T-pisode 16: I Don’t Say Tomato or Tomahto

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My all time favorite commercial is the A&W Root beer “Mr. Dumass” commercial where the guy on the interview keeps calling the interviewer Mr. dumb ass instead of Mr. “Doo-mahs”. I’ve met a lot of actors in my time but none more awesome than meeting the dude from the commercial a couple of years ago through a mutual friend. I was so hammered when I met him that instead of telling him how I was such a fan, I ended up telling him the story of how I hooked up with a slampig at work hours earlier and asked him to smell my finger. Classy aren’t I? Anyways this post isn’t about who’s classy when they’re drunk. No, it’s about how people say things. And what they prefer to call things. Some people have horrible Boston accents. Ahem! And some people just don’t care and call things whatever the hell they want. Ahem! Guilty again. Here are some such examples.

Cold Cuts vs Deli Meat
You walk up to the guy in the deli and tell him to give you cold cuts. They are cuts of cold meat and cheese. You put them in a sandwich. Deli meat just sounds so stupid.

Tonic vs Soda
Growing up in East Boston every parent told their kids soda was tonic. Not Pepsi. Tonic. Not Coke. Tonic. Every bubbly, carbonated, sweet beverage in a bottle in the damn fridge was tonic!!! Then I went to college and found out how stupid that was. It’s soda. Stop calling it tonic people!

Gravy vs Sauce
This is the biggest versus battle known to man. It goes beyond Boston. Beyond Italians. It’s universal! People have died over this debate. I’ll end it right now. You ready? Gravy goes on pasta. Sauce goes on pizza. If you ask me what goes on turkey, I’ll say brown gravy. Then punch you in the face for being an asshole. It’s gravy. Battle over. Live with it.

Ginza vs Jinza
There’s a Japanese restaurant in Boston that is open late night where you can get sushi drunk after the club. I call it Ginza. My friends call it Jinza. A friend of mine went to Japan and said it’s pronounced Jinza there. Well woop-dee-fucking-doo! I’ve never been to Japan! And I’m not Japanese. That shit is Ginza! Case closed.

Gyro vs Yeero
I’m not Greek either. I have a lot of Greek friends. They can say yeero. But I read it and say gyro. If I was Greek I’d say yeero. I’m not. So don’t correct me my multi-syllable last-named friend.

Shia Labeouf vs Shia Leboof
He’s a douche either way. It just sounds funnier calling the kid Shia Leboof.

Sub vs Hero
A long piece of bread sliced down it’s side and stuffed with meat is called a sub. Because it looks like a damn submarine. Spider-Man is a damn hero. Know the difference.

Appetizers vs Apps
Don’t ever call appetizers apps. Apps are on your iPhone. Appetizers are snacks before the meal. Ok?

What’s Up vs What Up
What’s up is a question. It is asked when you want to know what is up with somebody. What up is like saying hi. Two very different things.

DVR vs TiVo
It’s the same thing. Don’t say TiVO. That’s like saying “I drive a Kia” instead of “I drive a car”. You wouldn’t say that because you are embarrassed you drive a Kia. So just say “I didn’t DVR it” instead of “I didn’t TiVO it” you damn brand name dropper.

Target vs Tarjay
This place is called Target. If you call it Tarjay, you should get kicked in your neck. You’re shopping at Target because your ass is middle class to lower trailer park trash class. Nothing wrong with that. Just don’t say it like the place or yourself should be on Newbury Street or Rodeo Drive stupid. Because it’s not. It’s at a damn strip mall.

Sahkee vs Sahkay
I could go either way on this one. If I order it sober, it’s Sahkee. If I order it after a few Sakes, it’s Sahkayyyy. Because I’m drunk and trying to be annoying. Now whether you think it should be warm or cold. I have no idea. Remember, I’ve never been to Japan.

So there you have it. Before you try to correct somebody, make sure you are right first. And definitely make sure the person isn’t me. Because I say whatever I want. No matter how much it makes me look like an ignorant dumb ass. Because I know it’s Doo-mahs.

Until next time. Always take it there.