T-pisode 64: Greatest Moments of My Asshole Era

After my evil yet contradicting good student era from birth through the age of 13, I entered my asshole era. Now I was still a good student but outside of school around friends and even sometimes around complete strangers as well, I was an asshole. I can admit that now. From the ages of 14-24, I was a complete asshole. To everyone. Just because. My friends were also assholes, but I was definitely king asshole. I made a lot of enemies at that time. I still apologize to this day for being an asshole. I’ve matured. Became a man. And really started to get my shit together and treat people better. I stopped doing the asshole things that I would do for no reason. I just did them. I was an angry bastard. Thankfully, I lightened the hell up and stopped being an asshole. Here are 10 reasons why I was an asshole. I did a lot worse than what’s on this list, but I can’t reveal those acts of assholeness to the world. Due to not wanting to incriminate myself and my pals. The following are some serious asshole moments. Read at your own discretion. I’m no longer like this. But these are some heavy asshole moments that might make you think otherwise. Enjoy. Did I mention I used to be an asshole?

10. Snapped on a dead chick
My cousin met his future wife when we were all in college together. She would try to include me in their activities by putting together nights out with them and her single girlfriends so I could still hang out with my cousin while she and I got to know each other as well. I was too much of an asshole to appreciate the gesture at the time so I was mean to all of her friends. And one of them I was a little extra mean to one night. I was in a bad mood as usual and the 3 of us went to get roast beef sandwiches. I didn’t want to sit with them because I was pissy. So I sat 2 tables away. By myself. In the empty restaurant. Yeah. Seriously. My cousin had just met his girlfriend’s friend that night, just like me. She decided to break the ice with my cousin by telling him the story about how she had “died” when she was younger and was brought back to life by doctors that saved her. I didn’t hear anything else as I ate. I just heard that she said she had died. And for some reason it bothered me that she had died. So I shouted out across the tables “YOU DIED?! Who the fuck fucking dies?! So stupid.” I didn’t even make eye contact. I just said this out loud. Into my roast beef sandwich. The place went silent. She cried. My cousin and his girlfriend were pissed. Really pissed. Can’t blame them.

9. Called the police to break up a party. A party I was still at.
My buddy met a chick. So we all went to her house to party. When we got there, she was hot. Her friends all looked like linebackers for the Patriots. We drank. I got angry. We got bored. My buddy didn’t want to leave because she was hot. And he didn’t want us to leave him. So I decided to break up the party by calling the police. I went into the kitchen by myself and dialed 911. Told them “I’m stuck at a boring party with ugly chicks. We’re all underage and drinking. Sex is next. You better come do something about it.” The cops showed up 5 minutes later and told the girl that somebody had called from inside the house complaining about the party. The cops made all us guys leave. That’s how asshole T broke up whack ass parties yo!

8. Drank a keg and then strangled a dude in a moving car, in a tunnel
We ended up at a lame ass party in college. Degenerate pill poppers. No hot chicks. And a keg of beer that nobody was drinking. I was with my cousin, his girlfriend, 2 of her girlfriends and 1 of their douchebag guy friends. We were bored. My cousin dared me to drink the keg by myself. I accepted the challenge. I always accepted his challenges. It kept life interesting! I got down like 27 beers in 90 minutes. We left. The 6 of us piled into the car. I was the only drunk one. My cousin’s girlfriend was driving. Her friend between us. My cousin, the other girl and the douchebag were in the back. The douchebag started to say shit to me. I warned him. My cousin then warned him. My cousin’s girlfriend then warned him. He kept on running his mouth. We all knew what was going to happen next. As we drove through a tunnel I lunged half way over the backseat and started to strangle him. I latched on with a kung-fu death grip! My cousin’s girlfriend was all over the road in the tunnel. Her friends and my cousin tried to pull me off him to no avail. Finally we got out of the tunnel. She pulled over. My cousin ran out and grabbed my feet to pull me out of the car. Just in time too. He was on his last breath. Good times. Last time I ever tried to drink a whole keg by myself.

7. Removed pothole signs and caused a lot of damage
I had a job in college where I designed all different types of signs. One night, myself, my buddy, my cousin and his girlfriend got smashed. The 4 of us couldn’t find anything to do so we played Asshole. With a giant bottle of SoCo. We played like 5 hands and got absolutely smashed! We went for a walk around school looking for some shit to get into. We walked by a bunch of signs in the road and we started to throw them over the fence. Just because. A few minutes later we heard a slam. Then another. And another. A hubcap rolled by us. We turned around and 8 cars had flat tires. Turns out those signs were there to warn drivers about the giant construction holes in the road. Better yet, turned out that I made those same signs earlier that day in work. D’oh!

6. Took baseball bat to buddy’s car
Every year my buddy would throw parties at his house when his parents went on vacation in the Summer. One night I got absolutely hammered and backed out of the driveway into my other buddy’s car like 6 times in a row. I laughed. Hey I was drunk. And we both drove shit boxes. The next day my buddy decided to get back at me and gently backed into my shit box with his shit box for some innocent playful payback. I didn’t appreciate that. So as all of our friends watched, I got out of my car, looked at my car, there was no damage but the fact that he had the balls to do that drove me insane. I went to my trunk and got my trusty baseball bat. I chased him. He ran into his car. Locked the door. So I baseball batted the shit out of his car. He struggled to start his car up. Finally he did. As he sped away I threw the baseball bat at his car. I missed and it slammed off a parked car. The neighbor’s parked car. Who had just saw what had transpired and didn’t say a word to any of us out of shock and fear for her life.

5. Unintentionally threatened old lady with “The Club”
I commuted to college. I would park my car on a side street near the train station and take the train into school in downtown Boston. I came home from class one day and found a giant note on my windshield. It said, “Stop fucking parking your car here in front of my house every day. I’ll kick your ass.” I looked at the house I was parked in front of. Read the note again. Crumpled it up. Dropped my book bag. Took “The Club” off of my steering wheel and used it to knock on the door of the house. An old lady answered. “Yes. Can I help you?” she said. I said “Who left this note on my car?” She said “What note?” I said “The one threatening me. Was it your son?! Do you have a son???” She said “Yes. But he’s not home.” She was scared. I said “Well I’m going to kill him when he comes home.” I held my red “Club” up to the door to let her know I meant business. And nodded. She slammed the door while saying “Oh Jesus. I’m calling the cops!” I didn’t want to deal with the po-po so I left but planned on coming back for my revenge. I went home and called my cousin and told him the story. He laughed his ass off. More than usual after I told him one of my asshole moments. I said “What’s so funny? Somebody’s gonna die.” He said “T. I left the note on your car!” Son of a bitch. That poor old lady.

4. Provoked my boss to the point where he tried to assassinate me
When I was 15 I had a Summer job where I got paid shit money to clean up our neighborhood of East Boston. My cousin was 13 and he and I managed to get onto the same crew. We hated it. We hated the other kids we worked with. They hated us. We mostly hated our boss though. He was an alcoholic and my cousin and I fucked with him every day. He tried telling us what to do but we never listened. So one day he had enough. He made us get into his car and dropped us off by ourselves away from the rest of the crew. He handed us some weed whackers and rakes and threw some garbage bags into the middle of the street next to us and told us to clean the backyard of a crack house. He pointed to the middle of the street and said “Don’t move. Stand right here. In the street. I’ll be right back.” He drove away. Confused, my cousin and I looked at each other. Dropped the tools in the street. I said “Fuck him. We ain’t doing shit.” My cousin laughed and we walked to the curb and took a much needed break. As soon as we did that, a car zipped up the one way street and another car zipped down it. The two of them collided head on where we were told to stand! The two drivers looked at us and sped away. Leaving metal debris, gas, oil and shit everywhere. We couldn’t believe what just happened! My cousin goes “Holy shit! What the fuck just happened?!” I said “I’ll tell you what happened! Our fucking asshole boss just tried to have us killed!!! That was a hit gone bad!” Then our boss pulled up. He said “What happened here?” I said “You know what happened motherfucker. You tried to kill us. I’m onto you, you son of a bitch.” He looked at me and said “Clean up this mess.” And drove away. My cousin and I picked up one of the car bumper’s and threw it through the crack house window. Then hurled the tools. Then we went home for the day and split a sub. Like it was just another normal day for us.

3. Totaled my car on a rampage filled night
Long story short. I was 18. I packed my car with my buddies. We drove to the mall. Got drunk outside of the mall. Fought security guards inside of the mall. And outside of the mall. Got questioned by the police. We then went to the high school dance of some chick I was kicking it to and my cousin started waiving a gun out the car window as we did donuts in the parking lot. My other buddy was doing donuts as well. I cut him off. He crashed into a snow bank. We laughed. We went to Papa Gino’s. My buddy rapped Wu-Tang on the “Table 9, your pizza is ready” microphone at the front counter. We got kicked out. We went next door to Friendly’s. The girl working alone had to pee. We told her we’d watch the place. We stole all 25 of the “Happy Birthday” ice cream cakes out of the freezer while she peed. We went back to the car. Threw the cakes at every single person and thing we saw on the highway. Then as we headed back home to East Boston, we saw a kid we didn’t like walking alone. All of our heads were turned watching him as we contemplated killing him. SMASH!!! A lady blew a stop sign and crashed into us! My shit box car was totaled. We got out of the car like a pack of hyenas and jumped onto her hood. We didn’t know there was a lady inside. We calmed down once we saw her crying. Another guy got out of his car and yelled at us. We went after him like maniacs. He left. The cops came. We hid the weapons. The cakes. The booze. We were all actually injured but we didn’t want any problems with the law on paper, because we were asshole punks and some of us weren’t supposed to be there. A cop wanted to drive my car to get it off the road. NOBODY drove my car but me. So I drove it a half mile home. Totaled. And wounded. What a night.

2. Left a family for dead to go eat a sandwich
I worked my ass off in college. I went to school full time. I paid bills around the house. Finally had a nice car at this point. Everything I had, I paid for on my own. I worked like 3 jobs. I stayed busy yo. It was finals. I had just taken my last final. Classes were done. All I wanted to do was get back to East Boston and get a delicious chicken parm sub from Sonny Noto’s, eat, then sleep. I got my sub and started to head back to my car. As I hit my car alarm to unlock the door, a car came flying down the street, hit a parked car, flipped over and landed upside down on the other side of the street on the sidewalk. I couldn’t believe what I just saw. It was the middle of the day. Nobody was around. I ran up to the car holding my chicken parm sub. There were four people in the car. No blood that I could see. The car wasn’t on fire or anything. I couldn’t smell gas. These are signs movies taught me to look for! But the people in the car couldn’t get out. They looked at me. I looked at them. I looked at my sub. They were yelling in Spanish. The woman yelled “Meester meester!”. I looked at my sub again. “Meester meester!!!” I knew that if I helped, I would never get out of there to eat my hot sub. The police, ambulances, fire trucks and news people would’ve blocked me in. I would’ve had to answer questions and shit. Would’ve been there for friggin’ hours! I thought about all this. Fuck that! I had no desire to be Superman that day. I wanted to be a hungry, tired college kid. I looked at them and said, “Look. I know you don’t understand me. But I’m hungry! And I’m tired. I have to go. You’ll be ok. I can hear the sirens now. I have to go. I want to eat my sub. Ok?” I held up the sub and showed it to them and gave them a thumbs up. They all looked at me. Confused. They watched me run to my car. I got in and as I pulled out, I rolled down my window and pointed down the street to let them know help was almost there. I gave them one more thumbs up. And a reassuring wink and a comforting smile. Then peeled the fuck out! I went home and ate my sub. Then I took a nice long nap. My mother later came home and said “Did you hear about that big car accident on Bennington street today?” I said, “Yeah. I was there. The whole thing happened right in front of me. I could’ve rescued some people. But I ate my sub instead.” My mother wasn’t shocked. At all.

1. Killed an old man
Technically, there isn’t any real evidence that I killed him. Per say. But when I was in college I had a great job working for a rent a car company. I got paid good money to drive new cars all day all over Boston and out-of-state. I was in a union and worked with a bunch of different guys. Some weird as hell. Mostly degenerates. And a lot of old guys. I used to bust everybody’s balls there. I mean to the point where management would have to step in. I was a real fucker. I busted one old guy’s balls so much that he died. Seriously. I busted his balls to death!!! His name was Angelo. He didn’t like my ball busting. So I would bust his balls even more. Then he told on me. I was mad. So I said to Angelo “You have no fucking sense of humor. You are a miserable old bastard. I hope you die.” The next day I came into work and was told Angelo had done just that. He died. My stomach dropped. I told an old man to die. And he actually died. That was assholeness at it’s most assholeness. I never ever told anybody to die again. That’s why this is #1. RIP Angelo. I hope you found a sense of humor in heaven. Or hell. ZING!

My asshole era. Did it. Learned from it. Made me a better man. My asshole era.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T