T-pisode 84: T Defines Pink Hatter

For as long as t-blawg has existed you have heard about my disdain for Pink Hatters. But what the hell is a Pink Hatter exactly? I’ll tell you. During our “Decade of Dominance” of 2001-2011, a lot of fake ass and wannabe Bostonians jumped on our sports teams’ bandwagons because we went from total suckiness to total awesomeness. It started with the Pats. Then the Sox. Then the Celtics. And now with the Bruins with their epic Stanley Cup victory. Our arenas and stadiums have become full of fake fan women wearing pink Pats hats. Pink Sox hats. Pink Cs hats. Pink Bruins hats. They are women who don’t know shit about the team. About the players. About the history. About loyalty. They just wanted to be seen at these games and/or finally cheer them on because our teams had become cool in their eyes. They thought they looked cute. Then the term Pink Hatter also started to be thrown around at guys who were also jumping on the bandwagon. Even though they didn’t actually wear the pink hats, they still became pink fucking hatters in the eyes of real fans due to their lack of loyalty and total embracement of fakeness and douchiness. They are Pink Hatters. How can you spot a Pink Hatter? Do you think you may know a Pink Hatter? Are you a Pink Hatter yourself? Well here’s how you know! I’m defining the Pink Hatter right here, right now. T style of course.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you never cheered for a Boston sports team before 2001.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you’ve never been to an actual game but claim to be a “real fan.”

You are a Pink Hatter if….you had the balls to cheer “We want the Cup!” recently but didn’t start cheering it until like game 6 or 7 of the Stanley Cup finals.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you just want to get out of work early as the reason why you go to our Duck Boat victory parades.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you can’t name a single player when they are not wearing their uniform.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you are more concerned about Tom Brady’s hair than his stats.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you didn’t cry when Cam Neely tried to come back.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you didn’t enjoy Pedro tossing Don Zimmer by his old ass head.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you didn’t know Drew Bledsoe, Scott Zolak or Steve Grogan existed before Tom Brady.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t remember “Squish the Fish” or “Bury the Bears”.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you didn’t believe in “The Curse of the Great Bambino”.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t know who Mookie Wilson, Bucky Dent or Aaron Boone are.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you wear heels and a dress to a Cs game like you’re at the club.

You are a Pink Hatter if….any of your sports gear has “bling”.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you need a drinking glove to tailgate at The Razor in January.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t always order 2 beers/2 dogs every time you get up to piss at Fenway.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you need to ask at Fenway “What is the name of that yellow pole again?”

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t remember that one time Jose Canseco pitched for the Sox.

You are a Pink Hatter if….the names Troy Brown, Adam Oates, Mike Greenwell and Xavier McDaniel don’t sound familiar.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t get emotional when talking about Len Bias or Reggie Lewis.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t know the original Big 3.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you never said the words “wait ‘til next year”.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you only watch during the playoffs.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you claim to be a diehard yet tweet about how you’re out to dinner during a playoff game; regular season Yankees games; Lakers games; Habs games or Colts games!

You are a Pink Hatter if….you just want to get on the jumbotron.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you never sat near the dancing old guy with the hat and mustache, the dancing little kid, Santa Claus or Tupac Shakur at the Garden during a Cs game.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you didn’t have a crush on the hotness that was Kelly the Ball Girl.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you’re a dopey college kid who got killed by a bean bag bullet to the head because you only took to the streets of Boston after one of our teams won a championship to act like an idiot by climbing a tree, a traffic light, a light pole or jumped on the hood of a car without even watching the game we just won.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you only banged the players without even knowing why you banged them just because you heard they’re on the team. Groupie ho.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you didn’t know Andy Moog or Reggie Lemelin before Tim Thomas.

You are a Pink Hatter if….your stomach doesn’t turn when you still watch old tapes of when Bird’s back started to go.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t remember when there weren’t any seats on the Monster.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you never went to a game in the old Garden.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t remember where and when Paul Pierce got stabbed at that club that one time.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t remember where you were when Bledsoe got taken out and that backup QB came in.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t hear yourself saying out loud to anyone in ear shot at any family wedding, funeral or other important event “Why isn’t the game on?”, “Where the fuck is the TV in this place? The game is starting.” or “Does anyone know the score of the game?”

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t respect the bloody sock.

You are a Pink Hatter if….the name Grady Little doesn’t piss you the fuck off.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t giggle like a little girl when Don & Remy giggle like little girls.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t know why the year 1986 is etched in real Bostonians memories.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you think Tommy is biased when it comes to the Celtics. No way! He calls it down the line bro! Tommy Point!!!

You are a Pink Hatter if….you have to ask why they’re booing Kevin Youkilis.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you never appreciated Hazel Mae’s epic boobs or Tina Cervasio’s epic mouth or Heidi Watney’s epic everything.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you think it’s Black & Yellow instead of Black & Gold around here.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you didn’t believe “The Tuna” was going to get us a Super Bowl victory.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t bow down to the Gods that are Bobby Orr, Ted Williams or Larry Bird every time their names are mentioned.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t know why Doug Flutie was, is and will always be popular around Boston.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t know damn well that Larry Bird ain’t walking through that door!

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t do the double fist pump with Rene every time.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t get out of your seat and do the “For another Patriots’ first down!” first down gesture at Gillette.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t sing “Sweet Caroline” for at least another 30 seconds after the music stops at Fenway.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t know when it’s time to do the Ric Flair “Woooooo!” at a Bs game.

You are a Pink Hatter if….you don’t know when it’s “Peanut Butter Jelly Time!”

And finally. You are a Pink Hatter if….you wear any pink Boston sports gear; need to ask any Boston sports questions about anything before 2001 because you don’t know shit; or don’t have a legit answer to “You missed the game???”

There you have it. T has defined the Pink Hatter. Why I hate Pink Hatters. And how to recognize a no good, dirty Pink Hatter. It is now on all of us to rid our great city of Boston of these Pink Hatters. Let’s do it people!!!

Are you a Pink Hatter? Do you know of any other Pink Hatter symptoms? Let me know! Hit me up here. On Facebook. Or on Twitter. Or even if you ever just want to talk Boston sports!

Until next time. Always take it there.

T