T-pisode 91: Uncle T

I’m a lot of things. There are a lot of things I’m good at. Some things I’m not good at. Some things I like being. Some things I don’t like being. But there’s one thing I like being. And I must say, I’m pretty good at it. And that’s being an uncle. I’m an uncle to 6 kids. 4 girls. 2 boys. From the ages of 1 through 12. And I’m even Godfather to 3 of them! That’s right! Their parents actually think I’m capable of handling that kind of responsibility. But you know what? They’re right. I can. Because they know I’m smart enough, crazy enough and love those kids so much that I’ll do anything for them. Like what you ask? Well. Let T tell you. Here’s what I’ve learned being the coolest, most awesome uncle of all time!!!

An uncle gets to spoil the kids. And get away with it.
Unlike grandparents, we don’t get yelled at for buying their love. We can buy them the loudest, craziest toys and then just say, “That’s what Ma told me they wanted.” Haha. Blame the old people!

An uncle gets to teach the kids about all the crazy shit he thinks is cool.
Like why I refuse to put a “Welcome” mat outside my door. Because vampires can read. And that lets them in at night. To kill you. And why I have a ninja sword in my closet. To fight the ninjas. And a zombie kit. For when the shit goes down uncle is always prepared! And you know what? The kids will think it’s cool too. Or crazy. Either or.

An uncle gets to beat the kids at their own games.
I’m an UNO champion. I just may very well be the greatest UNO player on the planet. Yeah. Seriously. And every time I play my nieces? I beat their asses. Silly. What?! Let them win? Hell no! How else are they supposed to learn that life won’t be fair for them at times? This is good for them. They should thank me.

An uncle is Superman.
I work out. I have tattoos. I live in Boston. I write movies. I dress cool. I talk cool. I’m like friggin’ Superman to my nieces and nephews. And I remind them that I am constantly. And then they laugh. Hey. As long as I can make them laugh. But it’s true. A good uncle should almost seem immortal in every way possible. My nieces and nephews feel safe and are always happy when I’m around. They have no worries. I like that they are this way around me. Little kids shouldn’t have worries.

An uncle has to go to everything. EVERYTHING.
Now you all know that I’m glad I don’t have kids right? But being an uncle comes with some responsibilities. Like attending everything I am invited to when it comes to these kids. I’ve been to so many tee ball games, dance recitals, school plays, swim meets, birthday parties, pool parties, graduations, baptisms, communions…I lost count years ago! But you know what? I loved going to each and every single thing for them. Any other kids’ shit? No way. Other kids that aren’t my nieces and nephews get on my damn nerves. Actually. Their asshole parents get on my nerves.

An uncle must perform feats that no one else can perform.
I’ve gotten all of my nieces and nephews into so many bad yet awesome habits it is ridiculous! I have taught them how to do push ups with someone on their backs. How to throw punches. How to kill monsters. How to do rear naked chokes on much larger opponents. How to do ninja flips as I toss them in the air. Every time I see them I must do these things! Must teach them new shit! They won’t take “I’m tired.” or “Next time.” for an answer! An uncle must always be ready to perform and teach his nieces and nephews some crazy ass shit that their parents will be pissed at him about! I’m open to new ideas people! The crazier, the better.

An uncle must be a genius.
My nephews are both still little and not able to read yet or have homework. However, all of my nieces are. And all of them love to read. Love to be read to. Love to ask me math questions. Science questions. History questions. I have become a walking, living friggin’ Wikipedia person! I don’t know why they save this shit for me and not their parents or grandparents but I’m kind of honored. So I need to know everything about everything! Luckily, I’m also smart as hell. And I have an iPhone with Google. Which gives me access to everything! Phew.

An uncle is a gun for hire. The contract is love.
Moms nurture. Dads discipline. Grandparents give in. Uncles? We have to be cool. Smart. Funny. Entertaining. And awesome. But most importantly, we have to put the fear of God into anyone or anything that shows even the tiniest hint of danger towards his nieces and nephews. We don’t have to play by man law. We get to beat the shit out of other kids’ dads. Beat up other opposing uncles. Random people at the carnival that look like kiddie diddlers. Boys in the schoolyard that have crushes on your nieces. Bullies that bully your nephews at daycare. All of them must feel the wrath of Uncle! There is no mercy! It is the “Number One Uncle Rule”!!! Beat the living shit out of everything for the kids. I wear this uncle badge with great honor and pride.

So that’s what I’ve learned being an uncle so far. And I love it all. More importantly, I love my nieces and nephews more than anything. Those kids are my heart and without them I definitely could’ve went an entirely different way in life. And not a good way. They make me smile and making them smile is one of the best things I get do in my life. And now my oldest niece approaches teenager status. My next uncle post might just be entirely different. Oh shit.

What do you think? Do you now have a better idea of what it’s like to be an uncle? Know any uncles cooler than me? Let me know right here. On Twitter. On Facebook. Or on BuzzFeed.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T