T-pisode 97: At First Glance Physical Female Pet Peeves

We all know that the physical gets our attention when meeting strangers right? The personality comes later and then if that’s great the person becomes more attractive in our eyes. That’s just the way it goes. Don’t lie. Nobody sees somebody from across the room and wants to talk to them hoping they have a great personality. You hope for that after the fact. The connection after the first glance. But the first thing you see is a smile. You see hair. You see boobs. You see ass. You see height. You see muscles. You see skin tone. Well there are some things that if they are the first things I notice about a strange woman I will instantly not talk to that woman. I will not approach that woman. I will not smile back. I will not drink with her. They are shallow but they are truth! These things are the “at first glance physical female pet peeves”. And in my eyes I just can’t overlook them. I’m willing to look past Megan Fox’s toe thumbs. Or Mila Kunis’ different colored eyes. Those are kind of hot actually. But some things I can’t. Sorry I’m not sorry. Here they are.

Ass Face Chins
Men have ass face chins. Not chicks. It’s the indent in the middle of the chin that is so severe it looks like there is an ass on the bottom of your face. Women should not have these. They are scary. A little dent is ok. A Ben Affleck ass face chin is not. If I see your Ben Affleck ass face chin turn towards me at the bar, I will also turn at the bar and run away.

Adam’s Apple
If you are a chick with a giant bulging Adam’s Apple, I don’t care how hot you are, I will think you have a dick. I wouldn’t stand there and talk to you because I would freak you out by staring at that thing wondering if you tape your tucked schlong like that dude from Silence of the Lambs. “Put the lotion in the basket!!!”

Sausage Fingers
Some chicks struggle with underarm fat. It’s ok. You can work on that. But sausage fingers?! No way! Stay away from me. I know there isn’t a way to fix the problem, but I don’t care. Not my problem. Your knobby baby sausage fingers wrapped around a skinny martini glass stem are fucking creepy! I don’t want them near me. Stay the hell away.

Cankles
It’s not a calf. It’s not an ankle. It’s a cankle. Your leg just goes into your foot and it looks weird. It’s disturbing. Seeing that at the bottom of an attractive woman’s dress going into some sexy high heels is just heartbreaking. Devastating. Even with pants on if I already know a chick has them, I’m all set. They’re scary to guys like circus clowns are to women.

Muffin Top
Little love handles are kind of sexy. Something to hold onto. I like looking at a chick’s back especially if she has those lower back dimples and seeing slight love handles to grab onto. So hot. But a full fledged muffin top that falls over the top of your pants that I can see through your tight ass shirt?! Fucking gross! Go run. And do crunches. Don’t come back until that shit is shaped and maintained. Don’t need a six pack. But damn woman!

Extra Hair: Hairy Spine/Sideburns/Mustache/Hairy guy arms
Some women have extra hair in places. When I was 14 a hot chick in high school had a dress on that she unzipped in class for some reason. I saw a long hairy spine that went from the back of her neck down into her pants. WTF?! That bothered me severely. Ruined me for life. Thick dude sideburns? I don’t want to see them or touch them. Mustache? If you’re too lazy to get that maintained then that says a lot about the type of woman you are. I’m all set. Hairy arms? Hey I got them. But I’m an Italian man. I’m supposed to. You need to find a solution. All these hairy scenarios should be taken care of before we ever meet out in public. If you come up to me looking like Sonic the fucking Hedgehog I’m going to tell you to go catch some golden rings somewhere or some shit. Just saying.

Greasy Curly Hair
I like long thick flowing hair on a woman. That tight wet greasy drippy curly hair look that some women do makes you look like a sewer rat. It’s gross. And I don’t like it! Go dry and straighten that shit out before going to the club. Please. Brillo head.

Crazy Teeth
If your mouth looks like you chewed on a bag of rocks for 18 straight hours, I don’t want to look at you. I don’t want to know you. Stop smiling at me from the dance floor! You’re startling me. You should’ve gotten braces as a kid. And yeah you’ll look like a damn fool with braces as a grown woman. But who’s fault is that? Maybe yours. Maybe your parents. Maybe your shitty insurance provider. But definitely not mine. I know a good dentist. Go get some posts and crowns for the next guy. You’re already tarnished for me though. With your crazy ass teeth looking all crazy.

Smokes
I don’t care how hot you are. How awesome you are. If the first thing I see is you smoking I can’t have anything to do with you. The smell. The taste. Nasty. Doesn’t matter if you only smoke when you drink. Or when you’re stressed. I don’t care. I lost a lot of people in my life to cancer. I’m not liking some chick who is going to croak from it eventually too. Nip that shit in the butt by not getting involved with you to begin with. No apologies from me. You smoke? Beat it. Go play in the canoe you got from collecting all those Marlboro Miles with some douchebag who smokes too. Then die together in a forest fire. You should’ve listened to Smokey the Bear stupid.

Those are my “at first glance physical female pet peeves”! Yeah they’re not nice. But they’re truth. And that’s how I roll. You know you do the same thing. Don’t lie.

Do you have any “at a glance physical pet peeves”? Would love to hear them! From both my male and female readers. Be honest. Share them here or on Facebook, Twitter or Buzzfeed.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T