T-pisode 54: Festivus 2

Festivus. My favorite holiday of them all! It was created by the father of a writer on “Seinfeld” and made popular on the show years ago and I along with hundreds of other people (“Seinfeld” fans, Wikipedia users) have been celebrating it ever since. It happens on December 23. Two days before Christmas. It’s tagline is “Festivus for the rest of us.” It’s purpose is to have a holiday for the people who refuse to get caught up in the insanity of the other holidays during this time of the year. And it’s traditions are unmatched.

What are the traditions of Festivus? Well there is the “Festivus Pole” instead of a tree. A plain pole without any decoration. There are the “Feats of Strength” where the party isn’t over until the head of the household is pinned to the ground. There are “Festivus Miracles”. Like Arianny Celeste lying under my “Festivus Pole” wearing nothing but high heels when I wake up Festivus morning. And then there is my favorite tradition of them all. The “Airing of Grievances”! This is the part where you get to tell everybody how they have disappointed you over the past year. Time for my grievances. I present Festivus 2!!!

Here is my list of people and things that have disappointed me this past year (*There are some repeat offenders from last year):

Four Loko Drinkers
I’m so glad this stupid ass drink got banned in Mass. Even when I did underage drinking, I was never the type who would drink 2 beers and be like “Ohhh I’m so drunk right now. Whoooo!” I hate people like that. These are the same people who drink Four Loko. Trying to act all hardcore drunk and shit. Fucking posers. Drink Red Bull and vodka instead. Actually. Drink like 8 of them. Then let’s see how “hyper drunk” you can really get after you die. Idiots.

The 80lb chick that lives above me and walks like an elephant
What the fuck is your problem?! You’re so little yet you walk around like Andre the Giant trying to rape a giraffe! I nicely confronted you and you said “That’s weird. Because I walk around barefoot so I’m light on my feet.” No you’re not! I told you to get slippers! Slip and slide around like a ballerina on the fucking hardwood floors! I am buying you a pair and nailing them to your fucking door. If you don’t wear them, I’m nailing them to your forehead.

*Tom Brady
You son of a bitch. I thought you were moving so I moved. But you stayed. You totally messed up my “Tom Brady’s my neighbor so come over and I’ll show you baby” line again. And now you have that stupid Bieber hair do. And you’re wearing fucking UGGS!!!! Come on dude. Enough already. It’s getting really hard to defend you when I’m doing football trash talk with people from NY and LA. You owe everybody in Boston another Super Bowl just to get them off our damn backs.

The old gay guy who works at my gym
Hey I get it. I’m a sexy bastard. I know this. Chicks of all ages, shapes and sizes dig T. Hell yeah. And I guess some dudes do too. Because the old guy that works at my gym hits on me every morning. Every morning! Dude you’re making me feel like a piece of meat. I’m uncomfortable. I have a brain too you know! And feelings!!! Is this payback for years of hot chick oogling??? Son of a bitch. Damn you karma.

*President Obama
Dude you still haven’t done anything. Same as last year. And just like last year, I still want my vote back. Going on The Daily Show? REALLY?! Calling into Ryan Seacrest’s show? REALLY?! You’re not a celebrity! You’re the President of the United States. Do your job! Stop playing basketball too. You suck at it anyways. Say what you say about the man but Bill Clinton had this country jumping! Money and jobs! Money and jobs. So what if he banged some slampig intern. It felt good buying food for your belly back then right? Put him back in.

Lindsay Lohan
All the partying. All the drinking. All the drugs. All the sex. All the arrests. All the rehabs. I’ve had you in my celebrity death pool for almost 6 years now and you won’t fucking die! You’ve cost me so many chances at a $62 pot so far. Unbelievable.

Anyting Else Lady
This lady works at the Mediterranean restaurant near my house. She doesn’t speak English too well and always messes up my order. And always asks me “Anyting else?” I hear that in my nightmares. “Anyting else?” “Anyting else?!” She hasn’t gotten one order right yet. Not one. I really need to stop going there. “Anyting else?!”

*The economy
Nobody knows what your problem is. We can’t figure you out. Not the Republicans that broke you. Not the Democrats that can’t fix you. You’re a mess. You’re making the United States of America look like Lindsay Lohan. What the fuck is your problem?

The Event
This show is trying so bad to be LOST. But it’s not. LOST didn’t start pissing me off until like season 3. This show pissed me off like 3 minutes into the first episode. The jump around effect is not needed every fucking 7 seconds! What the hell?! Aliens that turn little girls into midget old men??? What the fuck is that all about?! And at the end of every episode stop saying “The show everyone is talking about” stupid announcer guy. Because nobody is talking about this stupid ass show. Nobody is even watching. Why the hell am I watching then?!

*The 2010 Red Sox
It wasn’t the injuries that cost us last season. It wasn’t their replacements because they played well. It wasn’t David Ortiz because he came back to life. It wasn’t the coaching because Tito made miracles out of what he had to deal with. Nope. It was the pitching. Yeah it was. More specifically it was Beckett, Lackey, Dice-K, Papelbon and everybody in the bullpen in between. You guys absolutely sucked. The 2011 Red Sox have a lot of redeeming to do.

The LOST Finale
I don’t care what anybody says. The ending sucked ass. The writers pussied out because they pulled a Sopranos on the world. You don’t leave a series finale open ended for the viewers to pick their own ending. No! Seinfeld had an ending that sucked. The Shield had a great ending. Good or bad it doesn’t matter, as the writer you close that shit. That’s your fucking job.

Time Wasters
This year was the year of time wasters. I blame myself on this one. I softened up a bit and tried putting the time into relationships both personal and business with certain people who turned out only to be a waste of my time. It works both ways. You give, you should get. You get, you should give. If it’s not reciprocated then you have gots to go. No more Mr. Nice T. Peace the fuck out time wasters. Fat trimming season is in full effect in 2011. Feelings will be hurt.

*Hollywood
Keep going with all those 3D remake reboot sequel comic book graphic novel tv show book adaptation movies. You’re a real piece of unoriginal shit right now. But for me you’re like the miserable wife I can’t divorce. Dammit.

New Twitter
The Fail Whale is gone but Twitter is now slower than the slowest kid nobody picked at recess. Nice job Twitter. #FAIL

Justin Bieber
You’re a fucktard kid. Go back to Canada. Has Canada given the world anything good besides Pamela Anderson, strippers and hockey? I’m serious here.

Chicks with super tight jeans with high heel sexy boots
You chicks have no idea what you’re doing with this look. This look manages to bring even the most busted chick to almost bangable levels. Seriously. So just imagine what you already hot chicks are doing to guys when you put on the sexy boots and super tight jeans. It’s not right. Maybe the hottest look since the t-back thong stick outs of the early 2000s. So distracting. But don’t stop.

Angry Bird Players
You fucking idiots. You are the same people who claim you are always busy. You claim you can’t make it to the gym. You can’t go out. You work too many hours. You can’t read my damn blog!!! Yet you’re sitting on your fat ass playing this stupid fucking game. You play Xbox with a strange 12 year-old kid. You’re in 3 fantasy football leagues. You watch 4 hours of reality TV each night. You’re not busy!!! Put the stupid fucking bird game down and do something!!! Dicks.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
I was a fan of this show before it became a cult it. Before it became mainstream. I introduced it to everybody I know. Oh how quick they forget. I was in LA when the guys were shopping around their homemade “Charlie Has Cancer” pilot when they got their deal. I love this show. It’s groundbreaking. But this season sucked. The funny totally went out the window. The only people who can’t see that are the same idiots who forgot that I introduced them to the show. Seriously. Let’s hope they return to form next season.

The everyday Facebook complainers who complain about everyday shit
Just shut the fuck up already will you?! Your commute to and from works, your gym comings and goings, your relationship problems, your going out right nows, your weather reports, your taking a shits, your my job is the worst evers….we don’t give a fuck. We’re going through the same shit you are asshole. Do you really think somebody is going to say “You’re right. You’re commute is the worst. I feel so bad for you. Somebody should do something for you. Oh my God. I’ll make a ribbon for you and wear it everywhere.”? NO! Get off Facebook before I block you.

People Forcing Their Causes on Me
I walk down Boylston St. and get some fucking hippie every 5 damn feet trying to get me to sign something that will save the world. Fuck you. I have psycho vegan friends trying to get me to stop eating meat. Fuck you. I have people trying to get me to donate to their marathon running, bike cycling, boat racing, hunger walking…Fuck you. I have my college trying to get me to donate to help new students. Fuck you. Leave me alone. I didn’t tell you to run the marathon. I don’t know these kids going to my old college. I didn’t tell you to eat only stupid vegetables. That’s your shit. Don’t drag me into it! I donate to different types of causes and do great things all the time. I just don’t showboat and bother the people I know about it like you. Are you really in it for the cause or just the attention the cause gets you? Hmmm. Fuck you.

Willow Smith
I will not support a 9 year-old talentless kid’s career which she only has because of her super rich and super famous parents. Are you fucking kidding me? If you’re listening to her shit you are an asshole.

All of 2010
This year was a total rollercoaster ride for me. I can’t wait to see you go 2010! I hope your sister 2011 turns out to be hot as hell because I’m going to bang the shit out of her and never fucking call her after I’m done. How do you like that?!
HAPPY FESTIVUS!!!

Until next time. Always take it there.

T