T-pisode 47: Why Guys Hate Stupid Bachelorette Parties

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Avoid bachelorette parties! At all costs!!!

Guys hate stupid bachelorette parties. Hate. Despise. And I’m not even talking about the ones our girlfriends and wives go to. I’m talking about the ones with women we don’t even know that storm the night like a bunch of bats out of the depths of hell. Dudes just do their bachelor parties on the down low. We don’t want anybody outside of that inner circle known as the bachelor party knowing about the strippers, prostitutes, hotels, fights, drugs, deaths and gambling. But women want everybody to know that there’s a bachelorette party going on. Everybody! They just go on an annoying, drunken rampage that ruins the night of innocent bystander guys who are just trying to enjoy their night. Here’s what the regular guy out during your stupid bachelorette party sees and why we hate your bachelorette party.

Your stupid gimmicky t-shirts
You go out wearing “Future Mrs. Brent Johnson”; “Bride to Be”; “Buy Me a Shot” on your t-shirt. You think it’s cute. You think you’re funny. NO! You know what us guys see instead? “Brent Johnson Has Decided to Settle With This Chick Because She Threatened to Leave Him Unless He Gave Her a Ring”; “Pain in the Ass For Life to Be”; “I’m Nuts as Shit If I Still Think Guys Will Buy Me a Shot Wearing This Ring and Stupid T-Shirt”.

Your stupid scavenger hunts
No I am not taking a picture with you. I am not signing your shirt. I am not sticking a photo to your veil. We don’t want your buttons. I am not giving you one of my condoms unless I’m wearing it. I am not buying you a shot. I am not partaking in any one of your stupid events!!! You are annoying. Get the hell away from me. You just totally c-blocked the shit out of me and my boys with that group of hot single chicks over there. I hope you are happy!

The whole stupid party is butt ugly
It’s true. 99 out of 100 bachelorette parties are full of disgusting, manly, large-handed dude like chicks that look like they should be the starting defensive line for the Patriots. The one hot chick in the group is either married, miserable or sober. Or all 3. Go ahead. Prove me wrong.

The stupid bride is the only hot one
And she ain’t having sex with nobody. We feel bad for her soon to be dumb ass husband. Because this is where it starts….err stops. I’m talking about the sex here people.

Stupid Moms/Aunts/Grandmoms thinking they’re cool
What’s worse than the busted bridesmaids? They’re busted old ass relatives! I’m a gentleman but please stop trying to rope me in with that feathered boa old lady or I will punch you in your hip! No I don’t want to do a shot with you broad wearing mom jeans with the short lesbian mom helmet haircut! And no I don’t want to be set up with your other single daughter, mother of the bride. There’s a reason she is still single at 40. She looks like she took a face plant off the Tobin Bridge! Leave me alone! I am about to cut you all. Swear to God!

Stupid penis everything
Pins, hats, straws, toys, cakes, buttons, etc. Why would you ever think guys want to be around your penis stuff? Why?! We already have them. And if you love penis so damn much, why do you immediately start to hate it as soon as the priest says “I now pronounce you man and wife”??? Tell me. All us guys are very curious.

Always a stupid extra drunk and whorish one
You’re all usually insanely drunk but there is always that extra saucy one that falls and splits her head open and starts puking and nobody knows if it’s from the alcohol or a result of the concussion but yet she continues to party and ruin everything in sight. She can be found puking and blowing a guy in the bathroom. At the same time. We hate her the most.

Always a stupid extra ugly one
She may be just really really ugly. Or she could be that cousin that your inbred relatives kept in the basement all those years. But for some reason they let her out tonight and she is going to try to rape me or one of my drunk weakened friends. Actually, we hate her the most.

Not only are you all stupid, but you’re all loud as shit
On top of all that other annoying shit, you are all really damn loud. Lots of “Woooos!” And “I’m getting married”! Hey, just know that nobody gives a shit except for you, your elephants friends and the senior citizens in your damn bachelorette party. Now shut up. And go home.

So ladies, just remember this shit when you go out to celebrate your bachelorette party. Take my advice and avoid doing any of this. Maybe talk to your man and do what he’s doing for his bachelor party. Oh wait. He’s not going to tell you. Shit. I’m going to see you out soon aren’t I? Just let me know when and where. Please. No. PLEASE!

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

15 comments

  1. LOL I couldn’t agree more. Although I did just go to a bachelorette party and we weren’t as obnoxious as what you described, but I am disappointed to report that we did have penis stuff everywhere. We kept that in the hotel room for the most part so at least there’s that. Ohh, and no senior citizens.

    Hilarious post

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  2. AMEN! I refused all that crap during my bachelorette party..it’s awful, annoying and completely embarrassing…FOR EVERYONE. Here in Nashville, it never fails, on any given night you walk out of one bar to head to the next and here they come, like a freaking army of pink feathers and wieners chanting and screaming. I honestly want to shove my fist down each one of their throats or at least trip them because well they are hammered and that would be funny.

    Keep Rockin’ T!

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    1. I like hearing that so many women agree with this post. I was expecting to get lynched by a group of angry pink feathered bridesmaids.

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  3. I couldn’t agree with you more T! Classy girls everywhere thank you for taking it there!

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    1. I’m at an 82% instant classic blog post accuracy. No other blog can claim that!

      That Hindu slapping guy should be released into every club to slap idiots in the head letting them know it’s time to leave.

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  4. I didn’t have penis shaped anything at my bachelorette party. But I was forced to wear a really ugly shirt. I stayed sober, does that get me any positive points?

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  5. OK, so I have been to a bachelorette party or two and yes,I have made penis cakes full of cream, sucked on multiple penis shaped candies while downing blow job shots which of course led to many provocative “don’t post” pictures of me and my friends. And, the memories that I can piece together, awesome. BTW none of my friends would be caught dead in stupid veil or t-shirt on a bride-to-be scavenger hunt in public EVER.

    Here’s the lamest bachelorette party I’ve been too. One of my pretty princess friends was getting married. Her party started out great eating, drinking, pictures, presentable stage just about to turn the corner. Then, the bride decides she wants to go to a strip club. Not a seedy but fun bikini bar in Hollywood like Crazy Girls. No, she wants to go to a full nude strip club in the hood near LAX 20 minutes away. FYI in LA full nude clubs DO NOT SERVE ALCOHOL.

    Thus, I was so not into this idea as I’m so not into chicks and neither are most of my friends. Sure, we’ve all kissed a girl or two, but who hasn’t, I live in LA. Skip to two hours later me and 10 of my friends silently watching naked stripper number 5 climbing the pole. Yes, the acrobatics impressive. What was not impressive was my girlie girl friend trying to act all pimp tipping dancers and giggling. I’m sure she was trying to create some bad-ass story to tantalize her future hubby and I wasn’t judging. But, what I was was SOBER, bored and embarrassed.

    In that moment I would have given anything to be hanging with some mid-west mama about to get hitched in her stupid shirt and veil in search of scavenger hunt dude #7 to buy us all a round of shots.

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  6. Could not agree with you more! I absolutely hate all of that stuff and told my bridal party that if they even tried to buy me any feather boas or anything with penises on it I would go home. I just wanted to have a fun girls night out as if it were any other normal girls night out and that’s exactly what we did.

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