T-pisode 60: T Does South Beach in 3 Paragraphs

*I’ve decided to do a series of blog posts that capture my travels throughout my life. In 3 paragraphs. I’ll post them every once in a while. Some places I’ve been to a few times, others only once. And some I will probably never go back to because of what went down there.

I’ve only been to South Beach once in my life. And it was only for a day. I know, I know. It bothers me too. But let me tell you about that one day trip. It was for 27 hours. And every hour was put to use. One of my boys and I booked a trip on a cruise to the Bahamas with some other friends that left Miami on a Friday. So my pal and I decided to leave Boston a day earlier to go to South Beach before we had to get on the cruise and join everybody else. We left Logan that Thursday morning on the first flight out of Boston. We landed and got to our hotel the Old Colony at 8:00AM. At 8:01AM we found out that Happy Hour was every hour! We ordered 2 of the largest Scorpion Bowls known to man. In Boston the bars don’t open until 11AM. To actually drink that early in that weather in that city made us think we were in heaven. And we were. The party started early and never ended.

After a couple of hours of Happy Hour boozing and hurting our necks looking at the quality of women strutting up and down Ocean Drive we went to the liquor store and packed a cooler to hit the beach. Topless beach that is. While South Beach is on par with Vegas and LA for hot chicks, there was the occasional old cougar topless on the beach. But it wasn’t that bad. She was 50 years old, her boobs were young at like 7 years old. This place is like Implant Central! It was awesome. We spent hours drinking, chatting to ladies and tanning on the beach. And I didn’t have any sun block. What a dumb move. This caused some serious dementia later on that night and on the upcoming cruise. I had like 3^rd degree burns on my head. Whatever. The booze numbed the pain. We power napped for like 12 minutes back at the hotel and then got ready for more partying. We hit the Clevelander, met some hotties, drank some more, hit up more spots, I flirted with a hot ass Russian KGB spy/restaurant hostess, saw some sick cars, drank some more, then finally slowed down for an awesome meal. South Beach has some great food from what I remember. The sun set and night there is equal as or more awesome than South Beach during the day.

After our meal, we walked up and down the strip just taking in the ambience of this awesome place. I stumbled upon a Cuban Cigar guy. Never one to pass up the opportunity to haggle with a street vendor by showboating my sales skills, I bought a Cuban cigar. My first cigar ever. It was good. I was drunk. I think it was laced with hash. I have no fucking idea. So at this point in the trip I’m on booze, no sleep, a hashish laced cigar, sunstroke and dehydration. So what do we do? We think we’re Crockett & Tubbs and hit up Mansion where they filmed the Miami Vice movie. We Boston talked our way through the line of course. Ballin’!!! Oddly enough we ran into some Boston chicks inside that knew us from back home. Weird. Then blew them off for the chicks we met earlier at the Clevelander. One of the chicks was hot as hell and gave me a shot of Yager. I hate Yager. I did the shot though. You never turn down a hot chick’s shot. Never. Aaaand that was the point where everything went black. I woke up the next morning in her hotel room with my buddy calling my cell asking where I was and that we were going to miss the boat. In the following order I got her number, then I got her name, asked her where I was, then I asked her if she roofied me because that shot of Yager blacked me the fuck out. And I don’t black out. Ever. I ran back to my hotel. And we left to get the boat. There were a lot of things that led to my South Beach blackout. Some good. Some bad. Either way, I need to go back. Maybe more than 27 hours this time. South Beach is a trip. Pun intended. But I love Boston the best.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T