There are a bunch of Boston stereotypes out there about my city and it’s people. Some good. Some bad. Some just stupid. But let’s get one thing straight right here right now on this blog. These are Boston stereotypes! Not yours! Each city has their own so don’t try to mess with our stereotypes without knowing what they are because you will have to pay the consequences. I’m listing these stereotypes and will confirm whether they are true or false and then place them under “Boston Law” and what the proper punishment for each is if you break these laws. They are the following.
People from Boston do not say wicked! That’s BOSTON and the neighborhoods that make up the city of Boston. People from western Mass? Some do. Cape Cod? Some do. New Hampshire? Yes. But that’s an entirely different state moron. Ask anybody who says wicked where they were born and raised. I guarantee they weren’t raised in a Boston neighborhood! Posers trying to make you think that they grew up in Boston say wicked in a way that sounds faker than Matt Damon’s accent in The Departed. They’re trying too hard. People born & raised in the CITY of BOSTON DO NOT SAY WICKED!!! Case closed. This is false. This is now Boston Law. Under the law, posers, people from other Mass cities suffering from Boston envy & out of staters heard saying that all Bostonians say wicked will get kicked in the ass by each member of both New Kids on the Block and New Edition.
“Pahk the cah in Hahvahd yahd”
Do we speak fast in Boston? Abso-fucking-lutely! Why? Because we need to get our point across as soon as possible and we all got shit to do! Do we not say our Rs? Most of the time. The educated, the sober and those who try to sound human will pronounce their Rs. Do any of us ever say that fucking stupid park the car shit at Harvard?! NO!!! And we really hate it when non-Bostonians say it to us as soon as they hear us speak. This is false. This is now Boston Law. Under the law, posers, people from other Mass cities suffering from Boston envy & out of staters heard saying Pahk the cah in Hahvahd yahd get stabbed by Whitey Bulger if they ever find him.
“We All Run on Dunkin”
Your sister’s ass runs on Dunkin kid. Haha. I’m kidding. But it probably does. I’m not a coffee drinker. And I would hardly ever eat a doughnut. But the people of Boston need Dunkin’ Donuts. Case in point. Take anybody from Boston out of the city for more than 5 minutes and you’ll immediately hear “I need a coffee. Is there a Dunkins around here?” Or ask anyone of us for directions around Boston and 9 out of 10 times you will get them with a “And you’ll see a Dunkins on your left” or “Turn at the Dunkins” or “If you see Dunkins you went too far”. This is True. This is now Boston Law. Under the law, posers, people from other Mass cities suffering from Boston envy & out of staters seen going into a Starbucks that’s right next door to a Dunkin’ Donuts get their tires slashed faster than they would if they stole somebody’s shoveled out parking spot saved with a lawn chair in Eastie in the winter.
“Worst Sports Fans”
No we’re not. We’re at times too loyal, drunken, obsessive ignorant sports fans living in a delusional world where we have the best sports teams and our athletes are gods. But it’s our world and we like it! Besides, name another city that can go pound for pound where all of their major sports teams have done what our teams have done? You can’t! We only have 1 team in each of the 4 major sports. Think about that Cali & NY. And until you’ve been to a game in New York or Philly and have seen their fans in action, you cannot give us the worst fans title. This is false. This is now Boston Law. Under the law, posers, people from other Mass cities suffering from Boston envy & out of staters bad mouthing Boston fans have to go to any Boston bar sober and listen to an old-timer drunk off his ass tell you all of his Ted Williams, Larry Bird & Bobby Orr sports stories until he passes out.
Here’s my Masshole theory: Some out-of-state dickhead years ago got a ticket for speeding on the Pike from a statie and decided to call everybody here Massholes. Which is an obvious play on assholes. So fucking original. Oh you genius you! Then other out of staters embraced it. Then even some people living in Mass embraced it. Which is even worse! Fuck you all. This is stupid as shit. This just doesn’t shit on Boston, it shits on the whole state. I honestly can’t think of any other state that has a stupid derogatory nickname like this. I’m not a Masshole. I’m a grown man who rather say asshole. You asshole. This is not even worth being governed under Boston Law. Next.
“We’re all Irish and named Sully”
South Boston used to be full of Irish. The North End used to be full of Italians. Now both neighborhoods are full of white-collar, young, rich yuppies. There are no longer 100,000 dudes running around the streets of Boston with the last name Sullivan so you have to call them Sully anymore. Shit. I only know like 4 Irish people now. Like Irish on both sides. Challenge me on this. Go find 5 dudes still called Sully because their last name is really Sullivan. And not those poser kids still rocking scully caps, claddagh rings & Celtics jerseys. Because those dudes are mixed mutts just stuck with an Irish last name. That isn’t even Sullivan. This is false. This is now Boston Law. Under the law, posers, people from other Mass cities suffering from Boston envy & out of staters under the age of 30 insisting people call them Sully have to watch The Departed, Good Will Hunting, Southie & Boondock Saints on a constant loop for days on end until their eyes bleed and they cry and stop pretending to be Irish.
“Everybody knows Ben, Matt & Mark”
Bullshit. You don’t know any of them. Your cousin didn’t go to the prom with Matt. Your boy didn’t blow lines with Ben in a stall at Whiskey Park. You didn’t appear in that Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch video when you were in the seventh grade. Shut the fuck up. Now Ben, Matt and Mark come here to shoot a movie, go to a Sox/Celtics game and leave town fast. That’s it. Seeing them film a movie at Copley doesn’t mean you know them. This is false. This is now Boston Law. Under the law, posers, people from other Mass cities suffering from Boston envy & out of staters claiming to know these dudes get beaten with a sack of apples while being repeatedly asked “Do you like apples?!” and “What’s the matter smartass, you don’t know any fuckin’ Shakespeare?!”
“We Like to Fight”
Yes. This is true. This is now Boston Law. Under the law, posers, people from other Mass cities suffering from Boston envy & out of staters wondering if anybody from Boston doesn’t like to fight has to fight somebody from Boston. Sorry.
What the hell is a pink hatter? During our decade of dominance a lot of Bostonians jumped on our sports teams bandwagons because we went from suckiness to awesomeness. It started with the Pats. Then the Sox. Then the Celtics. And now even the Bruins are a playoff team. Our arenas and stadiums were now full of girls wearing pink Pats hats. Pink Sox hats. Pink Cs hats. They didn’t know shit about the team. They just wanted to be seen because our teams were cool again in their eyes. Then the term “Pink Hatter” started to be thrown at guys who were also jumping on the bandwagon. Even though they don’t actually wear pink hats, they are still pink fucking hatters in real fans eyes. Unfortunately, this is true. This is now Boston Law. Under the law, posers, people from other Mass cities suffering from Boston envy & out of staters being a pink hatter gets gagged with Schilling’s bloody suck so they can’t scream while they get repeatedly Tom Brady “tuck ruled” with Ted William’s frozen head to the face by Red Sox Nation President Jerry Remy.
“We all Drink Sam Adams”
No. We don’t. The majority of us will actually drink any other beer first and maybe have a Sam depending on the season. Seriously. Coors. Miller. Amstel. Corona. Even Bud. I can’t name one person that just sits around and gets fucked up on a Sams only preference. This is false. This is now Boston Law. Under the law, posers, people from other Mass cities suffering from Boston envy & out of staters insisting that we all drink Sam get said bottle of Sam broken over their head and then get buried alive in that same cemetery next to Sam Adams himself. After a Freedom Trail tour of course.
“All Italians are Connected”
The mob is gone. They’re all dead or locked up. Sure there are still some Italian guys making shady deals in Boston. But hey, a guy’s gotta make a living! But all Italians aren’t connected to the mafia. And your degenerate uncle that is always at Suffolk Downs betting his disability check on the horses and playing the street number is not connected bro. His bookie is a friggin’ 20 year-old psychiatry major at BU for Christ’s sake! This is false. This is now Boston Law. Under the law, posers, people from other Mass cities suffering from Boston envy & out of staters saying they are connected get dropped from the Pru onto Boylston St. then get ran over by a Duck Boat parade for shits and giggles.
“We’re All Racist”
This is an old stereotype. Still touchy for some. But I come from an Italian Boston family with Greeks, Irish, Jewish, Portuguese married into it. Brought up in a blue-collar lower class Boston neighborhood full of Italians, Irish, Greeks, Blacks, Hispanics and Asians. Educated through a diverse Boston public school system. Then a private Boston university full of even more people from different countries, religions and sexual orientations. I went on to work for and also with Boston owned businesses that make money and grow their business thanks to the hard work of a variety of different employees and customers. You say Boston is racist? I say you don’t know Boston. You say racism doesn’t exist? I say you’re ignorant. You tell an offensive joke? I’ll tell an even more offensive one. But I guarantee all of my friends and family that were stereotyped in that joke will genuinely laugh along with me. That’s how Boston rolls. This is false. This is now Boston Law. Under the law, posers, people from other Mass cities suffering from Boston envy & out of staters being racist have to watch some painful, horrible, unfunny Dane Cook standup then get banned from Boston for life along with him. By the way, we really apologize to the world for unleashing him. Our bad.
Now we have “Boston Law”! So the next time you think you know Boston, just check out this list of stereotypes first. Because now they’re Boston Law and you don’t want to break the law. The penalty may be too severe for all you non-Bostonians and fakers to take. Cause that’s wicked pissah kiddd!
Until next time. Always take it there.