T-pisode 6: Game Dates

I’m a sports fanatic. Actually a Boston sports fanatic. Actually more like a Patriots, Red Sox, Celtics and Bruins fanatic. I could care less about the Revolution. What? It’s soccer. Or the Blazers. I don’t acknowledge lacrosse as a sport. It’s too easily confused with women’s field hockey if you ask me. Anyways. Being the fan that I am, I go to a lot of games. A LOT of games. 99% of them with my bro-in-law or with one of my sports buddies. But every now and then, I take a date. Whether it’s because one of my usual game partners in crime isn’t available or it’s because I’ve actually got past enough dates with a woman and deemed her “game date” worthy. And sometimes there is an entirely new unbelievably drop dead sexy woman who loves a certain “hot” player (Tom Brady/Jacoby Ellsbury/Milan Lucic are always mentioned) and she just wants to be seen at a game wearing her “cute pink jersey/t-shirt/hat” abomination and taking her will most likely help get me to the promise land. Every sports guy does it. We all play by the game date rules.

We rather go to a game with our buddies 9 out of 10 times because one, we want to enjoy the game without any stupid annoying questions. Two, we want to get drunk. And three, we are automatic targets for fights when going with women. All this is true. Seriously. I just gave you a peak behind the guy wizard curtain. Now some women do know sports talk but we don’t want to talk sports with you in public settings. It’s just weird. And some of you may like to get drunk at games but then we can’t get drunk. We can barely get ourselves out alive when drunk let alone the two of us. So when you get drunk, we have to stay sober. And that sucks! And while you’re drunk, hooting & hollering at Jacoby Ellsbury wearing your pink hat with your ponytail through it, we’re looking three rows back waiting to see when those four guys who have been staring at us the whole game and have been saying how they can’t believe a woman like you is with a guy like me are going to start a fight with me every time you get up showing off your ass in those tight low-cut jeans. Because when we’re not with you, we are those guys!

So ladies, don’t get mad at us when we don’t want to take you to games. We have our reasons. We have our rules. But if there is that rear or possible impending sex occasion that you do happen to be a game date to a regular game or something special like a Red Sox/Yankees game with first place on the line, remember, don’t wear anything pink. Or sexy. But don’t look ugly, find a happy medium. Have one beer and one beer only. Do not make eye contact with any other dudes. Please just look forward and barely move at all. Don’t bust out Brady’s college stats if other people besides us can hear you. Be ready to drive because we’re going to drink like a fish. And definitely, without exception, expect to take us down to the paradise city as soon as we get home. Because after all, we just went on a game date. And thems is the rules.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T