T-pisode 38: Crazy Pet Chick

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If this is you honey, you’re going to die and your cats will eat you one day

I like pets. I really do. Dogs, cats, birds. Whatever. I grew up in a house where my mother had cats. She wasn’t a crazy cat lady but we had two cats. One was an evil bitch. The other was an obese rah-tard. They were cool though. My preference pet is a dog. You read my dog post right? And I think it’s cool when chicks have pets. Really. I dig it baby. What’s not cool is when women become crazy pet chicks and become clueless to the world that now knows they are officially red flagged as bat shit crazy. Seriously. I happen to think that Katy Perry is one of the sexiest chicks around. But I am now totally turned off by her because she named her cat “Kitty Purry” and tweets crazy ass photos of that cat all the damn time. See? That shit turns guys off ladies. You want examples of crazy pet chicks? You ask and I shall deliver!

*Before you all get up in arms, like I said my mother has cats. My sister has had cats & dogs. One of my bullpen ladies has a dog. My cousin’s wife has a dog. All of them are some of my closest people and none of them do any of this crazy shit.

Crazy “I dress up my pet” Chick
Pets are cool. But they ain’t people honey! Stop dressing up that little fucking dog. It’s creepy. Now you’re creepy. It has fur to battle the elements. Are you mentally challenged now? And no that Sox t-shirt isn’t cute. The dog even knows it looks ridiculous. Look at its face! And cats don’t need to wear knitted boots either. WTF?!

Crazy “My pet is my child” Chick
No. Your child would be your child. You don’t walk your kid around on a leash and let him shit on your neighbor’s lawn. You don’t drop your baby off at the groomers to be touched and cleaned by strangers. You don’t help your cat with its fucking homework stupid! This is just frightening when you talk this way and say “I’m a mommy” to this dog that licks its ass out of boredom. Good luck with that shit. You just got facebook blocked.

Crazy “I now have a pet so I’m a vegan now and you should be one too” Chick
Get off your damn high horse. As a matter of fact I will grill up your high horse in front of you! You can own a dog or a cat and still eat burgers. Stop that nonsense. I don’t give a shit how cows and chickens got chopped up and turned into delicious food. Fuck them I’m hungry. Until they are domesticated and able to live in apartments and fetch a tennis ball I’m eating them. We’re not eating your precious Fido or Booboo. Make some sense will you for fuck’s sake?! And if you do decide to become a vegan I’ll respect it but don’t preach your shit to me. Because I will stick chicken mcnuggets in your mouth while you sleep at night to spite you. I love spiting.

Crazy “I take billions of pics of my pet & me cuddling and kissing and show them to everybody” Chick
This isn’t sexy, cute or amusing. It makes me truly believe that you put peanut butter on your vagina and have sex with your pet. There I said it. Everybody is thinking that very same thing too. Don’t deny it. Put the puppy/kitty down and let it go play like a normal pet. Get your freaky ass off the couch and find a constructive hobby. Thank you. Now lose my number.

Crazy “I now have a pet so you won’t ever see me again” Chick
Having a pet doesn’t mean you should disappear. The first few months of owning a puppy I get because you have to train it. A kitten just needs a litter box because it’s stupid. So there really isn’t a need to just fall of the face of the planet when you have a pet. Your friends, family and potential dudes that would bang you all think that’s strange. You’re rushing home to stay in every single night and weekend to do what with it??? Just teach the thing how to fucking text you when you’re out or some shit. It’s not going anywhere. Unless you taught it how to open doors. And the only animal that can figure that out on its own as we all know, is a velociraptor. According to Jurassic Park.

Crazy “Constantly needs to update the world on what my pet is doing” Chick
“Rover just pissed on the piss pad!” “Moopy finally shit in the litter box!” Wow that’s awesome. And I can wipe my own ass. Do you care? No. And we don’t care about your pet’s bathroom abilities either! Nor do we need to see pics of your dog sleeping. Wow. Look at that dog sleeping. I’ve never seen that before. “Here’s Princess Kitty looking out the window.” Holy shit!!! It’s a cat and it’s looking out of the window!!! Who knew they could do that?! I sure didn’t! So glad you posted that pic on facebook because I never would’ve known that! My life is complete now! Pet tip. Just because you think it’s amazing, doesn’t mean the rest of the world does. Jackass. A pet pic here and there is cool. A photo album of 100+ pics daily is downright fucking scary.

Crazy “You don’t have a pet so you wouldn’t understand why I’m like this” Chick
You’re right. I don’t have a pet. But I have two fucking eyes, a brain and some common sense! All that shit combined allows me to see that you are a lonely, crazy chick that is in denial. I’m sorry that some dude fucked you up in the head real good at one time. I really am. But your pet is not a guy supplement. And I’m sure your girlfriends miss you too. So go take a shower. Put on your makeup. Slip on that little “I need to get banged” dress. Be sure to lint brush the fur off first though okay? And then re-enter the single dating life. It’ll be awkward at first. But not as awkward as your life will be if you continue down this crazy pet road. That road ends with you being that smelly lady in the office covered in pet fur that nobody wants to go near only to end up dying alone and then eaten by that precious pet you loved so much so it can only live long enough for somebody to rescue it then has to kill it because nobody wants it. All because you died like an idiot. That is a fact!

So please. For the love of all things normal. Ladies, don’t ever become a crazy pet chick if you ever want to be thought of as dateable again. And your current boyfriend doesn’t get you. Stop lying. He is only going to put up with that shit because he is banging you. Once he finds a more normal chick to bang? PEACE!!! Don’t believe me? Ok. Do you have a pet you’re obsessed about but lost your boyfriend recently and can’t figure out why? Or you’re a woman who just can’t keep a man but can really love a pet? Or can’t find a guy that loves you as much as kitty or puppy does? HA!!! Told you. You’re crazy. Now go get therapy. Thank me later.

Until next time. Always take it there.



  1. Ha! Love this…recently at a club when my friend’s date turned to me and said, “ I think you’re friend’s really hot…But… I don’t think I can handle the whole dogsss thing…Yes, she’s still single…


    1. Haha! Yeah sometimes it’s scary. You can be a pet owner and not be weird. The weirdness will outweigh the hotness almost every time.


  2. I’ve had a friend or two in my time who have viewed their dog as a child and it’s frustrating. I realize they’re alot of work, yes. But a child they are not. “Fur baby” makes me squirm.

    That said, if I could have a rottie, a German Shepard or a Bull Mastif sleep with me at night I’d be a happy, happy girl. I give it two years, tops, and I’ll have one. But his name will be Psycho and will rip heads off for fun. 🙂 Booties and sweaters are for sissies.


    1. Haha nice! My kind of girl. “Fur baby” that’s awesome. Hope you don’t mind if I use that?


  3. You forgot to mention Crazy “Brings my dog in a carry-on case onto an airplane” Chick. Every time I see that case with that stupid ass dog, I wanna open said case and drop kick that dog Anchorman style. Nothing pisses me off more than that chick.


  4. This made me laugh. I have a 13 year old dog that I got when I was 11 (jack russell) and a 3 year old german shep/pit mix. I don’t think I’m crazy, what actually makes me go nuts is when I meet a great guy and then have to determine if I can afford ahem, staying the night with him, or if I should go home and make sure “the beasts” have food, water, and don’t take a dump on my carpet. Kinda makes me want to bash my head on a table. When I am alone, they do sleep with me. A great indicator for a guy? If I’m willing to kick the dogs out of my bed and let them into it. If I’d rather have the dogs instead of him…I probably shouldn’t sleep with him 😉

    The only thing that I find incredibly disrespectful, guy wise, is when I do start getting nervous about my older dog and her health quirks. “It’s just a dog” – well, she’s old, I gotta keep an eye on that kinda stuff!

    However I have a very Homer/Bart Simpson relationship with the 3 year old…Most guys that I bring home absolutely love her (she’s a very “boy” dog, like..she’s not a fluffy little yap trap!) while I’m threatening to choke her for being retarded. Most guys want to take her home. I love that dog 😛

    I haven’t seen the male equivalent of being a crazy pet owner..do you think it’s just a girl thing?


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