T-pisode 32: Top 10 Kid T TV Crushes

Television had a large impact on me growing up. As a kid you feel attached to these characters that you watch week in week out so it’s only natural that a healthy young boy will develop a crush on some young cute girl on tv or even sometimes create an insane made up relationship that only exists in one’s head. What?! That’s somewhat normal. And a local Boston men’s newspaper did an article like this a few years ago when they used to be good. But I think I can do it better because my crushes were awesome! So I present to you, my “Top 10 Kid T TV Crushes”.

Punky Brewster
Punky was the girl of my dreams!!! Cute. Big attitude. She had a dog. A really cool tree house. And she lived the hobo lifestyle. I grew up with her. It was great. Then there was the episode. I remember Punky coming back in September from last season and she looked….different. I couldn’t quite figure it out. And then she said it. “Henry. I got boobs!” I was like whoa!!! I think Henry took a heart attack in that episode. Not sure. Little Punky developed one hell of a rack when I didn’t even know exactly what a rack was and why I liked it so much. I mean I had seen Playboy at that age but those were women! Punky was my age and she brought attention to that part of the female body on chicks my own age. After that episode I stared at every girl in school to see if they were getting boobs and wearing training bras. Thank you Punky.

Evie (Out of this World)
This girl was the first blonde crush in my life. She was cute. She could stop time with her fingers. Her dad was an alien and she could talk to him through a crystal ball type thing. And her mom was the first MILF on television. I don’t know what I liked more. Evie or her superpowers. Either way. I dug this chick. And her mom.

Vickie (Small Wonder)
Vickie was a robot. It was sooo obvious. But there was something appealing to me even as a kid that I could have the ability to tell a chick to do anything and she would do it. And when I got bored I could just turn her off. Which I think I do to some women even today. Oh well.

Christina Applegate (Married With Children)
Kelly Bundy was no kid. She was a woman amongst my kid crushes. She was fully developed and wore the whorest of whorish clothes on the show. My hormones kicked in because of her I think. She eased me into puberty just in time for Baywatch to premiere. God bless you Kelly Bundy.

Penny (Inspector Gadget)
Penny was cute, smart and we both had uncles who used cool gadgets that we helped solve crimes with! We had so much in common so of course I’d be attracted to her. The fact that she was a cartoon didn’t mean shit to me. She was the ideal girlfriend and I have zero regrets over that relationship.

Jo (Facts of Life)
Jo was cute, brunette, a mechanic, rode a motorcycle, got into fights and threatened to punch people. She was almost perfect. And she was definitely bi-sexual. So there was always that chance of having a three-way with her and Blair. Or with her and Tootie. But definitely not with Natalie. No fucking way man. Not Natalie. Not ever.

Nicole Eggert (Charles in Charge)
Nicole Eggert oozed sex appeal on this lame ass show. She was the only reason I watched this show. Fucking Chachi was definitely boning her too and he was like 10 years older than her. Back then that upset me. Today I congratulate him. Nicole Eggert was my first taste of what California girls are really supposed to be like. Then she went on Baywatch and my head exploded.

Alyssa Milano (Who’s the Boss)
Hot, brunette, liked sports and Italian! Hello!!! Alyssa Milano has had such longevity in her career because of guys like me who grew up watching her on tv and praying to meet a girl like her in real life. She was a great tv girlfriend. One of the great ones. She comes along every 10 years. Like fighters. Who’s the Boss, Charmed & some other show that just came on tv and got cancelled a few months ago so she’s all over twitter & YouTube now. Like I said, every 10 years. Still hope to give her the Mario test one day.

All the Saved by the Bell girls
Yes. All 3 of them! Kelly was the smoking hot chick. Lisa was the chick in hot little outfits. And Jesse was the smart chick with a drug a problem. All 3 of them combined for years of Saturday morning wood. Seriously. Combine the hotness of Kelly with the whore outfits of Lisa and smash them together with the brains and speed addiction of Jesse and you had the perfect girl. They brought the hotness every damn Saturday. And then years and years of tv syndication with the show still on tv right now somewhere. Don’t believe me? Go turn on your tv right now. Go ahead. I’ll wait……see? I told you.

DJ (Full House)
DJ was the average cute chick that grew up into a hot chick. Good for her. She had a house full of people who loved her and taught her life lessons. She lived with 60 relatives in that big house. Everybody had their own room and there was a state of the art music studio in the basement. I dreamed that she would be the perfect woman to marry one day. But in real life she married a washed up hockey player. Her brother Michael Seaver from Growing Pains became a Jesus freak. Stephanie became a meth head but with giant boobs. The baby turned into anorexic alien troll like billionaire twins. Uncle Joey banged Alanis Morissette and she made that stupid angry Canadian song about him. Uncle Jesse lost his model slash actress wife to the fat kid from Stand By Me. And Kimmy Gibbler is still ugly as sin. Ran into her in real life LA a few years ago. Holy shit. So I started that “Kimmy Gibbler is Dead” internet rumor. Google it. This show actually spawned a variety of hot messes now that I think about it. Glad I didn’t end up with her after all!

So there it is. My kid tv crushes. Not to be confused with my dirty teenage tv crushes. Or my adult tv that I really shouldn’t have as a grown man but sometimes it’s easier to just fast forward the dvr through all their talking and just turn them off with the remote when they’re annoying the shit out of you crushes.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T