T-pisode 53: Office Holiday Party Protocol

It’s that time of the year. Office holiday party time! Where careers can be made or broken. Where you can become a superstar or a never was. I’ve been to a few office holiday parties in my life. From a young stupid rookie. To a seasoned vet. I did it all. It’s been a few years since my last one though. I have one this week so I figured I would freshen up on the proper protocol. And believe me, there is a protocol. You don’t want to be that drunken idiot douche or slut that commits career suicide. Not in this economy! So if you’re one of the lucky ones to actually have an office holiday party this year, pay attention.

The Office Holiday Party Protocol is broken into 5 sections with a total of 10 rules. They are as follows:

A. Drinking:
-Do not get smashed dummy
If you go to your office party just to get smashed, you are a fucking idiot. You are now the office clown and you will never be taken seriously. Do not get smashed.

-Drink with the boss
Have a drink with your boss. Do not accept the drink tickets that he or she will offer to pay with. Use your own cash. Show that you have class. Chat up your boss. Only about things that are not work related. But don’t kiss ass. Leave that to somebody else. Have your drink. Toast to the year. Then go about the rest of the party. Trust me.

-Don’t be a rookie and abuse drink tickets
A lot of holiday parties give you like 2 drink tickets. That should be the max amount of drinking you do whether you pay or get them for free. Let the office slut or drunk abuse the system. You should standby and watch them self destruct.

B. Dress Code:
-Bro Dress Code always in effect
Always look your best. Always. The office holiday party is no exception. If it’s right after work. Keep the suit on drop the tie. If it’s on the weekend. Put the suit on. Act and dress accordingly. Two pay grades above your salary always. Stand near the clowns wearing the blue button ups and khakis every now and then just to look even cooler around the higher-ups and office hotties.

-No stupid holiday sweaters ever
Wear an ugly holiday sweater? Get punched in the face!

-Leave the Santa hat for low-level mailroom clerks and interns
Come on bro! You serious?! What are you? 7 years old?! Don’t be that guy. Even if an office hottie with massive cleavage and a mistletoe attached to her head tries to put one on you, say “Thank you. I’ll pass. You however look great. Definitely come find me later. We’ll have a drink for sure.” Smooth. You look good. You stay looking good. And you set something up for later.

C. Sex:
-Never! Except for 2 clauses.
1. Only with somebody on another floor that never works with you or your department.
2. Or with a person who is working the party (waitress, bartender, caterer, etc.).

But never with a co-worker or with a boss in your department! Don’t do it. If you stay with the 2 drink max, you won’t be stupid enough to do it. When you come in the first work day after the party, everybody will already know what you did. Even the people who sign your checks. You’re now the office idiot. If you are really that horny just go with the non-department option or with a person working the party. I did both. Once with a married chick in HR who I gave a ride home. Then another kind of ride. ZING! She fell in love. Wanted to leave her husband and shit. WTF?! Hey I was 24. And one time I got so smashed and woke up next to the hottie bartender that worked the party. I snuck out before she woke up. She wasn’t so hottie in the AM. Took me hours to find my damn car too. Did the walk of shame to work. I wouldn’t do either today. But glad I got it out of my system.

D. Socializing:
-Branch out
Don’t just talk to the same people you work with everyday! Come on. Talk to people you never talk to. After you talk to the boss of course. Interact. Grow your network. Make the rounds. Get names. But more importantly, make sure people get your name!

E. Timing:
-Two hours max then bounce
Never linger. Never over stay. Just smile. Have your 2 drinks. Talk to your boss. Talk to your coworkers. Meet a hottie or 2. Or 3. Then get the hell out of there. Make it seem like you have places to be. You are important. No need to be there that long. You see these people like 45-50 hours a week. Enough is enough!

-Bonus
Bonus is part of timing. If you’re lucky to get one in this day and age. This is the only thing that should keep you at the party any longer than necessary. Wait until the details of it are mentioned or if is actually going to be given out at the party. If you wait only to find out nobody’s getting one or if you’re all only getting fruitcakes, punch your boss in the face then bang the office slut right there in front of everybody. Fuck it. Tell them T said to do it.

So that’s the Office Holiday Party Protocol. You now know what to do and what not to do. Thank me later. Just don’t give me a piece of your fruitcake. Because I will punch you.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T