T-pisode 2: Festivus

Festivus. My favorite holiday of them all! It was created by the father of a writer on “Seinfeld” and made popular on the show years ago and I along with hundreds of other people (“Seinfeld” fans, Wikipedia users) have been celebrating it ever since. It happens on December 23. Two days before Christmas. It’s tagline is “Festivus for the rest of us.” It’s purpose is to have a holiday for the people who refuse to get caught up in the insanity of the other holidays during this time of the year. And it’s traditions are unmatched.

What are the traditions of Festivus? Well there is the “Festivus Pole” instead of a tree. A plain pole without any decoration. Mine is rested in the corner of my living room. There are the “Feats of Strength” where the party isn’t over until the head of the household is pinned to the ground. There are “Festivus Miracles”. Like Megan Fox lying under my “Festivus Pole” wearing nothing but mittens when I wake up Festivus morning. And then there is my favorite tradition of them all. The “Airing of Grievances”! This is the part where you get to tell everybody how they have disappointed you over the past year. Time for my grievances. And my list is long.

Here is my list of people who have disappointed me this past year:

Tom Brady
Not because you are not playing like the old Tom Brady. You’re still doing well considering you missed a whole season with an injury. No. My grievance is because you are moving out of my neighborhood and I can no longer tell hot chicks I live near Tom Brady. You’re messing my game up man. My “Tom Brady is my neighbor” line is dead. RIP.

The Red Sox
You guys let me down this year. Plain & simple. Get back on the juice David Ortiz! I feel every player should be on steroids. I paid $100 for this ticket, I want home runs! Now Yankees fans have another World Series to brag about all year while us Sox fans are left pulling our collective pud. Good job ’09 Red Sox!

President Obama
My grievance isn’t with the bad things you have done your first year in office because you haven’t done anything bad. In fact, you haven’t done anything at all! Dude, do something besides talk shows, All-Star games & drinking beer on tv. Remember all the idiots celebrating when you won the election? They’ve been almost as quiet as you. I voted for you. So I guess I have a grievance with myself too. More on that later.

Every girl under the age of 24
You have made me come to terms with my own mortality this year. Not because I’m getting older and can’t get you hot young chicks anymore. I can, but I just can’t take you anymore! Yes you look hot with your tight bodies and even tighter dresses, but shit you are stupid! Don’t talk. Just dance honey.

The Jersey Shore
My beef isn’t with you idiotic, Italian stereotyping meat heads and sluts. No. It’s with the fact that I vowed to never watch unscripted, shitty reality shows and this show has me watching! I’m addicted to the insanity that is Snookie, Jwoww & The Situation. I find myself saying “That’s the situation” every 5 minutes now. At the gym. On dates. After I go to the bathroom. It’s ridiculous.

Entourage
Wow. How the mighty have fallen. This show has nowhere left to go. When the show spends the entire last season focusing on Turtle crying over Meadow “I can’t parallel park” Soprano and E stalking his ex, it’s time to end the show. Time to watch Sons of Anarchy instead!

Hollywood
We were inundated with a flood of remakes, reboots, sequels & comic book movies in 2009. Nothing new and that is why Hollywood is killing itself. Paramount had to bailout Dreamworks. The “Terminator” film rights can be bought for $25 million by you. The Weinstein Company is on life support. Hollywood East lost it’s funding. MGM just closed shop and was sold off in pieces. What’s next? Hollywood, you have my number. Use it. I shall save you!

Comedy movies filmed in Boston
I’m all about movies being filmed in Boston! But the comedies filmed here have been nothing but horrible! Paul Blart?! The Proposal?! Ghosts of Girlfriends Past?! Bride Wars?! Now the rest of the country thinks Boston is unfunny. That bothers me. Because we are so funny. The way we talk. The way we look. We are funny!

Megan Fox
In my eyes you were perfect. So perfect I even blocked out your horrible acting abilities. Then I a saw a photo of your big toe thumbs. I was 8 years old again and looking at the gifts from Santa Claus with the price tags my mother left on them. I found out there was no Santa Claus. And now I know there is no such thing as perfection. I was so jaded.

The economy
You sucked in 2009. Everybody hates you. Get your shit together bro!

People who are against Facebook
I don’t like you people. You say stupid things like “Why would I go on Facebook?” And “I don’t need everybody knowing my business.” Then ask me questions like “What have you been up to?” “Where are you working?” “Who is this hot girl I’m hearing about?” In which I say, “If you were on Facebook, you would know all this already. Stupid.”

People who are “too” Facebook
You people are worse than those who refuse to go on Facebook. I don’t need to know about you going to take a shit right now. I don’t need to see your 80,000 photos. I don’t want to know about your miserable relationship and why it’s complicated. And I certainly don’t want to see your quotes from famous dead people. Come up with something original, useful & funny for your own damn status update! Keep the boring, the sadness, the stupid & your hatred to a Facebook minimum and spare us all.

People who do not give me credit
Whether I created it myself or I’m the first one to post it or send it to you and bring it to your attention then you better mention my name and give me credit every single time you make it your update, your tweet, your post, your text, your email or bring it up in conversation with somebody else you unoriginal, plagiarizing son of a bitch bastard!!!

Myself
My grievance with you T is…..well, none. You’re awesome. Keep up the good work kid. Everybody should be their own number one fan like you. You’ll never lack motivation. And you’ll always be loved. Awwww.

Happy Festivus!!!!

Until next time. Always take it there.

T