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My “Bro Strip Club Code” Post

May 2, 2011 By 4 Comments

Jessie Spano's speed addiction was supported by her stripping

First I gave you the rules of “The Bro Code”. Then I gave the world “The Bro Dress Code”. Now it’s time for the “Bro Strip Club Code”. The series continues!!! I don’t go to the strip club often. Usually only on a casino run, a bachelor party tear, a sports weekend getaway and of course Vegas. But last Winter I went on a tear with an old buddy. He was banging half the girls at a local strip club. He knew everybody there. We got comped. We got drunk. We had fun. We went way too damn much! And from this I noticed what really went down in a strip club for the first time ever. The ways of the strip club. The stereotypes. The types of strippers, workers and dudes that come in. That gave me some great insight. Through all that I created the “Bro Strip Club Code”!!! Here it is! Drum roll please…..

Strippers don’t get drunk so save your money man
Don’t buy them drinks! When she’s working you and you offer to get her a drink, the waitress brings her a “rum & coke” minus the rum. Really. Save your money for the lap dance.

Some strippers will bang for money so pay a lot and use a rubber dude
It depends on 3 things. The strip club, the stripper and how much you’re willing to pay. I have buddies who have done it. I don’t pay for sex so I can’t speak from experience. But it can be done. Just feel it out bro. And good luck with that STD. Because if she did it for you, you’re an idiot if you think she hasn’t done it before.

Strippers will break the rules for money depending on the strip club
In Boston we have a “no contact” lap dance rule. It sucks. But if you’re willing to pay and get out of sight, shit can happen. Again, bust out the chedda.

Strippers rather dance for good-looking dudes even though ugly dudes are willing to pay more
This is a fact. Go into a strip club with your ugly buddy, your fat buddy and your weird buddy. Just make sure you’re the good-looking one for fuck’s sake. Get a table. Watch who the strippers come to most. You’ll have your pick dude!

It’s creepy but you feel more with sweatpants if you have the balls to wear them
My buddy taught me this. I listened once and put on sweatpants at a strip club in Canada. After years of getting lap dances wearing jeans or suit pants, this was an experience. Try it at least once. Just be ready to be the creepy strip club dude that night. Really.

Only suckers sit at the pit
Don’t waste your time or singles. Let the drunk married businessmen, the foreigners visiting and the broke ass dudes drop money at the pit. You can get her once she’s done with her main stage dance and starts to work the floor. Be smart.

Don’t hit on the strippers, they’re working idiot
Seriously?! Are you still hitting on strippers?! Remember why you are there! She’s not some chick at a bar looking to meet a guy. She’s a chick trying to take all your money. Smarten up bro.

No she really isn’t digging you guy
It’s an act. She’s doing her job. DO NOT fall in love with the strippers. I don’t care how good-looking you are. How rich you are. And what she said to you. She ain’t digging you! Time to go.

The young ones are your best bets at some good action
They really are. They’re new. They don’t know the rules yet. They’re inexperienced at dealing with customers. Find a young one that almost fell like 5 times off the pole. Talk money with her. Go have fun.

No she isn’t really doing this to get through college; put her kid through school; or while working on getting her real estate license you dope
Fuck everything she said to you. Actually, try not talking during the lap dance. She knows why you’re there. Just get your jollies off. Don’t ask questions. Don’t tell her about yourself. Have fun. That’s it!

Honey isn’t her real name. Neither is Mary once she tells you it is
Don’t ask her what her real name is. She’ll never tell you. And honestly, why do you give a fuck?

Yes she will do more if you bring a chick in with you. A hot chick. And to her. Not you
I’ve done this. I’ve seen it. A bunch of times. Strippers are usually bi-sexual or completely lesbian. They love other hot chicks. Bring a hot chick with you and pay. Watch what happens. Thank me later.

The waitresses and massage girls are always hotter than the actual strippers
This is a damn bro fact! Every single time. Let them get you worked up and try to find a stripper that looks like one of them. Enjoy!!!

You are a douche when you ball up bills and throw them at the talent
They’re strippers yes. But they’re still women. And who the fuck are you to judge them and treat them like shit?! So don’t throw money at them like you’re pitching in the World Series. You’re a clown and deserve to get punched in your neck if you do this.

Nobody likes the stripper hog gang
The guy or group of guys who hog all the strippers are assholes. Hey assholes. Stop talking. Stop buying them drinks. Stop hitting on them. Because this is the #1 cause of brawls in the strip club. It pisses dudes off. We’re all there for the same reason. To have fun. So keep things moving. Don’t hog the fucking strippers!

What if a chick you know outside the strip club turns out to be a stripper?
This has happened to me before. More than once. And recently too. It’s awkward as hell! Just play it off like it ain’t no thang. If you’ve already seen her naked? Cool. Nothing new. If you haven’t? Well. Now’s your chance bro.

So there you have it. The “Bro Strip Club Code”. Now you know how to act and know what to do the next time you hit up the strip club. Respect the Bro Code. Respect the stripper. And respect your penis. Now go have some fun!

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

Filed Under: Alcohol, Awesomeness, Blog, Boston, Bro Code, Business, Canada, Celebrity, Comedy, Crazy, Dating, Different, Edgy, Entertainment, Exciting, Funny, Health, Humor, Interesting, Las Vegas, Life, Money, Movies, Music, Niagara Falls, Opinionated, Party, Sex, Social Media, Sports, t-blawg, travel, TV, Uncategorized, Women, Work, Writing Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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My “Finally! T Returns to Social Media!!!” Post

April 25, 2011 By 10 Comments

Needed a T sabbatical

My social media Lent sabbatical was March 9-April 24 2011. I was sick of Facebook and Twitter. People were annoying me. So I took a break. For 46 days! I’m a man of my word. And I don’t lie. For 46 days I stayed off the Big 2! But a lot has happened in the world in those 46 days. Important things. Big things. Stupid things. Regardless, all things that T would usually have a Facebook update and/or tweet ready to go to entertain the world like only T can! Here’s what went on and what I would’ve said on Facebook or Twitter at the time. In chronological order.

Tom Brady Dancing at Carnival Awkwardly in a Ponytail-”You’re killing me Smalls!”

Pope John Paul Got a Facebook Page-”I’m not liking this page until he puts up pics of a pimped out Pope Mobile. Put some Ds on that bitch!”

Charlie Sheen Announced His Tour-”If I buy tickets and he’s dead come show time I better get a damn refund. And you know this is going to suck right? RIGHT?! #justsaying”

People Playing Out Charlie Sheen-“All you assholes who are over using winning and tiger blood really fucked up a funny thing. Good job you unfunny, unoriginal dopes.”

The Earthquake and Tsunami-”This is insane. It’s getting tougher and tougher to debunk all those end of the world predictions made years ago by idiots. Scary.”

Gilbert Gottfried Fired By Aflac for His Tasteless Earthquake and Tsunami Comments-”Tasteless? Yes. But should he have been fired? No way. He’s a raunchy comedian. They knew that before they hired him. It’s not like it was Obama doing the duck voice and then tweeted those jokes. They knew what they were in bed with. Now there’s hope Ben Affleck can finally do the duck voice.”

14th Anniversary of the Death of The Notorious BIG-”Thumping “Ready to Die” and “Life After Death” non-stop! Baby Babaay! #nowplaying”

NFL Lockout-”Sundays suck now without football. Imagine come September through February? This is some bullshit. I blame the Jets. Go #Pats!”

Battle Los Angeles-”A poor man’s Independence Day meets Cloverfield. No story. Every stereotypical military movie character. And you never see a clear shot of the aliens. Stupid. But the shooting was done Saving Private Ryan style. Only highlight.”

The Bachelor Finale-”Ever notice how every women who claims she doesn’t need or want a man is so invested into this show? Hmmm. #denial #stoplying”

Snooki at Wrestlemania-”Is she fighting that dude that punched her off the stool?! If so I’m totally watching wrestling like it was 1988 again! Holla!”

Chicks Who Quote Snooki-“Speaking of Snooki. I don’t care how hot you are. If you’re quoting Snooki on #facebook and/or #twitter, you have nothing to offer the world. Or me. #justsaying”

Nate Dogg Died-”Somebody had to regulate. His name was Jesus. I’ll pour some out for you homie. At least Warren G can now restart the G Funk era.”

American Pie 4-”The entire original cast is returning. That’s crazy! How?! They’ve all become such busy superstars though since the last one! Oh wait.”

Rebecca Black-“I hope she and #JustinBieber get Japanese radiation poisoning. My fucking ears! #notnowplayingever”

St. Paddy’s Day-”Getting shit faced! Partying so hard right now!!! Um no. I’m a grown ass Italian man who’s lived in Boston his entire life. I don’t partake in amateur hour.”

Limitless-“A writer and a cocky asshole? I’m suing somebody. Decent flick though. Except the last 2 minutes. The movie’s screenwriter called the ending in.”

Twitter Turns 5 Years-Old-“5 years of making celebrities think they are more important than they really are while making everybody else dumber 140 characters at a time. #happybday #twitter”

Elizabeth Taylor Died-“I thought she died in 1990 so I didn’t have her in the celebrity death pool. Fucking Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen better pull through ASAP!”

Boondock Saints 2-”Finally watched this sequel. Anybody from Boston who liked this piece of shit has never seen a good movie in their entire life. With the exception of a few exterior shots, this movie was not filmed in Boston just like the first piece of shit. It’s an insult to the accent, the city and it’s people. I might collect some dopes’ Boston cards on this. Disgrace.”

March Madness-“Rather spend my time on women. And making money. And not being a degenerate alcoholic gambler screaming about brackets. But that’s just me though. #marchmadness”

Libya-“Keep up the great work Obama. You’ll get a second term for sure. #sarcasmsomuch”

Lights Out Cancelled-“A boxing show with a shitty cast and a lame storyline gets cancelled?! No way!!!”

LOL and OMG Added to Oxford Dictionary-“I’m a grown ass man. I don’t use this shit. I use ;) . #stupid”

Lindsay Lohan Now Just Lindsay-“Lindsay Lohan wants to be known by one name. Just Lindsay. I’m sure GingerWhore or NonActor are available still Lindsay.”

Sucker Punch-“Little Orphan Annie meets Watchmen=A Big Pile of Shit with Hot Chicks Who Can’t Act. #movies.”

Talking Twin Babies-“Best thing I’ve seen with them http://www.buzzfeed.com/gavon/twin-babies-talk-about-the-bronx-zoo-cobra”

New Wonder Woman-“See Megan Fox? If only you could act. And had normal thumbs. You would’ve been set for life baby. #callme”

Baseball Season!!!-“The #RedSox will win 100 games this season. Mark my words.”

Fuck Baseball Season!!!-“Unmark my words. After watching the first 3 games against the #Rangers, the #RedSox look like a bunch of assholes! New Sox. Same shitty pitching. #WTF”

The Boston Movie Trailer-“Best. Thing. Ever. http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/d41e5814a3/boston-movie-trailer”

Charlie Sheen’s Tour Sucks-“Of course it does. What the fuck did you think you were going to see?!”

Kurt Cobain’s 17th Anniversary-”Was never into grunge really. He was talented. But the man killed himself. I have no love or respect for anybody who commits suicide. He checked out on life because he was a pussy. Pathetic.”

Bill and Ted 3-“Oh for fucks sake Hollywood. Really?! #enough”

Possible Government Shutdown-“Wait. I thought the government shutdown in 2008??? When did they get back to work? Could’ve fooled me.”

The Red Sox Win-“Fucking finally! 156-6 baby!!! Wooooo!!!!”

Your Highness-“Pineapple Express and Lord of the Rings had a retarded baby. Awful. Kenny Powers and Natalie Portman’s sweet little ass couldn’t save this movie. And can somebody please banish James Franco from Hollywood?”

Boston Sports!-“The Sox are getting it together. Bruins playing Montreal in 1st rd playoffs. Celtics playing New York in 1st rd playoffs. It’s a great time to be a Boston sports fan!”

Scream 4-“Kevin Williamson is back at the genre he started and continuing the story. Nothing new but still decent. The best is how he makes fun of the whole reboot/remake/sequel phase Hollywood is in within a movie sequel making fun of a movie within a movie. Smart. And nicely done. Not sure how good the next 2 Screams will be though.”

4/20-“Anybody over the age of 22 celebrating this day and bragging about smoking weed is a complete fucking tool.” #fuck420

Easter-“The Easter Bunny didn’t bring you a stupid basket. He brought you the return of T. The gift that keeps on giving!” #finallyThasreturned

If you’re not a fan of the t-blawg Facebook page and you’re not following me on Twitter. You’re missing out! Because nobody does social media like T. Nobody!!!

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

Filed Under: Alcohol, Awesomeness, Blog, Boston, Bro Code, Business, Celebrity, Children, Comedy, Crazy, Dating, Different, Easter, Edgy, Entertainment, Exciting, Facebook, Family, Funny, Health, Holiday, Humor, Interesting, Lent, Life, Money, Movies, Music, Opinionated, Party, Photos, Sex, Social Media, Sports, t-blawg, TV, Twitter, Uncategorized, Women, Work, Writing Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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My “T Does New York City in 3 Paragraphs” Post

April 18, 2011 By 2 Comments

Shady street vendors were my favorite

*I’ve decided to do a series of blog posts that capture my travels throughout my life. In 3 paragraphs. I’ll post them every once in a while. Some places I’ve been to a few times, others only once. And some I will probably never go back to because of what went down there.

This is the big one! This Boston guy does New York City. What is my take on NYC? It’s one big contradiction really. From how it started for me to how I feel about the city today and everything in between. I started going down to NYC when I was 16 years old. My cousin and I spent many Summer weekends there getting into shit during our mid to late teen years. Even with the Boston/NY rivalry between the cities’ teams and people, we really enjoyed going to this version of NYC. The New York City I’m talking about was old school, more dirty than it is now, before Giuliani cleaned it up, before Snoop came through and crushed the buildings, before Gotti went in the can, when Pac & Biggie were beefing and you could get anything new and/or bootlegged on any street corner New York City! We went down to NYC for fun, money-making schemes and a shit load of trouble. And by trouble, let’s just say one of those 7 famous incidents where I should’ve died took place in NYC. In the back of a shady restaurant. Over some stupid shit. Fun. But very stupid.

The first time my cousin and I got off the Greyhound bus we immediately went looking for bootleg Rolex watches and bombarded a businessman holding a briefcase standing at the corner. We slapped the briefcase asking “Watchu got in there man?!” He thought we were trying to rob him because he ran. Guess he worked on Wall St. and wasn’t a street vendor. Our bad. I blame movies and rap music for my first impressions of NYC. I used to go down there and treat the city like it was my own personal playground. At that time you could walk into a liquor store and buy 40s and drink them in Times Square out of paper bags at the ages of 14 & 16 while ordering food in a McDonald’s. I know this because that’s what my cousin and I did. Boy did people stare. Another time we also managed to eat and drink for free by putting our tab on some couple’s bill at the All-Star Café. That place was like Planet Hollywood but with athletes. We Beantown hustled that one. Another time we stayed at the Millennium and had “hot” calling card numbers to which we used to call everybody back home in Boston. Our other buddies came down the next day and we robbed the hotel’s liquor cabinets and drank booze and ate fancy cheeses all the way back home on the bus to Boston. I don’t know why honestly.

While there are many more experiences that were also insane during those dirty teenage NYC years, things changed the older I got. Those trips were replaced with business trips and sports trips once I graduated college and entered corporate America. NYC itself changed. In my eyes, it became very corporate, gimmicky and overrated. Boston’s teams and the city of Boston itself came up and the rivalry grew. I hated this “new” New York. That is, up until this past January. I went down to NYC to see a good friend. One of my “Bullpen” girls. She took me around the city to some fun spots. With some of her great friends. During a Jets/Colts playoffs weekend mind you! And you know what? I had a great time. Yep. I did. Not ashamed to admit it. Maybe it was her. Maybe it was the cool people I met. Maybe it was the good food and lots of booze. Maybe it was me getting older and not holding onto grudges. I don’t know. All I do know is, this Boston guy has to admit that he kind of likes New York City. But I love Boston the best.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

Filed Under: Awesomeness, Blog, Boston, Business, Comedy, Crazy, Different, Edgy, Entertainment, Exciting, Family, Funny, Interesting, Life, Money, Movies, Music, New York City, Opinionated, Party, Sex, Social Media, Sports, t-blawg, travel, TV, Uncategorized, Women, Work, Writing Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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My “Wing Man/Woman Limbo” Post

April 4, 2011 By 6 Comments

Wing Limbo in no joke!!!

So I’ve talked about being a wing man before. It’s something we’re all familiar with right? A role played when we’re out with our friends having a good time and looking to meet somebody. Somebody has to take one for the team. Talk up your pal. Be nice to the pals of the person he or she is talking to. Notoriously named after Maverick, Goose and Ice in the movie Top Gun. Seen in bars, clubs and lounges on any given night across the world. It’s known. It’s established. It’s always talked about. But there is something that happens every once in a while that is well, different. What I want to talk about here is “Wing Man/Woman Limbo”. What’s that you say? No it doesn’t involve bending your body under a pole to island music. It’s more like the “Non-Wipe Wipe”. You know. When you wipe with the toilet paper and nothing’s there. It’s like a weird ass miracle! It’s not supposed to happen. Something is supposed to be there! But all you can do is wonder what just happened? It’s never talked about. And it happens once in a blue moon. Just like “Wing Man/Woman Limbo”.

The “Wing Man/Woman Limbo” scenario happens 1 out of 100 times of going out with your friends. Trust me, I’ve done research. This is t-blawg. “Wing Man/Woman Limbo” is weird. It’s different. And it doesn’t make you any less of a wing man/woman. It doesn’t make you any less of a friend. It just sucks when it happens because you can’t figure out why. Here’s what happens. Your friend meets somebody. They have a friend. You’re your friend’s friend. There are 4 of you. Your friend and the person they just met hit it off. Now it’s just you and the hit off person’s friend. Now, as a wing man/woman this is the part where you do what a wing man/woman is supposed to do. If you are both attracted to each other, great. I don’t need to explain what happens. It’s a given that you will probably get some action too. Bonus. And if you think that person is busted, miserable, annoying, stupid, whatever, you just have to entertain them long enough until your friend does his/her thing. That’s their bonus. And you did your job. But what happens when nothing happens at all??? No attraction. No not being attracted. No liking. No hating. No talking. No dancing. No anything. Just awkward silence. This is “Wing Man/Woman Limbo” my friends. And it sucks.

This happened when I was out with a buddy recently. My buddy and some chick hit it off and started to talk. Flirt. Laugh. Touch. Drink. Her friend and I just moved to the side in silence. No introductions. No head nods. No hand shakes. She wasn’t ugly. She wasn’t attractive. She didn’t talk. I didn’t talk. And neither one of us could leave because wing people don’t do that! We were obligated to our friends. We were also obligated to not be rude to each other because we would then have to tell our friends how much his/her friend sucked. We couldn’t go back to our friends who were having fun because then we would be c-blockers. We couldn’t hit on other people. We couldn’t dance. We couldn’t look at our phones. All we could do was look around and wonder why the hell neither of us didn’t wanted to talk to each other!!! All we kept doing was looking around the bar trying to avoid each other’s eye contact. Both silently wondering why we don’t want to talk to each other. What was the reason? I DON’T KNOW!!! Finally our friends came back over. They exchanged numbers. My buddy said “How was the friend? She was cute.” I didn’t have an answer. And I didn’t want to explain my time in “Wing Man/Woman Limbo”. All I could say was “She was ok. Nothing special.” And it was over. I now have 99 more times of going out with my boys before this happens to me again. And just like a prisoner says after getting out of prison “I’m never going back.”

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

Filed Under: Alcohol, Awesomeness, Blog, Boston, Bro Code, Comedy, Crazy, Dating, Different, Edgy, Entertainment, Exciting, Funny, Humor, Interesting, Life, Movies, Opinionated, Party, Sex, Social Media, t-blawg, Uncategorized, Wing Man, Women, Writing Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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My “T Does Niagara Falls in 3 Paragraphs” Post

March 7, 2011 By 2 Comments

Back to you fuckers!!!

*I’ve decided to do a series of blog posts that capture my travels throughout my life. In 3 paragraphs. I’ll post them every once in a while. Some places I’ve been to a few times, others only once. And some I will probably never go back to because of what went down there.

Niagara Falls is what I like to call “Frozen Vegas”. It’s kind of like a backwards, bizarro Vegas with lots of ice and those crazy oddball Canadians with their pretend Monopoly game money. But it has the casinos, the sports, the hotels, the gambling and of course the dirty ass strippers like Vegas. I’ve been to Niagara Falls on the Canadian side a couple of times. My sports buddies and I like to do our almost semi-annual trip to watch the Patriots shit all over the Buffalo Bills. We book the 3 day weekend getaway around the game but the game itself is such a small part. We used to stay in Buffalo itself but then we realized that Buffalo sucked. The team. The people. The city. All suck. There’s nothing there! So one year we decided to stay in Niagara Falls and that changed everything. Because that place is so weird but awesome!

Niagara Falls itself is just a giant stupid hole with water. Seriously. And nobody goes over the damn thing in a barrel! I was pissed when I found that out! Fucking rip off. All you do is go over to the railing and look at the stupid water. That brings me no joy. Where the strippers at yo?! The only thing I liked doing was pulling a Bruce Almighty and saying to every stranger I met at that stupid hole “BACK TO YOU, FUCKERS!!!”. It was hilarious. All 200 million times that me and my buddies said it on the trip. Yeah. We were those annoying, drunken American sports guys. So what. We could kick all of Canada’s asses. But mostly before and after the annual trashing that the Pats give the Bills, we spend most of our time gambling, drinking and at strip clubs.

Vegas may have hotter strippers, but in Canada these crazy Canadian chicks work hard for that Monopoly money. And us drunken Americans for some reason don’t acknowledge pink and teal bills with chickens and riverboats on them as real money. So we just stupidly give that shit away. I won’t get into it here. Again, Bro Code. But these strippers do some awesome acrobatic nasty moves for that money. And that alone is pure entertainment. Factor in the money you just won at the casino and the joy of being in another country where everybody says “Eh” and “Aboot” after watching your team kick some ass, you got yourself one hell of a guys 3 day sports weekend baby! Niagara Falls is an entertaining yet weird place and I enjoy myself every time I go there. Because having fun on a guys trip is what it’s all aboot. But I love Boston the best. Eh.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

Filed Under: Alcohol, Awesomeness, Blog, Boston, Canada, Comedy, Crazy, Different, Edgy, Entertainment, Exciting, Funny, Humor, Interesting, Las Vegas, Life, Money, Movies, Niagara Falls, Opinionated, Party, Social Media, Sports, t-blawg, travel, Uncategorized, Women, Writing Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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My “Marriage Pail List” Post

February 7, 2011 By 9 Comments

You should have a damn Marriage Pail!

So many people jumped on the “Bucket List” bandwagon after that awful movie came out. A bucket list is a list of things you want to do before you die. Before you kick the bucket. Get it? Good. I’m going to live a long ass time. And I’ve accomplished a lot already. But so much left to do. Before I’m married. There are things you can and only should do while you’re single. And in some people’s eyes, marriage equals death anyways. So I came up with my “Marriage Pail List”. The things I want to do before I get married and single T dies. Some seem easily accomplishable. Others seem downright fucking nuts. But that’s how I roll. I present my “Marriage Pail List”. Another original T creation!

Visit the mother country. Italy. And rock it like Russell Crowe did in “A Good Year”. Except with Italians and not with those French people like he did in France.

See at least 3 Wonders of the World. Including Kim Kardashian’s ass and Katy Perry’s boobs.

Learn how to play craps and then win and lose at least $350K.

Learn how to ride a motorcycle and jump some barrels behind a fast food joint ala “Fonzie” style. Heeyyyyyy.

Build something that I will use. Probably a weapon of sorts.

Bang twins. At the same time.

Get into a fight with an 80s WWF wrestler and finish him off with a “Rotunda” elbow.

Fight Jason Giambi. One more time.

Jump out of an airplane “Johnny Utah” style. Vaya con dios brah.

Steal a car one last time. Just because.

Bang the one I never did because I messed up by banging her friend instead.

Go fishing for sharks. Catch one. Then baseball bat its head in once I get it on board the boat.

Get married and then immediately divorce a reigning Playboy Playmate of the Year in Vegas.

Win the Oscar for Best Original Screenplay.

Put Brian Austin Green into an omoplata in front of Megan Fox and make him cry.

Surf at least once. Also like “Johnny Utah”.

Join the mafia.

Have a conversation with Kevin Smith, Howard Stern, Matt Stone & Trey Parker and Quentin Tarantino.

Join the Mile High Club with a former Disney starlet slampig.

Have a dance off with MC Hammer. Dressed as MC Hammer. Fucking awesome.

Make at least $100 million from one of my fantastic, entertaining creations.

Punch Justin Bieber dead in the middle of his fucking face.

Go back in time in a flying Delorean. With Doc.

Find out if they put crack in Nutella. That shit is good!

Learn how to play only Tupac songs on the piano.

Perform Big Pimpin’ with Jay-Z on stage. Then go in the back and bang Beyonce while he’s on stage performing the rest of his songs.

Set all the animals free in a zoo then watch all the videos of them attacking people on YouTube.

Run the bases in Fenway. Backwards.

Send my mother on an all expenses paid trip to Tahiti for as long as she wants.

Get into a life or death situation like Indiana Jones where my “T” hat falls off as I barely roll under a lowering stone wall with enough time to grab my hat before it closes.

Get into an argument and use George Costanza’s “Well the jerk store called and they said they’re running out of you!” insult. Owned!

Convince Eddie Murphy to go back to being funny Eddie Murphy and do a stand up show old school “Raw” style.

Get every asshole mascot banned from professional sports.

Crash on an island with Kate from LOST. Kill Sawyer and Jack right away. I’m not stupid.

Host my own late night talk show.

Put out a celebrity sex tape with Sofia Vergara and tweet about it. Constantly.

Find out why Entourage turned to shit and make somebody pay for it in blood.

Start a channel that only plays tv shows starring Tiffani Amber Thiessen.

Find out how ALF ended. I can’t remember.

Find and enter the world’s biggest UNO tournament and fuck shit up!

Learn how to speak a language fluently that isn’t English, Italian or Bostonian.

Find a crashed spaceship from out of space. Somewhere. Anywhere.

Drive cross-country from Boston to Los Angeles in an old ass convertible and rock each and every fucking town I enter. T style.

That’s my “Marriage Pail List”. If you don’t have one, start one. Now. And if you’re married and living a life of regret, get divorced and start one. You only get one go around in this life. Make it count. T style of course.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

Filed Under: Alcohol, Awesomeness, Blog, Boston, Business, Celebrity, Children, Comedy, Crazy, Dating, Different, Edgy, Entertainment, Exciting, Facebook, Family, Fashion, Funny, Health, Humor, Interesting, Las Vegas, Life, miami, MMA, Money, Movies, Music, Opinionated, Party, Photos, Social Media, Sports, t-blawg, Tattoos, travel, TV, UFC, Uncategorized, Women, Work, Writing Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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My “T Does South Beach in 3 Paragraphs” Post

January 31, 2011 By 8 Comments

T Did South Beach

*I’ve decided to do a series of blog posts that capture my travels throughout my life. In 3 paragraphs. I’ll post them every once in a while. Some places I’ve been to a few times, others only once. And some I will probably never go back to because of what went down there.

I’ve only been to South Beach once in my life. And it was only for a day. I know, I know. It bothers me too. But let me tell you about that one day trip. It was for 27 hours. And every hour was put to use. One of my boys and I booked a trip on a cruise to the Bahamas with some other friends that left Miami on a Friday. So my pal and I decided to leave Boston a day earlier to go to South Beach before we had to get on the cruise and join everybody else. We left Logan that Thursday morning on the first flight out of Boston. We landed and got to our hotel the Old Colony at 8:00AM. At 8:01AM we found out that Happy Hour was every hour! We ordered 2 of the largest Scorpion Bowls known to man. In Boston the bars don’t open until 11AM. To actually drink that early in that weather in that city made us think we were in heaven. And we were. The party started early and never ended.

After a couple of hours of Happy Hour boozing and hurting our necks looking at the quality of women strutting up and down Ocean Drive we went to the liquor store and packed a cooler to hit the beach. Topless beach that is. While South Beach is on par with Vegas and LA for hot chicks, there was the occasional old cougar topless on the beach. But it wasn’t that bad. She was 50 years old, her boobs were young at like 7 years old. This place is like Implant Central! It was awesome. We spent hours drinking, chatting to ladies and tanning on the beach. And I didn’t have any sun block. What a dumb move. This caused some serious dementia later on that night and on the upcoming cruise. I had like 3rd degree burns on my head. Whatever. The booze numbed the pain. We power napped for like 12 minutes back at the hotel and then got ready for more partying. We hit the Clevelander, met some hotties, drank some more, hit up more spots, I flirted with a hot ass Russian KGB spy/restaurant hostess, saw some sick cars, drank some more, then finally slowed down for an awesome meal. South Beach has some great food from what I remember. The sun set and night there is equal as or more awesome than South Beach during the day.

After our meal, we walked up and down the strip just taking in the ambience of this awesome place. I stumbled upon a Cuban Cigar guy. Never one to pass up the opportunity to haggle with a street vendor by showboating my sales skills, I bought a Cuban cigar. My first cigar ever. It was good. I was drunk. I think it was laced with hash. I have no fucking idea. So at this point in the trip I’m on booze, no sleep, a hashish laced cigar, sunstroke and dehydration. So what do we do? We think we’re Crockett & Tubbs and hit up Mansion where they filmed the Miami Vice movie. We Boston talked our way through the line of course. Ballin’!!! Oddly enough we ran into some Boston chicks inside that knew us from back home. Weird. Then blew them off for the chicks we met earlier at the Clevelander. One of the chicks was hot as hell and gave me a shot of Yager. I hate Yager. I did the shot though. You never turn down a hot chick’s shot. Never. Aaaand that was the point where everything went black. I woke up the next morning in her hotel room with my buddy calling my cell asking where I was and that we were going to miss the boat. In the following order I got her number, then I got her name, asked her where I was, then I asked her if she roofied me because that shot of Yager blacked me the fuck out. And I don’t black out. Ever. I ran back to my hotel. And we left to get the boat. There were a lot of things that led to my South Beach blackout. Some good. Some bad. Either way, I need to go back. Maybe more than 27 hours this time. South Beach is a trip. Pun intended. But I love Boston the best.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

Filed Under: Alcohol, Awesomeness, Blog, Boston, Celebrity, Comedy, Crazy, Dating, Different, Edgy, Entertainment, Exciting, Fashion, Funny, Health, Interesting, Life, miami, Money, Movies, Music, Opinionated, Party, Photos, Social Media, south beach, Sports, t-blawg, Tattoos, travel, TV, Uncategorized, Women, Writing Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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My “T Debunks the Female Male Fantasies” Post

January 24, 2011 By 19 Comments

Your list is stupid

So some women in my life recently have inspired me….uh provoked me into writing this. Do what you will with this info. It’s truth. Period.

Let’s get right into it with “The List”. Every single woman on the hunt has one. It’s what you want in a man right? It’s your must haves! It’s also your damn security blanket. It’s your way of getting out of it with a guy by going to the “It’s not me, it’s him” reasoning. “He doesn’t fit the profile.” And I’m here to tell you the list is bullshit and the only person you’re hurting is yourself. Do you honestly think the perfect man for you exists? Do you honestly buy into that “I just want one guy to prove to me that he’s not like all the rest” garbage? You really want the “fairy tale happy ending”? Get off your fucking high horse ok? We’re men. We’re not knights in shining armor. We’re not leading male characters in Julia Roberts and Katherine Heigl movies. We’re not douchebags that play your bad boy with hearts of gold or fixer-upper roles in your mental Sex and the City fantasies. We’re not underage fucking sparkly book or pretty boy True Blood vampires. We’re real life guys. We fart. We pick our noses. We shift our balls when we’re bored in public. We have beer bellies no matter how much we work out. We make mistakes. We’re not a checklist of 25 random things you must have to fall in love with! We’re not all top doctors and lawyers. We all don’t like to cuddle every night of the week. We’re not all commissioned talented painters. We don’t all like to stay in bed rolling around like idiots on top of Sunday newspapers on rainy days. Don’t put that weird shit on us.

Stop putting your lists, fantasies, movie characters, romance novel cover guys and the 9-year-old you pretending to get married in a dress in front of all her dolls and stuffed animals to her made up husband on all of us. Accept that you’re not perfect first. Then realize no guy will ever be perfect. Think outside your box. Pun intended. Then be open to compromise. Then and only then you might be normal enough to find a guy. Because you’re missing out right now. I guarantee it. I don’t want to hear your complaining. Yes we’re all assholes. But if you stop being so high-strung and having such unrealistic perfect guy traits for one fucking minute and open your eyes you will find one of us imperfect normal men who will stop being an asshole to you and you alone. But first you have to throw your list and that dream of meeting atop of the stupid Empire State Building or fucking Eiffel Tower out the damn window. Life isn’t The Notebook ladies. You know that shit was made up right? Life also isn’t some Taylor Swift song lyric that you like to quote on fucking facebook. We all can’t be like your dad either. I guarantee your dad wasn’t even like your dad. Ask your mom. She compromised. She fell for his flaws and insecurities once she dropped her wall and tossed out her damn list and prince rescuing her from her tower prison fantasy.

If he went to any college instead of one of your preferred ivy league schools, give him a chance. If he shaves his head and doesn’t have Brad Pitt hair, give him a chance. If he has a 3 pack instead of Ryan Reynolds abs, give him a chance. If he has a decent job that is enough to pay the bills and spoil you instead of being the CEO of Google, give him a chance. If he ate dinner with the wrong fork instead of your right fork, give him a chance. If he doesn’t know the name of your boss but knows enough to massage your feet after a rough day at work, give him a chance. If you’re confused on whether he wants to be your friend or date you, just ask him, then give him a chance. If his favorite movie isn’t Love Actually but laughs just as much as you do at Wedding Crashers, give him a chance. If he isn’t wearing a light brown sports coat with a canary vest and a thin blue striped white button up but is the only guy trying to fucking talk to you in the bar tonight, give him a chance! I’m not saying to lower your standards, I’m saying lower your wall. I’m not saying to not look for what you want, I’m saying to stop looking for what you don’t want. Toss the list. Smile more. Relax. Talk to the guys who want to talk to you. Then I guarantee you will meet a real life special guy. I promise. Once again, thank me later.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

Filed Under: Awesomeness, Blog, Boston, Comedy, Crazy, Dating, Different, Edgy, Entertainment, Exciting, Facebook, Funny, Health, Humor, Interesting, Life, Movies, Music, Opinionated, Social Media, t-blawg, TV, Uncategorized, Women, Writing Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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My “Top 10 Future Celebrity Ex-Wives” Post

January 17, 2011 By 8 Comments

Arianny Celeste. They don't get any better.

I’m close to the Hollywood dream. It’s true. My writing is so money and I know it. I just have to convince some other people it is and I’ll be living large. And when that happens I plan on settling down with some famous hot ass chick. I’m thinking it’ll take me at least 10 times to get it right. At least. Because I’m a lot to deal with. I’m picky. I’m crazy. And I have ridiculously high almost unattainable standards. So here are my future celebrity ex-wives. Why? Just because. Every dude has a top 10 celebrity chick list. Seriously. It’s Man Law. He’s lying if he says he doesn’t.

10. Sofia Vergara
Wifey Material: Most people are just turning onto her now because of Modern Family. My boys and I used to watch her every Saturday on Telemundo in high school. So we go way back. She can cook, dance and she’s already a MILF. A great first famous wife I say!
Cause of Divorce: Her Colombian accent and my Boston accent will piss us both off due to lack of communication. The cute will become annoying so fast.

9. Adriana Lima
Wifey Material: I love Brazilian model chicks. I dated a Brazilian yoga fanatic once. She got deported. But she wasn’t a rich Victoria’s Secret model like Adrianna.
Cause of Divorce: A younger, hotter, even more Brazilian Victoria’s Secret model most likely.

8. Zuzana The YouTube Workout Girl
Wifey Material: She’s a fitness freak and has one of the tightest bodies on the planet. Maybe in the universe. I’m a gym nut so this would make sense.
Cause of Divorce: I’m also Italian and I like my food so she would probably piss me off once she takes away my pasta, gravy and bread.

7. Ashley Greene
Wifey Material: I refuse to watch Twilight. I was turned onto Ashley thanks to my buddy that runs Egotastic.com. She is young, hot and an actress. I’ll write a movie for her.
Cause of Divorce: She’ll probably be a bigger star than me and that will cause me to bang one of the other Twilight chicks out of spite. Sad but true.

6. Mila Kunis
Wifey Material: She’s the total package. Hot, rich, famous, foreign, brunette with nice eyes. Perfect!
Cause of Divorce: She is also pretty damn funny on Family Guy. But my house can only have one powerful funny person. And that would be me! See ya Meg Griffin!

5. Rihanna
Wifey Material: She’s hot. Tatted up. Rich. And sings. Yahtzee!!!
Cause of Divorce: I would definitely run around the house all day saying “Umbrella-ella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh…..” Because I’m an asshole. While I would never get sick of it, she most likely will.

4. Maria Menounos
Wifey Material: Boston hottie that likes the same teams as me?! Holla! This is a keeper!
Cause of Divorce: Only because she is friends with Dane Cook. And I hate Dane Cook.

3. Olivia Munn
Wifey Material: Hot, smart and a quadruple threat! TV, movies, writer, sexy. Has a hit blog. She’s like the female me. Except with a nice friggin’ rack.
Cause of Divorce: She likes going to nerdy Comic Con and shit. They wear costumes there. She wears costumes there. And we all know I hate people in costumes. It’s documented. Sorry Olivia. You could’ve been a contender.

2. Megan Fox
Wifey Material: She is the hottest girl to ever exist in the history of existence!!!
Cause of Divorce: Two big reasons…those fucking creepy toe thumbs. Makes me shiver. And she likes losers. Sorry I’m not Brian Austin fucking Green AKA David Silver.

1. Arianny Celeste
Wifey Material: Hot? Check. Brunette? Check. In shape? Check. Likes MMA? Check. Knows that I exist because I stalked…um met her once at the UFC Boston Expo and we occasionally tweet each other on Twitter??? CHECK!!!
Cause of Divorce: None! Arianny Celeste would be my final famous wife. Now somebody please go tell her that.

*Honorable Mentions (AKA “The Women I Will Cheat on my Wives With on The Side”):
Kim Kardashian. For the ass alone.

Kristin Kreuk. Just to piss off her boyfriend. He doesn’t like me.

Sarah Hyland. She’s like a Mila Kunis clone backup plan. But younger.

Eliza Dushku. Come on! She’s a Boston girl yo.

Tara, the doctor chick that Jax bangs on Sons of Anarchy.

Lindsay Lohan. Say what you want, but the ginger is crazy dirty hot.

Mrs. Ari Gold. A true rich milf. And a fictional character.

Angelina Jolie. Because she’s Angelina Jolie!

Jessica Alba. Not because she can act. Because she can’t.

Katy Perry. For her boobs alone.

Any hot chick that reads t-blawg. Seriously. It’s my gift from all of me to all of you.

This is my list. And I’m not crazy. Every guy has his top ten famous chick list. Trust me. I only took it a step further by marrying them. And another step further than that by divorcing them. Shit. I’m insane.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

Filed Under: Alcohol, Awesomeness, Blog, Boston, Celebrity, Comedy, Crazy, Dating, Different, Edgy, Entertainment, Exciting, Funny, Humor, Interesting, Life, MMA, Movies, Music, Opinionated, Party, Photos, Social Media, Sports, t-blawg, Tattoos, TV, UFC, Uncategorized, Women, Writing Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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My “10 Sports T Despises and How MMA Can Help” Post

January 3, 2011 By 10 Comments

This should be allowed in corporate America.

I’m a huge MMA fan. HUGE! I’m not one of those fickle fans who jumped on the bandwagon a couple of years ago when the UFC was getting hot either. I was a fan since the early 90s when the UFC was banned in the US and like little 100 pound dudes fought like 350 pound dudes without gloves in consecutive marathon fights. Now it’s regulated, legit and popular. Just look at all the Affliction wearing douches around you. I also train. Not like a pro. Because I have a real life. And I like my teeth. But for the past few years I’ve incorporated Muay Thai, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and Dirty Boxing into my training routine. Anyways, I’m not just an MMA fan I’m also a huge sports fan. As you probably already know if you’ve been reading t-blawg for a while. But there are some sports I just can’t get into. That I actually despise. I think if they took some elements from MMA they might actually get me to watch them. Maybe. Here are “10 Sports T Despises and Maybe MMA Can Help”.

Soccer
I fucking hate soccer. HATE. With a passion. These dudes run up and down a field that seems like it is 100 miles long for what seems like 9 boring fucking hours only to have the game end in a 0-0 tie. Why would I like this?
How MMA Can Help: If the game is still tied at the end of the 9 hours have 2 players from both teams put 2 players from the opposing teams into rear naked chokes. Whoever taps first loses the game. Simple.

NASCAR
The only sport I hate as much as soccer is NASCAR. These hillbillies drive really really fast and turn left every now and then. That’s a sport?! If your only joy from watching a sport is hoping that some shit blows up and people die, it’s not a real sport!
How MMA Can Help: At every single pit stop the driver has to get out of his car and take 25 shin kicks from a Muay Thai expert before he can get back in his car and start driving again.

Golf
Golf is not a sport. I’ll say it again. Golf is not a sport. I played golf once in my life. So I hardly have any experience. But if I can get up hungover out of my mind in Las Vegas to play 18 holes with my buddies where we all puke on the course and start drinking again while we play, it’s not a fucking sport. No way. No how. Because that’s how we did it.
How MMA Can Help: Every time a golfer hits their ball into the water where the fans watching wonder if there’s an alligator in it, the golf refs put an actual alligator in it and the stupid golfer has to submit the alligator to get his ball back.

Tennis
These so called athletes hit a ball back and forth grunting like retards while some guy on a lifeguard chair keeps score. And I don’t know how he does it. The scoring system makes no sense. How many games have to be played to have a winner??? Why is this stupid sport so confusing? Besides Serena’s giant tank ass what else is there to want to watch?
How MMA Can Help: Loser has to put his tennis racket in front of his face while taking 2 minutes of ground and pound from Brock Lesnar.

Women’s Basketball
Hey call me sexist on this one I don’t care. But women’s basketball is not a sport. It’s horrible. The games end with scores of like 37-22. Those are what dude’s score in like 1 quarter! And if there’s no dunking, it isn’t basketball. Sorry. These chicks can’t dunk. Plus there isn’t a female version of LeDouche James to hate. Every sport needs a villain. And I just hate them all. It isn’t the same. Even that UCONN team. Stop it.
How MMA Can Help: Put a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu pro into the losing team’s mascot costume and have it kick the shit out of the losers immediately after the last buzzer. That shit would be hilarious!

Volleyball
Nobody watches the dudes play. Not since that Tom Cruise volleyball scene in Top Gun. The gayest movie scene known to man. And we only watch the chicks play to see their hot, sweaty bodies. Other than that high note this sport is pointless.
How MMA Can Help: Ban all dudes and just make the chicks have to wrestle each other in a kiddie pool full of baby oil. Actually MMA doesn’t even need to help this sport. Just use my baby oil kiddie pool idea volleyball people.

Softball
The lesbian version of baseball you mean? Get out of here. Wouldn’t watch this shit with your eyes.
How MMA Can Help: Just end the sport entirely and take these masculine chicks and put them in the octagon to bang it out. Call it FUFC. Female UFC. Thank me later Dana White.

Boxing
This sport was once awesome. But it became so corrupted and shitty nobody cares about it. How can I care about a sport that has a 98 year-old, earless, no long-term or short-term memory capable Evander Holyfield still fighting?! I can’t! Manny Pacquiao? Yeah he’s good. For someone the size of a 10 year-old boy who sings karaoke. And until he and Mayweather actually fight, this sport is a damn joke.
How MMA Can Help: MMA cannot help this sport. If you want to see two real men beat the hell out of each other just watch MMA instead. That’s it.

Horse Racing
All of the degenerates in my family watched this sport when I was a kid. So they could gamble. It’s basically a bunch of angry midgets riding and whipping the shit out of horses as they race around a muddy track. It’s so damn lame.
How MMA Can Help: Put the midgets in the octagon with the angry horses instead. Let the horses get a little pay back. Watch a midget get horse kicked out of an octagon and laugh as his little body soars 10 rows into the crowd. Awesome!

The Entire Olympics
Hey I’m all about the USA. I love this country. But the Olympics absolutely suck. Summer and Winter. Suck. Nobody gives a shit about those lame ass sports all year round but when the Olympics come on everybody is all of a sudden an expert. A fan. Cheering. Talking like they know and love the sport because the TV told you to. Shut up. They suck. You suck. You faker. Curling?! Really?! You like curling? The tea kettle and ice sweeping sport? Sledding? You like sledding now too?! You really enjoy watching and cheering that shitty team playing basketball that dares to compare itself to the great Dream Team??? Magic Johnson is rolling over in his grave!!! Oh wait. He’s rich. He has the cure. Anyways. The Olympics are lame.
How MMA Can Help: Until they let MMA into the Olympics I refuse to give a shit. So it can’t help. But if the losing country gets taken over by the winning country, now we’re talking! Every country would be USA baby! Or maybe Canada. Oh no. Wait. We don’t want that. Not America Jr.!

Ten sports that MMA just made cooler. Get on it people in charge of the sports I named! Because until you do, T refuses to watch. And how can T do an “Epic Game Moment” blog post for a sport that he refuses to watch. Hmm? Hmm? Think about that shit.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

Filed Under: Alcohol, Awesomeness, Blog, Comedy, Crazy, Different, Edgy, Entertainment, Exciting, Funny, Health, Humor, Interesting, Life, MMA, Movies, Opinionated, Social Media, Sports, t-blawg, TV, UFC, Uncategorized, Women, Writing Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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