After going to thousands of games in my lifetime, I’ve come across every type of dude wearing every type of game gear to a game. Some try too hard. Some don’t even try at all. There are rules to how you rock your clothes while sitting in the stands cheering on your favorite team. Just like how hot chicks shouldn’t rock the pink gear and just dress a happy, sexy medium. We have rules to follow to. Or else you look like a douche. Here are my “Game Gear Rules”.
Yeah guy we get it. You just came straight from work. But how hard is it to bring a change of clothes to the office? Or at least lose the tie and jacket. Only the coaches are allowed to rock the full suit. And you’re no coach. You’re barely a fan with that suit on.
Blue Button up Shirt with Khakis and Team Hat Guy
This look is played out at the office. So it sure as hell looks stupid at the ballpark. Throwing the team’s hat on doesn’t help the situation either chief.
Jean Shorts Guy
It’s no longer the grunge era. You’re not in Seattle. No man should ever wear jean shorts. Ever.
Team That Isn’t Even Playing Hat Guy
Never fails. No matter how many times I go to a game, there’s always some guy wearing the hat of a team that isn’t even there playing. Dude, you’re at a Sox/Yankees game! Lose the Detroit Tigers hat! I don’t give a shit if you’re from Detroit. The Tigers aren’t here! Clown.
Signed Jersey Guy
Really? Really? Are you 12 years old dude? Really? Half the signatures on your jersey are from bench guys and you smell because you won’t wash it in fear of washing off those signatures. Lose the signed jersey.
Polo Shirt and Visor Guy
You’re at Fenway Park! Not Pebble Beach! Put on a B hat bro!!!
Just a Hat with Whatever Guy
This is totally fine attire. Just rock the hat of the team you’re representing. No judgment here. As long as it ain’t pink.
Past Championship T-Shirt Guy
Every time I’m in the Boston Garden at a Celtics game I always see at least one guy wearing the 1986 Championship t-shirt from 1986. Come on man! Buy yourself a current team t-shirt for 20 bucks will you?! Even the 2008 championship t-shirt is acceptable! You look like a scrub.
Too Many Pieces of Team Clothing Guy
A team hat with a team shirt is fine. A team hat with a team jacket is fine. A team hat, team shirt and team jacket together is not cool! The most team attire you are allowed to wear without looking like an asshole is 2 pieces! Two that’s it!!! “Utah, get me two!”
You’re outside at Fenway or Gillette. Inclement weather is a part of the game. Just man up, drink and get wet! You’re a man! Act like one. Wearing a clear piece of plastic with a hood automatically chops off your balls. For real.
You’re even worse than Poncho guy. I want to beat you with that umbrella.
Sunglasses and Hat Guy
Excuse me. Are you about to go play centerfield? No? Then take off those stupid sunglasses! That’s what the hat is for. Dope.
Beer Helmet Guy
I still see this guy at Patriots games. And even more at Bruins games. You’re not cool. It was never cool. You belong on the short bus.
It’s ok for your girl to be under the blanket in late January in Gillette Stadium. Not you. You get a fleece pullover, a knit hat and a beer glove to fight the weather. That’s it. No excuses. Play like a champion.
No Shirt Guy
I don’t care if you’re shredded or fat as a house. ALWAYS KEEP YOUR SHIRT ON! You are the biggest douche in the stands.
Body Paint Guy
I stand corrected. YOU ARE THE BIGGEST DOUCHE IN HERE!!!
Funny Hat/Wig So I Can Get on the Jumbotron Dancing Guy
Drunk or sober. It’s not funny. You crave attention and really want to be on that jumbotron. You know how real men get on the jumbotron? You have a smoking hot girl with you as your date and the cameraman is hating on you for having a girl like that. He zooms in on you two sitting. She smiles. You put your arm around her and wink cause you’re the shit right now. This is the only way a real man should ever get on the jumbotron. Case closed. Now stop dancing and sit down son.
So there you have it. The next time you’re going to the game and thinking about how you want to express your team spirit, just take a look at this list before you leave the house. But more importantly, take a look at yourself in the mirror first dude. If you think you look like a douche, the rest of us will too.
Until next time. Always take it there.