T-pisode 27: T-facts

If you’ve been reading t-blawg for a while you know two things about me. I’m honest. I’m crazy. Lately I’ve been doing some facts about myself over on Twitter and hashtagging each one with a #tfact. I’m not explaining what a hashtag is. Go on Twitter. It has it’s own vocabulary. It’s like getting to know that foreign kid from that country you never knew existed that you had in your class back in high school and you gave him an American name because you couldn’t say his real name. Anyways, I decided to dedicate a post to some facts about myself. I think they’re entertaining. You might too.

tfact: “I Don’t Answer My Phone”

Most people like to talk for no fucking reason whatsoever. I’m so damn busy. I don’t have time for chit chat. You need to get me? Text me. Short and sweet. How I like my women. 9 out of 10 times I won’t answer my phone. Unless you’re my mother, my sister, my boy Stama, a money-making business opportunity or Megan Fox, I don’t want to talk to you! But if you text, I will reply. Eventually. You know why? Because what you have to say is never important! Here’s how I know. Ready? When you call and I send you to voicemail you….don’t…..leave….a message!!! See?! Not important.

tfact: “I Don’t Drink Coffee”

I don’t like coffee. I know I’m in the major minority here. But I never got it’s appeal. Like you need the caffeine? No you don’t. That shit is all in your head. Remember before you drank it? You didn’t need it because you didn’t drink it. You make no sense. You’re weak. I get by drinking like 8 gallons of water a day. And I manage. I’m not saying I’m better than you. I’m just saying you’re a pussy. If you really like being addicted to something then grow some balls and try crack. Go big or go home I say.

tfact: “I Know All of the Words to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air Theme Song”

Before he was Will Smith the dude was the Fresh Prince. And from 1990-1996 I watched that show religiously! I still find myself Youtubing the Carlton Dance. I’m just glad my mother wasn’t as strict as his. Dude got in one little fight, his mom got scared and sent him to go live with his auntie and uncle in Bel-Air?! Little fucking harsh no? My mother kept me and I did way worse shit than that! Plus we didn’t have any rich relatives. Anyways. I can spit the theme song out word for word without the beat. I’m hardcore like that.

tfact: “I Have a Dark Hair Pretty Eyes Vice”

I thought I used to have a type. But now I realize it was just a vice. But every woman I have ever met with dark hair and sweet pretty eyes made me go insane. It’s not a type. It’s a vice. Because now I’ll date or hookup with a woman with blonde hair and fucking lazy eyes if she’s cool, smart, ambitious and the rest of her is hot as fuck. But if I’m ever talking to this crazy eyed hottie and old dark hair pretty eyed girl walks by, I’m screwed. Hey, even T has a vice or two yo. But it ain’t caffeine. Zing!

tfact: “I’ve Never Been Skiing or Ice Skating”

I love the gym. I love running outside. I do MMA. I love a good pickup game of basketball. But I can’t stand snow sports! Don’t mind the snow. Just don’t like fucking around in it. I’ve been invited to ski a dozen times. Pass! “T, you can drink and bang a chick in the cabin by the fireplace after you ski” they say. Why the hell would I pay $400 to do that there when I can do that at home for free and still have both my legs not be broken?! Ice skate? I’ll take you to the Frog Pond honey and run beside you like Rocky did while you skate like Adrianne. I can’t bust my head open. I need it. The world needs it!

tfact: “I Don’t Kiss Broads in the Club”

My boys give me shit for this one. A lot. They call it my Pretty Woman rule. Look, call me crazy but I’ll say right here what I say to them. Kissing a chick for me is intimate. It means I like her. I’ll bang a chick I don’t like. But I won’t kiss her. For real. I’ve banged some chicks I’ve downright despised in my time!!! But kiss them? Never. Not me. Not my chair. Not my problem.

tfact: “I am Barred From the Econo Lodge. All of Them”

It’s been documented on here before that I’ve been known for making a crank call or two in my time. Well how about 200 of them in 2 hours??? Yeah that’s right. My sister and bro-in-law were kind enough to take my cousin and I to Six Flags in New Jersey when I was 15. They knew we would do something bad eventually. What they didn’t know was that we’d do something like this just 5 hours after we left Boston. We had our own hotel room next to them. And my cousin and I were already notorious for our crank calls. We checked in at 11PM. We both looked at the phone and went to work. We called every room in the hotel at least 20 times with a different voice/story each time. We quickly realized nobody could tell that the calls were coming from our room. We had people convinced diabetics needed refrigeration for their insulin. Convinced others that there were terrorists amongst us. Bombs in the hotel. A mandatory guest meeting in the lobby at midnight. Missing children. And a 3-alarm chemical fire in room 310 that was contained but would spread shortly! The lone hotel desk guy came to our room but we pretended like we were sleeping. We eventually opened the door once he alerted my sister to our shenanigans. He took our phone. TV. Refrigerator. Made us pack our bags and made my sister put down $200 so we could stay the night there but had to leave promptly at 6AM. We went down the next morning. The guy at the desk showed my cousin and I our names in the hotel database. He marked us both for lifelong bans from the entire Econo Lodge hotel chain. It was awesome.

I hope you enjoyed some of these facts about myself. Because they’re not just your average facts. They’re tfacts! Check them out on Twitter yo @tblawg

Until next time. Always take it there.

T