T-pisode 39: Booze for Every Occasion

Guys bond over booze. Plain and simple. Shooting the shit? Booze. Watching the game? Booze. Meeting chicks? Booze. After we fight with each other. No apologizing just booze. Birthdays, holidays, BBQs, graduations, fishing, murders, funerals, weddings….booze, booze, booze! Here’s the proper guy booze etiquette.

Buddy’s 21^st
Either buy him a bottle of his favorite hard shit then go party. Or take his ass out and buy him so many drinks he ends up puking until his 22^nd. This is Bro Code understood.

Buddy Just Got Dumped
Shots at a strip club. Preferably in Vegas. Throw in a lap dance with a chick that looks like his ex. Except tell him the stripper’s even hotter.

Buddy Got a Promotion/New Job
This calls for some manly shit. Scotch. Whiskey. On ice. Light up a stogie too. After a steak dinner. Compare business cards American Psycho style with everybody you see.

Buddy’s Going to be a Dad for the First Time
Just get him as much of his favorite booze as possible. Homeboy is gonna need it!

Had a Fight with Your Buddy
No formal apology necessary. His favorite shot. Followed by his favorite drink. Then you say “My b. We cool though right?” Of course you are! You’re bros!!!

Buddy Just Got Fired
Follow the  “Buddy Just Got Dumped” strip club protocol above. Followed with an offer to fuck up his boss for him. If he accepts your offer, you have to do it stupid.

You and Your Buddy Got Away with a Crime
DO NOT CELEBRATE IN PUBLIC!!! Not at a bar. Not at a strip club. Not anywhere. You don’t want to get drunk and let slip about the guy you just killed. Or about how much you pulled off in that bank robbery. Go home. Split a bottle of Captain. And never speak about it again. Ever. You saw what happens in Good Fellas right?

Haven’t Seen Your Buddy in a While
Beers! Lots of ‘em! Beers and laughs. Beers and laughs!

Buddy Lost Somebody Close to Him
Find out what he wants before the funeral. Go to the liquor store and mix it up in a bottle of Sprite. Hand it to him like it’s booze free. Let him mourn while buzzed. Give him a piece of gum too so relatives won’t think he’s a lush when they kiss him.

Buddy’s Girlfriend Brought a Hot Friend for You
You are now obligated to buy him a bottle of his favorite wine. Two if you bang her. She turns out to be a Stage 5 clinger? He owes you a bottle back. That simple.

Buddy Helped You Move
Just boxes? A six-pack. Boxes and furniture? A night of drinks of whatever he wants. A body? You are now in debt that goes beyond alcohol. He’s a real buddy. Treat him accordingly.

Your Buddy’s Favorite Team wins the Big One
You make sure you both drink everything in sight! They won the friggin’ big one!!! Sick day tomorrow baby! If he’s a buddy whose favorite team is the team you hate, fuck him. Find a new buddy.

Your Buddy’s Bachelor Party
A real bachelor party goes like this. Dinner to please the old fuckers so you can get rid of them and his future in-laws early. Then booze bus. Strip club. Casino. No photos. Ever. There is no alcohol control for your buddy. He will end up drinking everything everybody gives him. Nobody ever talks about the bachelor party once it has ended either. That’s Man Law. Respect it.

Your Buddy’s Divorce is Final
Champagne. Lots of it.

Your Buddy Found Out He Knocked Some Random Slut Up
Shots. Patron. Buka. Shots. Shots. And shots. Strong and often. And plenty of them. He is so fucked.

Like I said. Booze for every occasion. If your buddy is having an occasion, there is booze for it. So now you know. No excuses if you ever have one of the above events going on. Don’t let your buddy down. And don’t let T down. I share these pieces of life knowledge not only because I like talking about myself but because I care. A little. Actually, I just like talking about myself.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T