I’m just going to put this out there. Tons of women put up some really misleading and pointless pics on their Facebook pages. You think you look cute. You don’t. You think you look funny. You don’t. You think you look cool. You don’t. You think you’re being original. You’re not. You want the truth baby? Well that’s what I do. Here’s what your Facebook pic is really saying to the world.
Self portrait holding phone up in the mirror
I’m just like every other conceited chick on here. I need attention. “Like” my pic so I have some self-esteem. Thank you.
Arm bent on hip pose
I think I’m fat. This hides my arm fat though. I may be skinny. I may be fat. Either way I have issues.
Me with a bunch of my hot friends
I have enough confidence to know that I am hot. Maybe too much. But now that you know I have hot friends, will you hit on them too? Oh shit.
My girlfriends cropped out
I’m catty and I hate other women. Even my friends. Imagine what I’ll be like to the women in your life.
A pic of me from 5 years ago
Yeah. I don’t look like this anymore. No way. But I really want to believe it. I really want you to believe it more.
Me cuddling my pet really hard and awkward
Crazy pet chick. That is all.
Me with other people’s kids
See?! I’m loving. I’ll make a good mother some day! I’m totally fucking tricking you right now.
A pic of food
I’m not fat. Really. All chicks take pics of food and make them their profile pics. It means I’m secure about my body image. Don’t judge me. Quick where’s the bathroom? I need to go gag myself.
Me in my slutty Halloween costume from 2004. Even though it’s January 2011 right now.
Oh. I’m a bad, bad girl. I want you to think so at least. No. I won’t play dress up for you. As a matter of fact, once we start dating, this hot ass costume will be replaced by an unsexy full body Gumby suit.
My ex Photoshopped out very badly
I know out of all the pics of me on Facebook I decided to use this one because I still really really hate my ex! He’s an asshole! You know what he did to me?! 5 years ago??? No this isn’t a red flag. I’m totally over him. Really. I’m going to unblock him again today to see what he’s been up to. WHAT?! He still has me blocked?! I’m going to cut his tires right now.
A pic from my childhood
I have lived a life full of regret and the 8-year-old in me hates me. I want you to think I was cute for some reason. Even though most of you didn’t know me back then. Shut up. I’m confused. Where’s the wine?
Me and my hot sister
Isn’t she beautiful??? She’s like a younger, hotter, sluttier version of me and now you have a comparison. I know I shouldn’t be mad about your 3 way fantasy with the 2 of us. But I will be. Even though I only have myself to blame.
My Semi-Professional Model Pic
Everybody knows I’m not a model. But with a nice camera, a lot of makeup, fake eye lashes, fake fingernails, hair extensions, a push up bra, a bunch of borrowed clothes and a lot of Photoshop I kind of look like one. But I really am looking for a relationship built on trust and honesty. So lets keep it real. What?
The black and white Pic
I’m artsy! Look! Wait I’m really not. I just learned Photoshop 2 hours ago.
I’m clearly drunk
So I like my booze??? After a few AA meetings I’ll take it down.
Me with the Peace Sign
I’m really not a peaceful hippie. I’m unoriginal so this is the best I could come up with. This means I’m also like a cold piece of fish in bed.
Me giving the Finger
I want you to think I’m bad ass. Like fuck the world or something. But I really just hate myself more and more as I close in on 30.
Just my cleavage
I’m really not a slut. I just have really nice boobs. And I really want a guy to like me for what’s on the inside. What?
Me driving pic
I’m about to die. What….up.
Kissy duck face
Don’t I look like such a cute kissy duck face?! Who’s the cute kissy duck face??? I’m the cute kissy duck face! Yes I am! Yes I….wait don’t delete me. Come back!
Looking off to the side for no reason whatsoever self-portrait
I’m half retarded. At least. Maybe full.
In my sluttiest outfit for the club. Either at the club. Or at home before the club.
This is hours and hours of gym time, dieting, working out and tanning. It took weeks to find this dress. Spent too much money on my fake hair and makeup. But I’m not superficial. I just want one guy to prove to me that he’s not like the rest. And I’m going to find him and test him while looking like this. In a club. When I’m drunk. Yep. That makes sense.
Me just waking up/no make up/belly showing etc. With the caption “I look gross/fat”
Yes you really do. But you want a hundred guys to say you don’t while still clicking on the like button. You’re fucking crazy.
I’m on to all of you. Now everybody else is too. Your Facebook pics are stupid. Smarten the fuck up.
Until next time. Always take it there.