T-pisode 10: I Don’t Have Kids

I don’t have kids. Not that I know of! Ha! That joke never gets old. My mother still doesn’t like that joke. I’m at that age where everybody around me is making babies. They’re making babies. I’m making awesomeness! They’re trying to raise kids. I’m trying to raise my income. They’re making appointments with daycares, I’m making appointments with movie studios. They’re…..you get the point. Now this isn’t another married versus single life debate. No. This is about what YOUR kids mean to you, they usually don’t mean the same to everybody else. Especially me. Don’t get my wrong, I love my nieces and nephew! Because they’re smart, funny, cute and think I’m the coolest. But the bonus is, is that I can leave after playing with them for a few hours and go about my awesome life as usual while their parents can’t. Parents have the responsibility of everything that comes with having children. Nobody else does. Not us single folk. Nor do other children’s parents. And parents are nuts when it comes to their own kids.

Case in point. Ugly babies. Parents are blind to their baby’s ugliness. Everybody else knows baby Joey is funny looking. I have no desire to hold a little ugly mongoloid that is going to piss, shit and puke on me. I’m all set. Call me in a couple of years when the kid grows into his oddly shaped head, bug eyes, can put a sentence together and toss a football around with me. Kids are pretty much useless the first 3 years. And stop sending me baby pics! I don’t send you the nude pics that some young hottie sent me! Have some consideration. The baby looks like a hairy blob. And for every kid Christmas card photo you send me, I’m sending you back a “Look what I did while drunk in Vegas” photo! And why the hell do I get invited to kid birthday parties?! I’m more than happy to give a gift but what am I supposed to do there? I can’t play pin the tail on the donkey. It’s at my knees. What, hit the piñata? One whack the game’s over. Kiddies crying everywhere. Cake? Ice cream? No thanks. Single people can still take care of themselves and go to the gym whenever we want. Just give me that milf’s name over there and keep an eye out for daddy and I’m good.

Parents also think that their own kids are the most talented, athletic and brightest kids ever made. You’re shitting me right??? A cousin of mine once told me that her 2 year-old son is so bright that he’s going to be a surgeon. I just saw this kid trying to repeatedly jam the wooden square into the star hole 5 minutes earlier. I thought surgeons had to have great hands and be precise. He’s no surgeon! Your daughter isn’t the best dancer up there either chief. She sat there the whole time while all the other kids danced only to quickly get up at the end and stage dive head first into people who she thought were her parents! Ever go to a kid’s baseball game? 3 hours of kids trying to hit a ball that never gets past the pitcher. And they don’t call strikes or keep score! That’s a display of great athleticism? I think not. Look, I’m sure I’ll be one of those blind, unconditionally loves my ugly talent-less children parent types one day. But in the meantime, have some consideration my parental friends and remember, I don’t have kids.

Until next time. Always take it there.