T-pisode 55: T Does Philly in 3 Paragraphs

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How I do Philly

*I’ve decided to do a series of blog posts that capture my travels throughout my life. In 3 paragraphs. I’ll post them every once in a while. Some places I’ve been to a few times, others only once. And some I will probably never go back to because of what went down there.

I’m a huge fan of Philadelphia. Huge. Before my first visit there my only knowledge of Philly was from the Rocky movies. They made it seem like a great working class city where Italians are idolized. Sounded great to me. My first visit came in November 2005. Nine months after the Patriots beat the Eagles in the Super Bowl. I thought this entitled me to some bragging rights. That didn’t go over so well with some douchie dudes. I was there on my own for business so I knew the odds were against me. Like Rocky. Luckily, my old neighbor Tom Brady came through for me yet again. The ladies I met at Plough & The Stars in Old City off Market street thought Tom Brady was cute even though he spanked that Eagle ass. And they thought I was cute. And talked funny. So they kept the Philly douches at bay while I worked my magic. This was the first time I had Yuengling beer too. I’m not a big beer drinker but that shit made me wish they had it in Boston. Tasty and smooth. Like Philly women.

The whole Philly cheesesteak thing is way overrated. I’ve been to Philly a few times and tried them all. Yes even Pat’s and Geno’s. That shit is horrible quality steak with fucking cheese wiz. Cheese wiz! Get out of here! Maybe because in Boston I grew up on bombass steak and cheese subs but I just didn’t see the appeal. My only Philly disappointment. And the fact that Paddy’s Pub from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia didn’t exist. Neither did the Rocky statue. I went up those stupid stairs and he wasn’t there. No place for the pigeons to rest or shit. Weak. Back to the women. On my second trip there I met a former 1986 Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. It was her first time in Philly. I acted like a seasoned Philly vet to impress. There was a 17 year age gap between us. I was young. She was the ultimate MILF. She was in town for a Volkswagon convention. She had giant implants and kept on her cowgirl hat. The whole time. I was the envy of all the drunken messes in that Hooters. After our night of wings, tequila and dirty dancing, I woke up in my hotel room to a thank you note. But it is I who should be thanking you Philly for that one. So thank you.

All in all, Philadelphia reminds me of a good mix of Boston and New York City. Not too big. Not too small. Lots of east coast attitude. You can find some of the things you love about home yet find some cool new things as well. A diverse city with a lot of history and some loyal ass sports fans. Plenty of hot ass women that like Boston guys. I haven’t been to Philly in a few years but would like to go back. My goal next time is to run the Rocky run while a bunch of little kids come out of nowhere and run along with me cheering. Then hit up Market street and get hammered off Yuengling while a Boston team is destroying a Philly team then I’ll meet a hot ass Philly chick that may or may not be a former NFL cheerleader and we both get so assed out drunk that she convinces me to try a cheesesteak and I actually like it because I’m so smashed. That’s my perfect Philly dream. Like I said, I’m a huge Philly fan. But I love Boston the best.

Until next time. Always take it there.



  1. I have wanted an authentic Philly cheesesteak my nearly my entire life, so while I respect that you don’t enjoy them, I still dream of that heart attack inducing meal. And I happen to really dig on Cheez Whiz. :p


    1. I also dreamed about it. So I was devastated. And I like cheez whiz too. On crackers. It doesn’t go well with the steak.

      Can’t wait for you to try a cheese steak one day. Let me know if it lives up to the dream.


      1. Try it on toast some time. Though, you’ve been warned –
        you’ll never want toast any other way EVER.


      2. Really?! My mother never thought of that when I was a kid. She put it on saltines only. I used to shoot it out of the can into mouth a lot. Then she’d hit me in the back of the head. I couldn’t find the stuff in Boston for years. But my supermarket now carries it! Might have to go get some for toast immediately.


  2. Philly is a great time & any time I’ve been there
    I’ve left with a story that contributes to my awfulness. But the
    real positives of this post is the calling out of the cheesesteak.
    It’s baffeled me how they’ve been able to build up the buzz around
    this, and people from Philly cling to it. Congrats you put cheese
    on steak. this wasn’t a culinary breakthrough. That being said, if
    I’m having one after a night out then it’s the greatest thing I’ve
    ever eaten.


    1. You are the man Rico! I’ve been getting so much shit over the cheesesteak criticism. Finally somebody else agrees. People are buying and eating hype. Great city. Hot chicks. Good beer. Decent history. Shitty cheesesteaks. That’s Philly.


  3. I love Philly and Yuengling! Best place ever to watch sports. Except maybe for today…that was just embarrassing…And, the Cheesesteak situation with the cheese whiz is what it is which is freakN AWESOME!

    Btw I hope your boy Tom Brady left the Uggs at home for that trip…yeah, that would not go over well with the locals.


    1. You need to try a steak and cheese sub in Boston. I just can’t like those Philly cheesesteaks. I wanted to. I tried. No go.

      When the Pats win the Super Bowl in a few weeks, I promise to buy a pair of those girly Uggs, put them on, walk into a Philly bar, kick up my legs onto the bar, lean back and say “What….Up.”


      1. Although the thought of you wearing a pair of booties in a
        philly bar is rather entertaining…I suggest you hold off on the
        superbowl wishful thinking…y’all haven’t won yet.


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