T-pisode 43: Bro Dress Code

Every guy has his own style. Absolutely. That’s how it should be. But there are certain items every man should have in his wardrobe according to age. No excuses. Even if you’re a button up and crisp jeans with shoes guy; or a t-shirt with sneakers guy; or a suited up warrior businessman; or even a gelled up juice head. You should have the following. I don’t care what you do for a living. I don’t care how much or how little you make. These items are a basic must for the “Bro Dress Code”. Which means it’s universal and should be respected! I even threw in some advice on a few items you should toss. Immediately.

After College At Least One Nice Fitted Suit
Regardless of your job. You should have this. If you’re in corporate America, you should have at least 5 suits. One for every day of the week. Stick to the basics at first. Black. Navy Blue. Gray. Thin stripe if you’re daring enough for stripes. Don’t get creative with a suit. Be subtle. Classic. And make sure you have white fitted button ups to wear with them. The collar can’t be too tight or too loose. See a tailor bro or that guy with the measuring tape hanging out at Macy’s who really wants to touch you.

Black & Brown Shoes with Belts to Match
Shiny. Dull. Ties. No ties. Wood bottom. Rubber bottom. Doesn’t matter. Just make sure you keep them clean and the brown shoe shade has a belt that has the same shade to go with them. If you’re a grown man and you don’t own a pair of shoes or your shoes are dirty and beat. Get a girl to go shopping with you. Like now!

A Leather Jacket
You don’t have to be the Fonze. And it can’t be your favorite team leather jacket. Or an old school 8-ball leather. But you have to own a leather jacket. It’s a classic. It’s a closet staple man. It means you have balls and you know how to use them. And you probably like Sons of Anarchy too. Chicks dig Sons of Anarchy.

A Nice Pair of Sneakers; Gym Sneakers; Get Dirty Sneakers
The nice pair is to chill in. Get white. Keep them white. Gym can be any color. Just make sure they’re good enough for at least 5 days at the gym for 6 months. Only use them to work out. Get dirty sneakers aren’t old sneakers that used to be gym or chilling sneakers. No. You buy these to play around in. Sports. Yard work. Painting. Moving. They’re for being a man who has to do manly things.

*Toss:
The Thick Gold Chain-Are you still wearing that?

The Fedora-You’re not Don Draper kid.

Non Prescription Glasses-You’re not Clark Kent or Justin Timberlake.

The Throwback Jersey-You’re not a rapper. Rappers don’t even wear them anymore.

Skinny Jeans-Chicks wear them because they don’t have cock & balls. Men do. You look like a chick when you wear them.

Anything Bedazzled-My nieces bedazzle things. Little girls like shiny things. Are you a little girl bro? No. So get rid off everything that has a shiny dragon choking a rooster on it.

Dress Socks
The only time you should wear white gym socks is when you wear sneakers. Never with shoes man! Never! Have at least 7 pairs of dress socks. And not all just black either. Don’t wear black socks with brown shoes rookie. Get some with patterns and shit to match your clothes. Look like you have some fucking style!

Clean Underwear
Boxers. Briefs. Boxer Briefs. Whatever. Just make sure they’re clean. And never tightie whities. Don’t be that guy who’s sitting on his couch touching himself and picking his ass in his tightie whities. Because that’s what she’s picturing when she sees you in them. One way ticket to Loserville.

A Dress Watch; A Casual Watch
I don’t care if you’re a watch guy and have multiple watches. Just make sure they are decent. Brand name. And work. Never cheap gold. Never blinged out. Never a bootleg. Men don’t roll like that. Just have a decent watch for dress up and another for dress down.

*Toss:
The Bandana-It has no place on a man. Anywhere. Not on your head. Not folded on your wrists. No hanging out of your back pocket. Seriously.

The Extra Tight Boys Small T-Shirt-A lot of guys suffer from ILS. Imaginary Lat Syndrome. Just work out if you want to look bigger you tool.

Scarfs-Not the ones you need in Winter. The gay ones you wear to the club. Really bro?

Rosary necklaces-When was the last time you went to church Jersey Shore reject?

Popped Collars=Getting popped in your mouth. Enough already. You’re like 30.

A Ferrari/Lamborghini/Porsche/Mercedes Key Chain-But you actually drive a Honda. Stop it.

A Good Umbrella
I learned this when I was in sales. Spend the $30 and buy a big, sturdy, manly umbrella. Not a small chick one. Not a free one with your old company’s logo on it either. Get the good umbrella that’s big enough for you and her, you and a client or just you.

A Raincoat
Real men wear raincoats over their suits with the big umbrella. It’s a classy old-fashioned look and says you aren’t a little boy who throws on a windbreaker anymore. Save the North Face for Pats games tailgating there Man Vs Wild guy.

Team Hat
You should have one hat representing your favorite sports teams in all the major sports. They should be the classic team hat. Nothing fancy. Keep it simple. But make sure you have them to represent your team and city well when you’re at the game, at the bar, at home or just running errands.

A Wallet
It’s not for your money. Your money should always be folded in half and in the same pocket on top of the wallet. Your wallet should be small and only be able to hold your license, credit cards, a few business cards and a single well hidden condom. Trust me on this.

*Toss:
The Pinky Ring-You’re not fucking Tony Soprano. You’re not even Italian.

The Pocket Chain-Did you just pull up to the club and valet your skateboard chief?

Money Clip-You’re not Gordon Gekko sir.

Blinged Out Jesus Piece-Unless you’re a priest who dips into the collection plates, stop it. Stop anything blinged out.

Tie With a T-Shirt-You look like a complete asshole.

So these are the basic items that every man should have according to the Bro Dress Code. Regardless. No excuses. Step your game up if you don’t. And congrats to you if you already do. You respect the Bro Dress Code! If you still rock any of the things that should be tossed after reading this, well then, you’re an idiot and you deserve to have bad things happen to you.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T