T-pisode 3: My 2009 Facebook Status Collection

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I mentioned in my first blog post that I utilize social media sites multiple times daily. Especially with my iPhone. I’m always updating, posting & commenting on Facebook. Just letting the world know the dilio yo. Many of my friends say that my updates are funny. Insane. Informative. Offensive. But mostly that they entertain them throughout the day. Mission accomplished! So for this blog I put together a collection of some of my most crazy, most funny, most random and most entertaining Facebook status updates of 2009. They also turn into a pretty cool timeline of the past year’s events as well. Keep an eye out for updates mentioning the year’s major news stories about pop culture, sports, deaths, politics & social media from December backwards to January 2009.


Thanks to modern technology, I now know where Santa is. I’m going to wait in this alley, jack his ass, steal the sack, bring the sleigh to a chop shop in Chelsea, choke out an elf & peace out. Payback for the 1986 naughty list bitch.

Pouring some out for Brittany Murphy yo. RIP.

Snow?! Oh quick I better run out and buy all the bread, milk, canned goods, shovels & candles I can get my hands on!!! Because the stores will be closed forever and the 6 inches of snow will never disappear! Shut up. Drink, watch a flick, bang, go to sleep. Everything will still be there tomorrow. Some people are so stupid.

I hope more people from the Jersey Shore get punched in the face.

It’s colder outside than it is inside Tiger Woods’ Florida mansion right now. Yeah I said it!

Just saw Junior Seau at the gym. Was going to give him the “Dude what the hell?!” due to the Pats shitty performance. But then I saw the hot girl he was with. So I hi fived him instead.

Just saw a chick on Newbury wearing only jellybeans and a wasp nest with an orange traffic cone and sunglasses on her head. Then I realized Lady GaGa was in town. She looked good. I guess.

Somebody just sent me a pic of a cute little girl with the text “Love ya!” Ok. I don’t recognize the number or the kid. Shit what if it’s mine???

Can’t wait to see all those “Why can’t I find my Edward?” updates again now that another Twilight movie is out. Nothing more disturbing than grown ass women admitting to the world about how they want a fictional teenage sparkly vampire character to love and comfort them. All I say is, hey at least Megan Fox is a real person! You need therapy. I’ll see you there.

If Facebook disappeared today I wonder if people would either call up or text everybody they knew every 2 minutes just to let them all know what they were doing at that very moment due to their addiction. There should be a support group for Update Addicts.

What? Am I supposed to congratulate the Yankees on their store bought championship??? I don’t think so. And I feel bad for any Yankees fans who agree with that team’s “stack the deck” mentality. All this world series win proves is that major league baseball needs to finally implement a salary cap. No more all star line ups in baseball. Go Boston!!!

Why the hell is facebook telling me to poke and write on people’s walls now??? Mind your business kid.

YouTube+Twitter+Facebook=You Twit Face!

Today is my favorite day of the year…..Costume Walk of Shame Day! The streets of Boston are full of the colorful costumed walking shamed. It’s beautiful. I bet you can’t wait until next year!

Watching the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown I can’t help but think that Lucy always putting the football out there then pulling it away from poor Charlie Brown is a metaphor about how women have the power to put sex out there and take it away from us men! Charles Schulz must’ve had a hot but miserable wife.

There’s something about Friday. You’re happy. You think different. You act different. There’s the allure that anything can happen. You’re ready to drink, laugh, party your ass off! Show the world what’s up! Then you wake up. And it’s Saturday. And you promise yourself you’re never doing that again. Until Monday. When the Friday countdown starts again. It’s an endless cycle of debauchery really. But that’s Friday. And that’s why we love it.

Everybody wants a dislike button. Not me man. I want an FU button. So I can see a post or picture and be like FU! What do you think of that?!

Inspired by Kanye’s meltdown, every time I see some dude hit on a woman when I’m out this weekend, I’m going to jump in and say “I’m really happy for you and Imma let you finish. But I got the greatest pickup line of all time!!!”

Oh wowwww!!!! It’s 9/9/09!!! And this means absolutely nothing to anybody really. Shut up.

Finally replaced the leather jacket lost in the Great Albanian Mafia Wars of Poughkeepsie 07!!!

I think I’ve blocked every stupid mafia, vampire, drinks, hearts, soulmate, quiz, zoo, bejeweled, astrological, secret, games, polls Facebook application on here. Take them and shove them up your ass! I’m just kidding. But not really. But seriously, you can stop now.

Do people really eat pasta from Pizza Hut??? Really?! I refuse to eat pizza from that place let alone pasta! Real Italians eat at the Olive Garden! That’s where we take all our cousins named Vincenzo visiting from Italy! Just like the commercial says! Everybody knows this! Side note: Stereotypes are awesome!

Barely alive. Good bday.

To go out or not to go out? I’m conflicted like a virgin on prom night!

I’m going to put out a book with a collection of peoples’ Facebook status updates. “Facebook Status: The Normal, The Strange, The Drama, The Drunk, The Horny and The Attention Wanters & Getters.” And man I tell ya it’ll be a best seller!

The question isn’t “what are we going to do,” the question is “what aren’t we going to do?”-Ferris Bueller: Written by John Hughes, RIP

Just found out my nuts are 95 degrees but if they go below 28 degrees they’ll break off. Very interesting.

Not sticking middle fingers up in pictures since 2003!

What happened??? Ugh.

I’m on a boat!

Uncle Jesse rules! Too bad the Olsen twins weren’t there! Would have convinced them to break me off a couple million to make one of my flicks. Then I would’ve taken the hot one home.

Really likes the crazy hot girl at the office that won’t get in the elevator if there are more than 3 people in it! I tell her it’s ok and she’s always like “I can’t….I just can’t”. So she just waits and waits in the morning and night! I laugh.

Just saw a lady open up and then pour the water out from a Poland Springs bottle into her SIGG bottle. I think the concept is over her head.

I ran some numbers and most women on facebook have 76.2% of themselves in the mirror pics; 82.3% with an ex/ex friend cropped out; 89.7% with their arm bent hand on hip; and a staggering 94.8% of how they used to look pics.

If MJ pops out of that casket and starts doing Thriller I’m gonna shit!

In memoriam of Michael Jackson’s funeral today, I am going to repeatedly moonwalk across everybody’s desk at work while grabbing my crotch and yelling “Heeheehee” & “Shamone” and ask everybody who’s bad? And nobody better try to stop me!

Is tired today. And hey cheer up everybody, at least we still have Prince!

Rainwatch 2009: Day 1137…..the ark is almost finished. I got 2 of everything. Taking applications for a hot chick.

Doesn’t anybody still respect the Bro Code?! Some shit is unwritten but understood man!

Is working on pitching a sequel to Tarantino….Kill Bill 3: Bill’s Will. I wrote that. You steal it, I sue.

Short skirts and nice legs…greatest combo since peanut butter & jelly.

Chilling with David Spade and some hotties on Newbury street.

I gave in and I’m pitching a reality show: “So You Think You’re Really Not a Douchebag or a Slampig? Really?” Watch the money come in!!!!

Is perplexed by the amount of people who think they’re rock stars. You work at Starbucks or in the mall; still live at home or with 8 roommates; driving your moms car; wearing a shirt your dads money got you. Rock star? Hardly.

Is listening to the little devil on his shoulder cause the little angel is an asshole.

Is putting the F U in FUN!!!!

Thinks Facebook needs to stop giving me suggestions on who I should be friends with and things I should be a fan of. I suggest they become a fan of minding their own business and a friend of shutting the hell up!

Rim graze….tuck rule…whatever…a win’s a win! That’s what we do! Win, bang supermodels and push little kids down to the ground! Boston! Go Sox for another Boston sweep!

Can’t wait for my trip to Cabo! I’m only going just so I can get a “I Went to Mexico and All I Got was the Swine Flu” t-shirt! (Wrote that one too! You steal it I sue!)

It’s so great out this morning, I want to have sex with it.

Hasn’t seen a steal home like that since Benny The Jet Rodriguez in The Sandlot!!!!

What the hell am I doing in the office today??? What day is it??? I feel like I died.

Is ready to get his Patriots Day partying on! I apologize in advance for any chaos and drunk texting! Good luck to all the runners, may your race be poop free and clean!

Phewww…..I’m glad I stopped being a craigslist hooker!!!!

Ehh, she’s not my type. I like ’em… I dunno, kinda dirty or something.

Is devastated. Megan Fox has Big Toes for Thumbs. I’m all messed up right now.

Is laughing at the dudes that immediately post on a hot chicks updates on here! Same guys that form circles around them and stare at them in the clubs!!! Haha!

Is anybody else creeped out by the Quiznos commercial with the talking oven and the Quiznos worker who burnt himself having sex with it???

Loves the look on the lunch lady’s face when she has to break a twenty! I’ll teach her! heh heh

Remember kids…green beer=green poop. I’m just saying.

Happy St. Patty’s Day to all my Irish friends! I’ll be watching the Godfather, eating pasta and swearing excessively.

Happy Steak & BJ Day!!! I got the steak….the day is still young…

I love Australia!-The frantic kangaroo bounced into the bedroom of his 10-year-old son who screamed, “There’s a ‘roo in my room!”

Is writing more scripts than Octo Mom gots babies!!!!

Thinks a lot of girls need to get off that pedestal. You’re not a princess honey. Besides, Prince Charming already banged your 3 step sisters. Realize this…

Is partying with Dan Akroyd.

Valentines-an annoying Hallmark fabricated holiday when you’re single, good lovin’ when you’re not. Win-win or lose-lose? Screw it, I’m just gonna party!

Laughs when coffee drinking, glasses wearing koala bears get punched in the face.

Is on crazy drugs for his bronchitis. Oh man I’m so hiiiiiigh with Mr. Towlie!

Is wait….what?!

Thinks that if I have to pay almost 16 bucks for a 4 pack razor refill I should at least get a complimentary reach around from the cashier no?!

Can’t believe she used my own line on me.

Booyah!!! You like that?!

Worst President Ever says “I don’t know if you want to call those mistakes or not, but they were — things didn’t go according to plan, let’s put it that way”.-George W. Bush

Here’s to more entertaining updates in 2010! Happy New Year!!!!

Until next time. Always take it there.