T-pisode 48: Don’t Be a One-Upper

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Nobody likes a One-Upper. Nobody.

Nobody likes a One-Upper. What is a One-Upper you say? A One-Upper is somebody who constantly must one-up everybody else they know. At everything. Whether on purpose or without even knowing they are doing it. Everything you do, they say they do better. Everything you have, they have something that’s better. And a One-Upper is a total douche. They come in all forms. There are different types of One-Uppers and here are some prime examples. Be on the look out for them! I bet you know one. Or maybe you are one.

The Work One-Upper
This guy will come up to you at work and tell you about how his job is better than yours. His boss is better than yours. His pay is better than yours. The location of his friggin’ cube is better than yours. But most importantly, he manages to always finish his work early and tells you about it! Oh I’m so glad you finished everything on time and can go drinking now while I’m going to be here until like midnight! What does it matter? We don’t even work in the same department asshole. One-Up the One-Upper: Once he’s left early go do something dirty to every single thing that he touches in his cube. Teach him to one-up you! But without him really knowing! This could go on forever.

The Couple One-Upper
These 2 dopes always go to the best restaurants. Go on the best vacations. Have the best looking kids. Have the best damn house in the history of houses! You know what?! I don’t give a shit about how much you spent on Disney. Let’s one-up each other over Vegas buddy! Why are you telling me this anyways? I’m not a couple. Is it because all your couple friends hate you? One-Up the One-Upper: Say to one of them. “Wow. Things are going great. So I guess you’re not going to go through with that divorce like you were saying you were the other day on Facebook.” Watch what happens.

The Future One-Upper
This prick talks about his upcoming expensive wedding. His large upcoming tax return. His upcoming child that will go to the best schools 10 years from now!!! I don’t care about your wedding and how expensive it is going to be. I’m not even married. I’m not even close to getting married. That’s great that you spent a million dollars on the hall and paid to bring DJ AM back to life to spin records for your guests. You’re buying a boat with your tax return? Awesome. I have to give blood because I owe the government that much in taxes this year you dick. One-Up the One-Upper: Tell him “I hope everything turns out as awesome for me when I reach that point in my life. Everything except for the part where my wife slept with all the ushers without me knowing about it that is. Oh you didn’t know? My bad.”

The Gym One-Upper
This person will look at you and flex. They will tell you constantly about what you’re doing wrong. They will insist on improving your technique. They will see what you’re lifting and then try to lift more even if it kills them. This fucker will hop on the treadmill next to you and increase the speed to more than what you’re doing every time you increase your speed! And you don’t even know them!!! You know who I’m talking about! Every gym has one. They’re like your gym arch-enemy. One-Up the One-Upper: Break into his locker and just switch his steroids with heroin. All that muscle mass will peel off in weeks. If it’s a chick just tell her that the cardio isn’t working on her ass or love handles. That’s enough to make her commit suicide.

The Drinker One-Upper
This prick is the guy that orders the most expensive scotch while the rest of you are all just drinking $2 drafts and watching the game. Really dude? Did you just have the waitress open that for you? You all order 10 cent wings, he orders the fucking filet. Because he can. And then he’ll tell you about how great that scotch and steak are. While telling you he has like 5 grand bet on the game. Against the team you’re fucking cheering for!!! One-Up the One-Upper: If you know he’s coming ahead of time, throw in with all your boys and give your waitress some cash to poison him. Not enough to kill him, but enough so he gets sick enough to never want to come back to that place again.

The Who I Banged One-Upper
Every single chick this guy banged is hotter than the ones you banged. You’re telling your buddies about some chick you nailed last night and he will tell you about a hotter one he nailed like 5 years ago. You did a chick and her roommate. He did triplet Playboy models. Dude, you’re married now. All your stats are now null and void. But that doesn’t matter. This ass clown’s glory day bangs will always be better than yours in his eyes. One-Up the One-Upper: Just stick your fingers in his face and say “Smell familiar? It’s your wife.” Crude but very effective.

The Unintentional One-Upper
This person means well. They aren’t intentionally trying to one-up you. They just do it naturally. It’s probably a close friend or a family member. So you have to handle them with care. Try telling them about their One-Upping douchery. If it doesn’t go well they leave you with no choice but to resort to some low ball hijinks. One-Up the One-Upper: In this case you must embarrass them in front of people. Make sure all your conversations now take place in public. Around lots of people. Preferably strangers. At the first sign of one-uppery say “I warned you. You leave me no choice.” Then start yelling as loud as you can at the top of your lungs “THIS GUY/GIRL IS A KIDDIE DIDDLER! HE/SHE DIDDLES LITTLE KIDS! LITTLE KID DIDDLER HERE!!! DIDDLER!!!! DIDDLE DIDDLE DIDDLE! DIDDLE DIDDLE DIDDLE! DIDDLE DIDDLE DIDDLE!” They will be so traumatized after the public beating and possible arrest that they will never unintentionally one-up you again. Hell they might not even talk to you again. Win-win baby.

The Everything One-Upper
You have no hope here. Every single thing you say or do, he/she will one up you. They are that fucking insane. And annoying. One-Up the One-Upper: Cut them.

These are just a few One-Uppers. Avoid them! But if you can’t now you have a way to One-Up the One-Upper. If you are a One-Upper you better change your ways fast because some real messed up shit is coming your way thanks to this blog post.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

14 comments

  1. What about the “I can do your job better than you” guy? This is a slight variation on your “Work one-upper”.

    I have a friend who always tells me how ANYONE can do my job, that it’s SOOOOO easy! That HE could do it with his eyes closed and one hand tied behind his back. He says this to me every time I see him. Ummmm, let’s see -reality check – you can’t do my job – you’re a paralegal and have been telling me you’re going to go to law school for the past 10 YEARS. Another reality check – I, in fact, DID go to law school. And graduated. And passed the bar. And have been practicing for 5 years.

    Fool.

    I LOVE this post. Everyone knows someone like this.

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    1. That’s definitely another kind of One-Upper! You already have an answer for him. But if he could you job he would be doing your job. But he’s not. So obviously he can’t. What a douche.

      You’re a lawyer too?! You just went up a few more points. 😉

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      1. Nah. That rule only applies to guy lawyers. Nobody likes them. Women lawyers always go up in the point system. Always.

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      2. Why is that? Cuz we wear high heels? When dudes find out I’m a lawyer they almost ALWAYS ask, “What do you wear to work?” Like, wtf, you just told me you’re an architect and I have no desire to ask or know what you wear to work…

        Don’t get me wrong, I love that I just went up a few points with you – after all, there are only so many of us in the blogging Federal Witness Protection Program. We gotta stick together.

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      3. Haha no that’s not it. Wait. That’s usually the first question guys ask you after finding out you’re a lawyer? You can find the high heels in any office. Hell even strip clubs. You went up in points because that’s a great field. It’s tough for a lot of women to get respect in that field. I would never ask the high heel question as my first follow up. Maaaaybe with my 3rd or 4th question. Right after the short skirt and how many buttons are undone on the button up questions. 😉

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  2. Ah, the One-Upper. They’re *everywhere. I think what I find most amusing is when they one-up something bad. For example, a douche I know once one-upped a friend who had confessed, “I’m cheating on my girlfriend” with, “Oh yeah? Well I’m cheating on my girlfriend with her sister.” What? Are you proud of that, big man? Go to hell.

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