T-pisode 43: Bro Dress Code

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This is Bro Dress Code approved!

Every guy has his own style. Absolutely. That’s how it should be. But there are certain items every man should have in his wardrobe according to age. No excuses. Even if you’re a button up and crisp jeans with shoes guy; or a t-shirt with sneakers guy; or a suited up warrior businessman; or even a gelled up juice head. You should have the following. I don’t care what you do for a living. I don’t care how much or how little you make. These items are a basic must for the “Bro Dress Code”. Which means it’s universal and should be respected! I even threw in some advice on a few items you should toss. Immediately.

After College At Least One Nice Fitted Suit
Regardless of your job. You should have this. If you’re in corporate America, you should have at least 5 suits. One for every day of the week. Stick to the basics at first. Black. Navy Blue. Gray. Thin stripe if you’re daring enough for stripes. Don’t get creative with a suit. Be subtle. Classic. And make sure you have white fitted button ups to wear with them. The collar can’t be too tight or too loose. See a tailor bro or that guy with the measuring tape hanging out at Macy’s who really wants to touch you.

Black & Brown Shoes with Belts to Match
Shiny. Dull. Ties. No ties. Wood bottom. Rubber bottom. Doesn’t matter. Just make sure you keep them clean and the brown shoe shade has a belt that has the same shade to go with them. If you’re a grown man and you don’t own a pair of shoes or your shoes are dirty and beat. Get a girl to go shopping with you. Like now!

A Leather Jacket
You don’t have to be the Fonze. And it can’t be your favorite team leather jacket. Or an old school 8-ball leather. But you have to own a leather jacket. It’s a classic. It’s a closet staple man. It means you have balls and you know how to use them. And you probably like Sons of Anarchy too. Chicks dig Sons of Anarchy.

A Nice Pair of Sneakers; Gym Sneakers; Get Dirty Sneakers
The nice pair is to chill in. Get white. Keep them white. Gym can be any color. Just make sure they’re good enough for at least 5 days at the gym for 6 months. Only use them to work out. Get dirty sneakers aren’t old sneakers that used to be gym or chilling sneakers. No. You buy these to play around in. Sports. Yard work. Painting. Moving. They’re for being a man who has to do manly things.

The Thick Gold Chain-Are you still wearing that?

The Fedora-You’re not Don Draper kid.

Non Prescription Glasses-You’re not Clark Kent or Justin Timberlake.

The Throwback Jersey-You’re not a rapper. Rappers don’t even wear them anymore.

Skinny Jeans-Chicks wear them because they don’t have cock & balls. Men do. You look like a chick when you wear them.

Anything Bedazzled-My nieces bedazzle things. Little girls like shiny things. Are you a little girl bro? No. So get rid off everything that has a shiny dragon choking a rooster on it.

Dress Socks
The only time you should wear white gym socks is when you wear sneakers. Never with shoes man! Never! Have at least 7 pairs of dress socks. And not all just black either. Don’t wear black socks with brown shoes rookie. Get some with patterns and shit to match your clothes. Look like you have some fucking style!

Clean Underwear
Boxers. Briefs. Boxer Briefs. Whatever. Just make sure they’re clean. And never tightie whities. Don’t be that guy who’s sitting on his couch touching himself and picking his ass in his tightie whities. Because that’s what she’s picturing when she sees you in them. One way ticket to Loserville.

A Dress Watch; A Casual Watch
I don’t care if you’re a watch guy and have multiple watches. Just make sure they are decent. Brand name. And work. Never cheap gold. Never blinged out. Never a bootleg. Men don’t roll like that. Just have a decent watch for dress up and another for dress down.

The Bandana-It has no place on a man. Anywhere. Not on your head. Not folded on your wrists. No hanging out of your back pocket. Seriously.

The Extra Tight Boys Small T-Shirt-A lot of guys suffer from ILS. Imaginary Lat Syndrome. Just work out if you want to look bigger you tool.

Scarfs-Not the ones you need in Winter. The gay ones you wear to the club. Really bro?

Rosary necklaces-When was the last time you went to church Jersey Shore reject?

Popped Collars=Getting popped in your mouth. Enough already. You’re like 30.

A Ferrari/Lamborghini/Porsche/Mercedes Key Chain-But you actually drive a Honda. Stop it.

A Good Umbrella
I learned this when I was in sales. Spend the $30 and buy a big, sturdy, manly umbrella. Not a small chick one. Not a free one with your old company’s logo on it either. Get the good umbrella that’s big enough for you and her, you and a client or just you.

A Raincoat
Real men wear raincoats over their suits with the big umbrella. It’s a classy old-fashioned look and says you aren’t a little boy who throws on a windbreaker anymore. Save the North Face for Pats games tailgating there Man Vs Wild guy.

Team Hat
You should have one hat representing your favorite sports teams in all the major sports. They should be the classic team hat. Nothing fancy. Keep it simple. But make sure you have them to represent your team and city well when you’re at the game, at the bar, at home or just running errands.

A Wallet
It’s not for your money. Your money should always be folded in half and in the same pocket on top of the wallet. Your wallet should be small and only be able to hold your license, credit cards, a few business cards and a single well hidden condom. Trust me on this.

The Pinky Ring-You’re not fucking Tony Soprano. You’re not even Italian.

The Pocket Chain-Did you just pull up to the club and valet your skateboard chief?

Money Clip-You’re not Gordon Gekko sir.

Blinged Out Jesus Piece-Unless you’re a priest who dips into the collection plates, stop it. Stop anything blinged out.

Tie With a T-Shirt-You look like a complete asshole.

So these are the basic items that every man should have according to the Bro Dress Code. Regardless. No excuses. Step your game up if you don’t. And congrats to you if you already do. You respect the Bro Dress Code! If you still rock any of the things that should be tossed after reading this, well then, you’re an idiot and you deserve to have bad things happen to you.

Until next time. Always take it there.



  1. Love your ‘tosses’! I know a couple of guys that need to read this very badly. I was up home this past weekend and my best friend’s husband shows up with a bandana wrapped around his head. Not all over just folded on his head..sporting the bret michael look. I looked at him and told him I was going to shove it up his ass and then was informed that he doesn’t leave home with out it. Fail.
    Here’s another fail bro dress code. A jeep rolled up next to my sister and I at a stop light a couple weeks back..music cranked up..we look over and there sits a guy if he can even be classified as a guy with some gay 80’s song rocking on the radio (not even a good one) he has on aviators, a pink polo..collar popped, plaid shorts, and yes he is rocking a huge gold class ring. I would say if we could have seen his feet he was trying to rock some sandals with that get up. I tried to take a picture and my phone decided to freeze..shit! It was classic.


    1. You should’ve shoved that bandana up his ass. The other guy broke so many rules dressed like that. Definitely a douche!


  2. It’s def pretty funny to read your fashion tips of the male
    must-haves. Who would have thought you’d be right on target. Throw in a couple edgy pieces and I think your totally well-rounded.

    And, your tosses, haha… Thank you for saying something. Non persciption glasses, skinny jeans, club scarves, bedazzled stuff…those things are just not meant for a man. Simple is better and with the right swagger it’s always hot!


    1. I was surprised too! Guess I actually listened to some of the women in my life when they were trying to give me fashion advice over the years. Shocking.

      I’m going to LA in a couple of days. I always laugh at the way some of the gameless dudes dress out there. Home of the mega-douche!


      1. Trust…I know…just because some a-sexual smolding CW stud wore it, does not mean the ” Trend ” translates to the real world that consists of more than 15 year old little girls.


      2. Real men don’t watch CW. If you meet a guy dressed like he walked off the set of Gossip Girls or Vampire Diaries, run. Do him a favor before you run though. Show him what channel ESPN is.


  3. I live in LA and unfortunately there are large amounts of douche drink passed around cuz some guys just look AWFUL. I don’t like a man to try too hard – just hard enough.

    Not sure how I feel about the leather jacket though…it depends on the leather jacket I think. I went out with a guy who wore a leather jacket and I think I didn’t want to go on a 2nd date with him because of it…shallow, I know, but I was so distracted by the damn thing that I couldn’t figure out whether I liked him…


    1. Yeah I never rock the leather jacket on a first date. Date a little bit and I let her see the jacket as I put it on to see her reaction. If she’s not a fan, I’ll wear it when I’m not out with her.

      Thanks for the tweet! I have to check out your blog. 😉


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