T-pisode 29: Don’t Be That Chick

The title is self-explanatory. Earlier this year I put out my “Don’t Be That Guy” post. A lot of people really enjoyed it. Because it was honest and it was balls to the wall no bullshit on calling certain guys out who give real men a bad rap. So now it’s time to call out the ladies. Enough is enough. Some of you chicks are giving the good ladies a bad rap as well. Time to let you know who you are. Don’t be that chick.

“Suspicious as Fuck” chick
Jesus Christ. Am I always thinking about sex? Yes. All guys do. When a hot chick walks by do I think about banging her? Sure do. Will I try? Not if I’m involved with you. You put up with my shit. She probably won’t. At all. I know when I have a good thing. Trust me. Sometimes I just need a night out to unwind with the boys. Drink. Spit. Pick my ass. Swear. We’re unwinding. I’m not on the prowl to fuck. Not all the time like you think. Relax. Stop calling. You’re turning me into “My Girl Always Calls so I Have to Leave Now to Avoid a Fight When I get Home” guy. And that guy is a pussy.

“Hates My Family” chick
Every guy’s family is fucked up. They all have issues. But you know what? Yours does too honey. I just choose not to bust your balls on it! So shut the hell up about mine. I know about my family issues. Been dealing with it way before you came along. Every family has a degenerate, alcoholic, junkie, thief, bitch, asshole, loser, etc. Leave it alone. Limit the family interaction and just focus on what we’re doing.

“I Work Too Much and I Neglect You” chick
You like nice things? Well so don’t guys. You know how we get them? With money. We need a job to get the money. I’m busting my ass now so you, maybe our future kids and future me won’t have to worry about it years from now. No guy loves their job but we have to put the time in to secure our spot at work. It’s a territorial thing. We’re proud and we make sure nobody can fuck with our job security because if we don’t bust our ass, there’s always somebody willing to work harder and take our job. Let us do what we do.

“The Game Isn’t That Important” chick
Are your shoes important to you? Your makeup? Your bags? Your hair? Yes! Well alright then. All I care about are my damn sports teams. It’s the one thing I enjoy so for fuck’s sake let me enjoy the game in peace. Why bust my balls over the game? Why I get so into it? So worked up over a loss? You can’t understand like I can’t understand why you love shoes so fucking much. Just let it be.

“Can’t Decide Anything for Shit” chick
Just make a decision. What you’re going to wear. What you’re going to eat. Where we’re going. Who we’re doing it with. How long we’re going to be there. Why we’re still going out with each other or not. You like me. You don’t like me. You hate me. We’re friends. We’re more than friends. We’re just fuck buddies. Who. What. When. Where. Why. Just fucking decide already and stop wasting my fucking time!

“Gets Drunk & Cries in Public” chick
If you can’t handle your liquor honey, don’t fucking drink. You get drunk and then start going nuts right in the middle of the restaurant, bar, whatever. You make an unnecessary scene over the smallest thing that you escalate into an end of the world scenario and then you unleash holy hell. You are the Anti-Christ at that moment and you look like a fucking idiot. But the worst part? I’m there with you and you’re making it look like I did it to you. Control yourself girl.

“Just One of The Guys” chick
I trust you. No really. But I don’t trust anyone of your fucking guy friends. None! The single. The married. The ex. The gay. The ugly. The retarded. The fat. The burn victim. Not one. Because even though you would never think about fucking him, I am convinced that somehow, some way, if this dude gets you drunk enough, wears you down, starts to make you laugh, compliments you enough in one small way that I haven’t done for you lately, he might find a way to bang you. Because that’s what he’s thinking. That’s his master plan. Trust me on this one. EVERY GUY WANTS TO BANG YOU. And you can’t see it! That’s annoying. Just tell him to go fuck himself or let us all hang out together so I can put the fear of God in him.

“You Should Know What’s Wrong With Me” chick
For fuck’s sake just tell me why you’re mad/sad/crying/yelling/not banging me already. No guy wants to figure it out. You can talk. Shit most of the time you don’t shut up but when you want to, you really know how to be quiet. And it’s the one time I really want you to talk. I need you to talk. Just come out with it already! The game’s on!

“Am I fat?” chick
Look. I don’t like this question. No guy does. It’s fucking pointless. I’m with you because I like you and you’re hot. If you think you’re putting on a few pounds get on the scale, see what it says, then up your cardio 30 minutes. It doesn’t mean you’re fat. Now if I catch you in bed with a bucket of KFC, your ass is fat or on the fast track to being fat. Here’s another super secret T tip ladies: If you’re constantly updating your Facebook about eating, wanting to eat, going to eat or putting up pics of the food you are currently eating? You are already fat or going to be fat very soon and you’re in denial. Seriously. That’s what us guys are thinking.

“Puts Our Business Out There” chick
I regulate the shit out of my social media pages. I only allow certain people to see and say certain things about me. There are different levels of privilege for chicks I’m involved with, chick friends, family members, my boys, people from my past and business contacts. My walls, updates, photos, tags, relationship status, etc. are different for every single person on my friends list. Every one! That’s how a real man rolls. But you?! You psycho who blows up my spot broad, you put our shit on blast for the world to see! Our relationship status. You tag me in photos. You post shit on my wall. You let people know where I was and who I was with. You put up videos. You put everything out there and it’s annoying. Let’s keep that to ourselves. Or on the DL if we’re just starting out and seeing where it goes. Relax honey.

“I Need Attention All the Time” chick
Wow. Your neediness has to stop. I avoid the shit out of chicks like this but sometimes it doesn’t show up right away. But when it does, it is annoying as hell! You know where I am and who I’m with. Why keep asking? Your idea of cute little texts get really annoying after the 20^th one in 10 minutes. The whole, “What are yoooouuuu doing?” phone call every half hour makes me want to throw my phone at your fucking head. The whole jumping in my face every 5 minutes and acting like an 8 year old on a sugar high wanting to play when we’re out and I’m having an adult conversation with somebody in public makes me want to bang all your hot friends in front of you out of anger. You got me. You have my attention. Just slow down and breathe. Go do something constructive already!

“Daddy Issues” chick
I’m the guy you’re banging. Maybe the guy you’re dating. Maybe a boyfriend. Maybe one day your husband. I can be many things to you. But I AM NOT YOUR FATHER. Whatever issues you have or had with your dad have nothing to do with the type of man I am or the relationship we have or might have one day. You and him have to work that shit out. What you didn’t get from him, I can’t give you. Whatever problems you have with him, I didn’t cause and can never fix. Don’t put that shit on me. Ok? Thank you.

“I Think You’re Drinking Too Much” chick
This is almost every chick. At some point. And if you ever find yourself telling the man in your life that “You drink too much” just take a second and think about how annoying you might have been that week. Now you know. So you can stop saying that now.

So there it is. Just some of the “Don’t Be That Chick” labels that no guy and most real women don’t like or want to be. So if you ever find yourself doing or acting like any of the above, stop it. No really. Stop it. It’s not cute, funny or cool. It just plain old sucks. Don’t be that chick.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T