I’m a huge MMA fan. HUGE! I’m not one of those fickle fans who jumped on the bandwagon a couple of years ago when the UFC was getting hot either. I was a fan since the early 90s when the UFC was banned in the US and like little 100 pound dudes fought like 350 pound dudes without gloves in consecutive marathon fights. Now it’s regulated, legit and popular. Just look at all the Affliction wearing douches around you. I also train. Not like a pro. Because I have a real life. And I like my teeth. But for the past few years I’ve incorporated Muay Thai, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and Dirty Boxing into my training routine. Anyways, I’m not just an MMA fan I’m also a huge sports fan. As you probably already know if you’ve been reading t-blawg for a while. But there are some sports I just can’t get into. That I actually despise. I think if they took some elements from MMA they might actually get me to watch them. Maybe. Here are “10 Sports T Despises and Maybe MMA Can Help”.
I fucking hate soccer. HATE. With a passion. These dudes run up and down a field that seems like it is 100 miles long for what seems like 9 boring fucking hours only to have the game end in a 0-0 tie. Why would I like this?
How MMA Can Help: If the game is still tied at the end of the 9 hours have 2 players from both teams put 2 players from the opposing teams into rear naked chokes. Whoever taps first loses the game. Simple.
The only sport I hate as much as soccer is NASCAR. These hillbillies drive really really fast and turn left every now and then. That’s a sport?! If your only joy from watching a sport is hoping that some shit blows up and people die, it’s not a real sport!
How MMA Can Help: At every single pit stop the driver has to get out of his car and take 25 shin kicks from a Muay Thai expert before he can get back in his car and start driving again.
Golf is not a sport. I’ll say it again. Golf is not a sport. I played golf once in my life. So I hardly have any experience. But if I can get up hungover out of my mind in Las Vegas to play 18 holes with my buddies where we all puke on the course and start drinking again while we play, it’s not a fucking sport. No way. No how. Because that’s how we did it.
How MMA Can Help: Every time a golfer hits their ball into the water where the fans watching wonder if there’s an alligator in it, the golf refs put an actual alligator in it and the stupid golfer has to submit the alligator to get his ball back.
These so called athletes hit a ball back and forth grunting like retards while some guy on a lifeguard chair keeps score. And I don’t know how he does it. The scoring system makes no sense. How many games have to be played to have a winner??? Why is this stupid sport so confusing? Besides Serena’s giant tank ass what else is there to want to watch?
How MMA Can Help: Loser has to put his tennis racket in front of his face while taking 2 minutes of ground and pound from Brock Lesnar.
Hey call me sexist on this one I don’t care. But women’s basketball is not a sport. It’s horrible. The games end with scores of like 37-22. Those are what dude’s score in like 1 quarter! And if there’s no dunking, it isn’t basketball. Sorry. These chicks can’t dunk. Plus there isn’t a female version of LeDouche James to hate. Every sport needs a villain. And I just hate them all. It isn’t the same. Even that UCONN team. Stop it.
How MMA Can Help: Put a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu pro into the losing team’s mascot costume and have it kick the shit out of the losers immediately after the last buzzer. That shit would be hilarious!
Nobody watches the dudes play. Not since that Tom Cruise volleyball scene in Top Gun. The gayest movie scene known to man. And we only watch the chicks play to see their hot, sweaty bodies. Other than that high note this sport is pointless.
How MMA Can Help: Ban all dudes and just make the chicks have to wrestle each other in a kiddie pool full of baby oil. Actually MMA doesn’t even need to help this sport. Just use my baby oil kiddie pool idea volleyball people.
The lesbian version of baseball you mean? Get out of here. Wouldn’t watch this shit with your eyes.
How MMA Can Help: Just end the sport entirely and take these masculine chicks and put them in the octagon to bang it out. Call it FUFC. Female UFC. Thank me later Dana White.
This sport was once awesome. But it became so corrupted and shitty nobody cares about it. How can I care about a sport that has a 98 year-old, earless, no long-term or short-term memory capable Evander Holyfield still fighting?! I can’t! Manny Pacquiao? Yeah he’s good. For someone the size of a 10 year-old boy who sings karaoke. And until he and Mayweather actually fight, this sport is a damn joke.
How MMA Can Help: MMA cannot help this sport. If you want to see two real men beat the hell out of each other just watch MMA instead. That’s it.
All of the degenerates in my family watched this sport when I was a kid. So they could gamble. It’s basically a bunch of angry midgets riding and whipping the shit out of horses as they race around a muddy track. It’s so damn lame.
How MMA Can Help: Put the midgets in the octagon with the angry horses instead. Let the horses get a little pay back. Watch a midget get horse kicked out of an octagon and laugh as his little body soars 10 rows into the crowd. Awesome!
The Entire Olympics
Hey I’m all about the USA. I love this country. But the Olympics absolutely suck. Summer and Winter. Suck. Nobody gives a shit about those lame ass sports all year round but when the Olympics come on everybody is all of a sudden an expert. A fan. Cheering. Talking like they know and love the sport because the TV told you to. Shut up. They suck. You suck. You faker. Curling?! Really?! You like curling? The tea kettle and ice sweeping sport? Sledding? You like sledding now too?! You really enjoy watching and cheering that shitty team playing basketball that dares to compare itself to the great Dream Team??? Magic Johnson is rolling over in his grave!!! Oh wait. He’s rich. He has the cure. Anyways. The Olympics are lame.
How MMA Can Help: Until they let MMA into the Olympics I refuse to give a shit. So it can’t help. But if the losing country gets taken over by the winning country, now we’re talking! Every country would be USA baby! Or maybe Canada. Oh no. Wait. We don’t want that. Not America Jr.!
Ten sports that MMA just made cooler. Get on it people in charge of the sports I named! Because until you do, T refuses to watch. And how can T do an “Epic Game Moment” blog post for a sport that he refuses to watch. Hmm? Hmm? Think about that shit.
Until next time. Always take it there.