot by climbing a tree, a traffic light, a light pole or jumped on the hood of a car without even watching the game we just won.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you only banged the players without even knowing why you banged them just because you heard they’re on the team. Groupie ho.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you didn’t know Andy Moog or Reggie Lemelin before Tim Thomas.

You are a Pink Hatter if….your stomach doesn’t turn when you still watch old tapes of when Bird’s back started to go.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t remember when there weren’t any seats on the Monster.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you never went to a game in the old Garden.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t remember where and when Paul Pierce got stabbed at that club that one time.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t remember where you were when Bledsoe got taken out and that backup QB came in.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t hear yourself saying out loud to anyone in ear shot at any family wedding, funeral or other important event “Why isn’t the game on?”, “Where the fuck is the TV in this place? The game is starting.” or “Does anyone know the score of the game?”

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t respect the bloody sock.

You are a Pink Hatter if….the name Grady Little doesn’t piss you the fuck off.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t giggle like a little girl when Don & Remy giggle like little girls.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t know why the year 1986 is etched in real Bostonians memories.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you think Tommy is biased when it comes to the Celtics. No way! He calls it down the line bro! Tommy Point!!!

You are a Pink Hatter if….you have to ask why they’re booing Kevin Youkilis.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you never appreciated Hazel Mae’s epic boobs or Tina Cervasio’s epic mouth or Heidi Watney’s epic everything.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you think it’s Black & Yellow instead of Black & Gold around here.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you didn’t believe “The Tuna” was going to get us a Super Bowl victory.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t bow down to the Gods that are Bobby Orr, Ted Williams or Larry Bird every time their names are mentioned.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t know why Doug Flutie was, is and will always be popular around Boston.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t know damn well that Larry Bird ain’t walking through that door!

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t do the double fist pump with Rene every time.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t get out of your seat and do the “For another Patriots’ first down!” first down gesture at Gillette.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t sing “Sweet Caroline” for at least another 30 seconds after the music stops at Fenway.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t know when it’s time to do the Ric Flair “Woooooo!” at a Bs game.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t know when it’s “Peanut Butter Jelly Time!”

And finally. You are a Pink Hatter if….you wear any pink Boston sports gear; need to ask any Boston sports questions about anything before 2001 because you don’t know shit; or don’t have a legit answer to “You missed the game???”

There you have it. T has defined the Pink Hatter. Why I hate Pink Hatters. And how to recognize a no good, dirty Pink Hatter. It is now on all of us to rid our great city of Boston of these Pink Hatters. Let’s do it people!!!

Are you a Pink Hatter? Do you know of any other Pink Hatter symptoms? Let me know! Hit me up here. On Facebook. Or on Twitter. Or even if you ever just want to talk Boston sports!

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

Filed Under: Awesomeness, Blog, Boston, Comedy, Different, Edgy, Entertainment, Exciting, Facebook, Funny, Humor, Interesting, Life, Opinionated, Social Media, Sports, t-blawg, Titletown, Twitter, Uncategorized, Writing Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
post

My “Breaking the Bad Dating Cycle” Post

July 11, 2011 By 6 Comments

If you use this line, you're bad at dating

In all my years of dating I have come to one mind boggling conclusion. You ready? Here it is. 99% of people dating go for two types. The ones that treat you bad and the ones you can treat bad. This is fact! And this is sad. Now congrats to you 1%ers out there who have managed to meet somebody who you treat well and treats you as equally well. As Christian Bale once said on the set of the Terminator “Ooohhhh good for yooouuuu!” The rest of us are still in the trenches still battling and trying to figure this shit out. Well I think I have. And I’m going to share it right now. You want to break that bad dating cycle you are in? You want to start to actually enjoy dating? Well old T got you covered. Here’s how you break that bad cycle. Let’s all break that bad cycle!

Let’s not be nice at first.
WHAT?! Don’t be nice? Exactly. Be shallow at first. If you don’t have even the itsy bitsy hint of a physical attraction to the person who just walked up to you at the bar then let it be known. A simple “Thank you. I’m flattered. But I’m not interested.” Done! If you don’t have interest don’t give your number! If you don’t have interest, don’t drink the damn free drink! If you’re not excited about the date, then don’t go on the date! Now we can all focus on the people who actually have a genuine interest from the start.

Your friends aren’t always right!
Your friends love you, of course. They have your back, yes. But sometimes we listen to them and they’re…wrong. Maybe they are jealous. Maybe they are bitter. Maybe they are just stupid. You know who really knows what and who you like? YOU. Make the call yourself. Get to know the person you are dating regardless of what your friends may or may not know about the person. You know best. Find out and decide for yourself. Do not date on assumptions from those outside of the things the two of you are sharing alone together.

Go Against Type
Date somebody who is the complete opposite of the type of person you usually date. Go in open minded. Try it. See what happens. You have nothing to lose and maybe a whole new world to gain. If it sucks, then go back to the type who has made your life miserable for so many years.

Nobody Meets Somebody by Staying In or Going Home Early
Don’t stay in your house 7 nights a week! Don’t be that person who goes home early when all of your friends are still out having a great time! Yes we all have to be up early for work. Yes we all have AM meetings. Yes we all have to make it to the gym. But you never know what you missed. And I’m not talking about the stupid shit your drunk friend usually does every time. I’m talking about the perfect someone who walked in the second after you left and you never even met. Think about that shit.

Don’t Start It With Sex
Do not hookup one drunk night and think you can now date. Do not go on the first date, hookup and think you can now date. You are out of your fucking mind if you think it will work out. Eventually, shit will end. It will end badly. It will end awkwardly. All because you couldn’t hold out a couple of dates to get to know each other before you boned. Trust me on this. I speak from experience. I do not repeat this mistake.

Don’t End It With Sex
If you think you can have one last banging session before you break up with somebody and then start dating somebody else fresh and new without having any lingering effects from that last banging, you are bat shit crazy! You are breaking up for a reason. If you still want to have sex, then you still want to be with that person. It’s not fair to the new person you are dating and most importantly, it’s not fair to yourself. Smarten the fuck up.

Mixed signals are pointless
If you like the person you just met or are dating, tell them. No having to think about it. No wondering if you should or shouldn’t. If you have any hesitation, tell them and then don’t date them. Move on to the next one. No leading on. That is just straight douchebaggery.

The Games Stop in Your early 20s People
I played games. You’ve played games. Did it. Learned from it. No longer doing it. If you are 25+ and still playing those “playa/playette” games, you are a piece of shit and deserve to be alone forever. Karma will bite you in your ass. Don’t play games with those who don’t deserve it when you are an adult just because you can. Because if you are still doing this, then you aren’t an adult. Dating isn’t a fucking power game. Learn this.

Once You Let Somebody Know You Like Them and They Don’t Feel The Same? Walk Away. You’ll Never Be Friends.
This is so obvious yet some of us still want to be friends. Why? We all already have plenty of friends. You’ll never be real friends with this person. Ever. Regardless of how nice they are, cut them off. You have to.

It’s Not Just About You
Dating is a compromise. Put them first. They put you first. You give then take. They give then take. That’s it. If you have constantly been putting yourself first in every one of your dating situations, now you know why none of them ever work out.

Jealousy Is Never a Good Look
The #1 dating killer! Why be jealous? If they don’t want to be with you, then let them go. Otherwise, just be secure in yourself and know how much of a great catch you are and they will know the same. Don’t be jealous. Be confident in your shit. Own your shit.

Check Your Baggage At Your Door
The key is “YOUR” door. Check it before you leave your place. Don’t bring it to theirs. The past is the past. Let it stay there. Only worry about what you have now and want for the future. That’s it. Start fresh and just enjoy each other!

So there you have it! This information is a surefire way to break the bad dating cycle. Print this out. Put it in your wallet, purse, fanny pack, back pocket, whatever. Bring it on your first few dates and then thank me later. Now go out and have some good fucking dates people!!!

What do you think of my advice? My dating posts are usually pretty popular. Have anything to add to help break the bad dating cycle? Comment here, tweet or facebook me!

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

Filed Under: Awesomeness, Blog, Comedy, Crazy, Dating, Different, Edgy, Entertainment, Exciting, Facebook, Funny, Humor, Interesting, Life, Opinionated, Sex, Social Media, t-blawg, Twitter, Uncategorized, Women, Writing Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
post

My “meTaphor-Carnival Poster” Post

July 4, 2011 By 2 Comments

From the ages of 12-18 I had a Pamela Anderson poster collage on my wall. t-fact

*Metaphor is the concept of understanding one thing in terms of another. A metaphor is a figure of speech that constructs an analogy between two things or ideas; the analogy is conveyed by the use of a metaphorical word in place of some other word.

This is how T does metaphors. Read between the lines. Welcome to meTaphor.

Carnival Poster-A meTaphor

Growing up in the 80s & 90s carnivals were pretty popular. And they had some fun games to play. They had games like Water Gun Clown Balloon. Shoot The Star Out. Dart Balloon Pop. Why did I play these pointless games? I liked to play because I was there, I was bored, it was fun and I had some cash to waste. Sound familiar? The prize I always liked to play for was a carnival poster. When I won, I usually picked the hot chick poster. Sometimes a famous chick would have a poster out. Sometimes it was one the caliber of Pamela Anderson. Sometimes it was a not so famous chick. But still hot nonetheless. It was great to look at. I would carry it around the carnival. Take it on rides. Like the Gravitron. A ride that just spins round and round. And The Pirate Boat. A rocky ride that would get you sick. And of course, The Head Over Heel Flipping Cart Ferris Wheel that you had no control over whatsoever. But I held onto that damn poster. I took care of it. Because I liked it. I earned it. I spent money on it. Then after I left the carnival, I would take the poster home. Gently unroll it. Find a nice place for it on the wall in my room. Put it up on the wall. It was a thing of beauty. It was my prize. I kept it around for a while too. Sometimes a whole year until another carnival came into town and I wanted a new one. I would play more games. Spend more money. And then finally win a new one. Take it on rides. Safely and gently carry it around. Then I would take it home. Tear down the old poster. Toss it in the trash. And gently put up the new one in it’s place. This cycle would go on and on. You work for it. You take care of it. You appreciate it. Then you tear it down and throw it away. And replace it. Stop. Start. And repeat. The carnival poster.

A meTaphor.

What did you think of this meTaphor? Better than the cereal meTaphor? Is it too much? Over the head? Do you know what I’m talking about??? Let me know. Reply here, on the Facebook wall or Tweet a dude.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

Filed Under: Alcohol, Awesomeness, Blog, Boston, Comedy, Crazy, Dating, Different, Edgy, Entertainment, Exciting, Facebook, Funny, Holiday, Humor, Interesting, July 4th, Life, metaphor, Opinionated, Sex, Social Media, t-blawg, Twitter, Uncategorized, Women, Writing Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
post

My “The T Substantial Dating Demographic” Post

June 27, 2011 By 6 Comments

A pie chart can explain anything. Anything!

I’m not saying this happens to everybody but I’ve come to a point in my life where I have decided to close the gap on the women who I get involved with. Now, the only reason I’m doing this is because I’ve had my fair share of women of different ages/types ranging from the youngest: a 19 year-old model who was 12 years younger than me to the oldest: a 44 year-old cougar who was 17 years older than me and everything in between. I’ve run my age dating gamut. Everywhere from crazy young hot sex with drama and sleepless party nights to older women who already have been married with children and just want sex with a younger guy. What have I had in between? A bunch of bullshit really. The bullshit stands out the most. Very few shining moments. Too few good women. Too few healthy, “normal for T anyways” women to date. Too much of being a side dick for some mental chick. Or being the undercover lover for some chick in a relationship. And even sometimes I have been an emotional friend that provided the occasional cuddle. Countless times of drunk texting and pulling rabbits out of hats when magic hour was underway at the bar or club. Enough of that shit I say.

The end result of my peak years of partying, dating, booty calling, side banging has left me with….nothing. Seriously. Oh sure these stories make for some great blog posts and elevated this blog. Some great shit talking with my boys for sure. Hell, even some great material I put into my scripts. But for me, personally? Nothing substantial. Nothing with substance. Nothing that I can say to myself “Hey T. This girl is awesome. She gets you. Lets you be you. You say and do things to her you never did to any other woman. Shit, there’s feelings involved! You’re not a machine after all. Good job.” And I’ll take half the blame on this. The other half goes on the chicks not in what I now call “The T Substantial Dating Demographic”. This demographic is the target female type and age range I will now focus all my powers on. And believe me, I have some powers. Just ask all my female t-blawg groupies. Heeeyyyyy. Wait. Stop distracting me dammit!

The T Substantial Dating Demographic: (If you don’t fall into this demographic I will not get involved with you in any romantic or sexual way whatsoever! Not anymore. *Present women I met before this post are excluded. Well some of you are.)

Age: 25-35 (I can’t deal with the young insecure drama anymore. Even for just banging. Sorry. Or the older, scorned “My life and men suck so I’m bitter and will take it out on all men” type.)

Education: College Graduate + (This means you’re not stupid. I hate stupid.)

Income: $60-$100K (I have no problem taking care of a woman if she wants me to. But I need to know she can take care of herself first.)

Occupation: Sky’s the damn limit! (Anything but full-time student, model, actress, unemployed, bartender (part time is ok), waitress, stripper, socialite (what the fuck is that anyways?!))

Living Situation: Just You (You can rent or own. I don’t care. But you better live alone. Fuck your intruding parents. Fuck your never minding their own business roommates. Fuck your children supplement cats. One dog is cool. As long as it doesn’t fit in a purse or wear clothes. Or try to rape my leg or ass.)

Status: Completely Single! (That means…never been married. Too much baggage. Can’t have kids. I love kids. And I’m a great uncle. But if I ever have kids, they have to be my kids. And my kids will be hell spawn. Just so you know. But I’ll still love the little fuckers.)

Physical Appearance: Surprise Me (I am no longer going for the dark haired, pretty eye shit! Fuck that. You can look however you look. Within the 5 foot to 5 foot 9 range. 90-130lbs. Average/Athletic/Curvy build. Any ethnicity. Any hair color. Can be a 6 on a 1-10 scale. Preferably a 7-8. 9s and 10s have egos bigger than me. All set.)

Musts: Besides the above mentioned? Have a sense of humor and something to say. Honestly? These two things would probably bump out any of the above shit I mentioned. For reals. I make you laugh, then I’m happy from you laughing. Done!

Must nots: Smokes, sausage hands, greasy curly hair, assface chins, drug dependencies (street or prescription), muffin tops, doesn’t live in reality, delusional, loves drama, insecurity, doesn’t like movies, smells funny.

Our History: You don’t know me. Not from my past. Not from this blog. We’ve never worked together. We’ve never been friends. We didn’t go to school together. We don’t just facebook through t-blawg. We don’t just tweet through @tblawg. We didn’t meet once at a mutual friend’s party. You’re not in my pipeline. I’m not in yours. Nothing. It has to be fresh. It has to be new.

That’s “The T Substantial Dating Demographic”! As of this blog posting this is what I’ll be focusing on. Impossible? I don’t know. Maybe. Shouldn’t be. Doesn’t seem that hard on paper. And for all you people reading this and I’m sure will either comment, text, call, facebook, tweet or even carrier pigeon me “Well what do you have to offer the women in ‘The T Substantial Dating Demographic ‘ Mr. Perfect???” A lot actually. But I know I’m not perfect. Because I’m honest. And I’m funny. And ambitious. What else? Oh. I make a good living. Also very loyal. And….let’s just say the rest I have to offer is a whole lot of substance. Substantial substance.
What do you think? Am I nuts??? Am I asking for too much? Would love to hear some female feedback on this one. Easy on the hate mail please. Haha.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

Filed Under: Awesomeness, Blog, Boston, Bro Code, Comedy, Crazy, Dating, Different, Edgy, Entertainment, Exciting, Facebook, Funny, Humor, Interesting, Life, Opinionated, Sex, t-blawg, Twitter, Uncategorized, Women, Writing Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
« Older Posts