T-pisode 23: I Could Do That

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I like to have an answer for everything. So when people ask me something like “Could you imagine doing that?” Or “Could you ever imagine that happening to you?” I like to say “Yes. Yes I could.” Because at some point in my life I’ve thought about what it would be like to do everything. Be in every situation. And how I could fit into every role possible in life. I don’t know why! But here are some of them.

Military Guy
I friggin’ hate authority! That would be my problem with this role. But I am very routine with my health and working out. And I respect the shit out of the people who protect this country. But me in the military would go something like this. A week of some killer workouts. Getting pissed off at some general for telling me what to do. Punching him. Getting thrown in the clink. Then breaking out and waging a one man war on terrorism across the world as “The Rogue Soldier From Hell” as my name.

President of the United States
This is too much power for any man. Especially me. And I would abuse the shit out of it! First change. Boston is now the nation’s capital! The national anthem is now “Big Pimpin’” by Jay-Z. And I will send in special teams of trained death row convicts to take over every country promising them their freedom instead of using our soldiers then immediately kill the convicts once each country is taken over and has become as awesome as the USA. Megan Fox would be my First Lady. Don’t give a shit if she wants to or not. And I get to throw out the first pitch at every Yankees game wearing a Red Sox jersey and secret service will snipe out any fan that boos me. Definitely thought about this one. A lot.

Head of some Church
Me in charge of a place where people put their faith into something they can’t see and give me money to keep doing it while listening to what I have to say for 2 hours every Sunday?! Shiiiiitttt! Sign me up! But it would be more like a cult. And instead of reading from some holy book, you read posts from t-blawg! Holla!!!!

Radio host
I would get more fines than Howard Stern ever did. Me in front of a microphone for 4 hours a day knowing that I have the opportunity and resources to reach millions of people live daily?! The world would never be the same again.

I’ll say this right now. I’d be a crooked cop cutting deals left and right with criminals. Robbing cool shit from the evidence room. Speeding up and down the streets blowing red lights. Making up codes over the radio to fuck with people. And shooting almost everybody for no reason whatsoever. I could never be a cop.

Male whore
Take out the disease problem and I would totally rule at this! I’m a great date. Can be a gentleman. If the price is right. I look awesome in a suit. And will do anything in bed. Again if the price is right. And no pimp would ever take my money because I can choke his ass the fuck out.

Lone Survivor on a Deserted Island
I would probably die of boredom after 2 days. I need people. Need my Mac. I need the internet. I fucking hate nature. Put a hot chick there and a solar-powered windmill that generates electricity. I’ll never see you again.

Late Night Talk Show Host
All late night talk show hosts suck!!! They all have the same lame ass, predictable opening, corny ass joke full monologues. Same stupid ass desk and chair setups. A retarded fucking bandleader sidekick. And wear lame ass suits. I’d change that up fast! But I couldn’t be on network TV. Strictly cable. For the risqué factor. I’d write my own monologue. No lame ass desk. It’d be a table. And my guests would sit across from me. And I would not ask them any snowball, already pre-screened bullshit questions! I’d look them right in the eye and ask them what the hell were they thinking making that shitty movie! That bad song?! Who are you banging? Have some real rapport. And no stand up comedians. I’ll end that shit with my own killer jokes. My shit would be cool! And probably cancelled faster than Magic Johnson’s show.

Evil Mastermind out for World Domination
I have pulled off some downright evil schemes in my day just because I could! When I plot against you, you are fucked. I’m talking payoffs, blueprints, strategically placed people & plans, months of plotting and research just for revenge or fun even. I’ve pulled off some shit I could never disclose on this blog! Careers ended. Heartbreak. Lives ruined. Some deaths even! Just to further myself in life and crush my enemies. If I wanted to put this ability to test on a grander stage, forget about it. Nobody could stop me. Countries would crumble at my power. Now that I think about it, why am I not being an evil mastermind right now?!

I just want to go out of space and land on a new planet and discover a race of sexy alien sluts. Don’t care about the research. Don’t care about floating around like a dope. The first person to discover a hot ass female race and bring them back to Earth will be the most famous, richest son of a bitch in the history of history! And that man should be me!

You take my time in the military and combine it with my time as a cop and throw in some 6 figure contract money….no women, no kids of course and I would be the greatest hitman ever. I hate most people. And getting paid to fucking kill them would be AWESOME!!!

So there it is! I’ve thought about being and doing everything. My mind never stops. If I ever become a brain surgeon I’ll have to figure out why the fuck it never stops.

Until next time. Always take it there.



  1. Ok, I had to subscribe just due to your line “I am here to entertain the world. Or offend each and every single person while trying.” Holy crap, I’m hooked already.


  2. and p.s., I hate most people too and have vowed that if I ever find out I have a terminal disease…that I will comfort myself by taking out a lot of bad people with me!


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