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I’m a huge MMA fan. HUGE! I’m not one of those fickle fans who jumped on the bandwagon a couple of years ago when the UFC was getting hot either. I was a fan since the early 90s when the UFC was banned in the US and like little 100 pound dudes fought like 350 pound dudes without gloves in consecutive marathon fights. Now it’s regulated, legit and popular. Just look at all the Affliction wearing douches around you. I also train. Not like a pro. Because I have a real life. And I like my teeth. But for the past few years I’ve incorporated Muay Thai, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and Dirty Boxing into my training routine. Anyways, I’m not just an MMA fan I’m also a huge sports fan. As you probably already know if you’ve been reading t-blawg for a while. But there are some sports I just can’t get into. That I actually despise. I think if they took some elements from MMA they might actually get me to watch them. Maybe. Here are “10 Sports T Despises and Maybe MMA Can Help”.
Soccer
I fucking hate soccer. HATE. With a passion. These dudes run up and down a field that seems like it is 100 miles long for what seems like 9 boring fucking hours only to have the game end in a 0-0 tie. Why would I like this?
How MMA Can Help: If the game is still tied at the end of the 9 hours have 2 players from both teams put 2 players from the opposing teams into rear naked chokes. Whoever taps first loses the game. Simple.
NASCAR
The only sport I hate as much as soccer is NASCAR. These hillbillies drive really really fast and turn left every now and then. That’s a sport?! If your only joy from watching a sport is hoping that some shit blows up and people die, it’s not a real sport!
How MMA Can Help: At every single pit stop the driver has to get out of his car and take 25 shin kicks from a Muay Thai expert before he can get back in his car and start driving again.
Golf
Golf is not a sport. I’ll say it again. Golf is not a sport. I played golf once in my life. So I hardly have any experience. But if I can get up hungover out of my mind in Las Vegas to play 18 holes with my buddies where we all puke on the course and start drinking again while we play, it’s not a fucking sport. No way. No how. Because that’s how we did it.
How MMA Can Help: Every time a golfer hits their ball into the water where the fans watching wonder if there’s an alligator in it, the golf refs put an actual alligator in it and the stupid golfer has to submit the alligator to get his ball back.
Tennis
These so called athletes hit a ball back and forth grunting like retards while some guy on a lifeguard chair keeps score. And I don’t know how he does it. The scoring system makes no sense. How many games have to be played to have a winner??? Why is this stupid sport so confusing? Besides Serena’s giant tank ass what else is there to want to watch?
How MMA Can Help: Loser has to put his tennis racket in front of his face while taking 2 minutes of ground and pound from Brock Lesnar.
Women’s Basketball
Hey call me sexist on this one I don’t care. But women’s basketball is not a sport. It’s horrible. The games end with scores of like 37-22. Those are what dude’s score in like 1 quarter! And if there’s no dunking, it isn’t basketball. Sorry. These chicks can’t dunk. Plus there isn’t a female version of LeDouche James to hate. Every sport needs a villain. And I just hate them all. It isn’t the same. Even that UCONN team. Stop it.
How MMA Can Help: Put a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu pro into the losing team’s mascot costume and have it kick the shit out of the losers immediately after the last buzzer. That shit would be hilarious!
Volleyball
Nobody watches the dudes play. Not since that Tom Cruise volleyball scene in Top Gun. The gayest movie scene known to man. And we only watch the chicks play to see their hot, sweaty bodies. Other than that high note this sport is pointless.
How MMA Can Help: Ban all dudes and just make the chicks have to wrestle each other in a kiddie pool full of baby oil. Actually MMA doesn’t even need to help this sport. Just use my baby oil kiddie pool idea volleyball people.
Softball
The lesbian version of baseball you mean? Get out of here. Wouldn’t watch this shit with your eyes.
How MMA Can Help: Just end the sport entirely and take these masculine chicks and put them in the octagon to bang it out. Call it FUFC. Female UFC. Thank me later Dana White.
Boxing
This sport was once awesome. But it became so corrupted and shitty nobody cares about it. How can I care about a sport that has a 98 year-old, earless, no long-term or short-term memory capable Evander Holyfield still fighting?! I can’t! Manny Pacquiao? Yeah he’s good. For someone the size of a 10 year-old boy who sings karaoke. And until he and Mayweather actually fight, this sport is a damn joke.
How MMA Can Help: MMA cannot help this sport. If you want to see two real men beat the hell out of each other just watch MMA instead. That’s it.
Horse Racing
All of the degenerates in my family watched this sport when I was a kid. So they could gamble. It’s basically a bunch of angry midgets riding and whipping the shit out of horses as they race around a muddy track. It’s so damn lame.
How MMA Can Help: Put the midgets in the octagon with the angry horses instead. Let the horses get a little pay back. Watch a midget get horse kicked out of an octagon and laugh as his little body soars 10 rows into the crowd. Awesome!
The Entire Olympics
Hey I’m all about the USA. I love this country. But the Olympics absolutely suck. Summer and Winter. Suck. Nobody gives a shit about those lame ass sports all year round but when the Olympics come on everybody is all of a sudden an expert. A fan. Cheering. Talking like they know and love the sport because the TV told you to. Shut up. They suck. You suck. You faker. Curling?! Really?! You like curling? The tea kettle and ice sweeping sport? Sledding? You like sledding now too?! You really enjoy watching and cheering that shitty team playing basketball that dares to compare itself to the great Dream Team??? Magic Johnson is rolling over in his grave!!! Oh wait. He’s rich. He has the cure. Anyways. The Olympics are lame.
How MMA Can Help: Until they let MMA into the Olympics I refuse to give a shit. So it can’t help. But if the losing country gets taken over by the winning country, now we’re talking! Every country would be USA baby! Or maybe Canada. Oh no. Wait. We don’t want that. Not America Jr.!
Ten sports that MMA just made cooler. Get on it people in charge of the sports I named! Because until you do, T refuses to watch. And how can T do an “Epic Game Moment” blog post for a sport that he refuses to watch. Hmm? Hmm? Think about that shit.
Until next time. Always take it there.
T
T-blawg 
Ouch. Why you gotta hate on my boy Manny like that??
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Haha. Because it’s true. Don’t be mad. 😉
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Holy shit. I don’t even know where to start with this. I
guess I can begin with saying I feel good that I’m not the only
person that feels that all the sports you listed blow. It’s good to
know that there are others out there. Nothing drove me crazier then
when people pretended to care about soccer during the World Cup. I
fucking hate soccer, mainly for the same reasons you listed. Was it
cool when Donovan (sp?) scored that game winning goal? Sure. But
that’s only because I’m an American and typically do not like
others. Otherwise the sport is full European dandies who are worse
floppers than the NBA. And the Olympics? For fucks sake. I don’t
care about shit like diving, ice skating, speed skating, etc. so I
certainly don’t give a shit about it for two weeks every four
years. Olympic Hockey is cool. But that’s because Hockey is cool.
Those other sports aren’t. Hockey should breakway from the Olympics
and set something up like the World Baseball Classic. I like things
where America takes on the world, until that bitch Sidney Crosby
ruins it. But hey man, don’t hate on those UCONN women. 90 wins
straight is impressi……….oh who gives a shit? All that their
streak proves is that their team was more bull dykey than the other
schools. I’ve rambled enough.
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Finally somebody else agrees with this list! You wouldn’t
believe how many people bitched to me about it. Grown fucking men.
Like they play these sports professionally or some shit! I like your
hockey idea. Take it away from the shitty ass Olympics and make it
an event on it’s own. Fuck UCONN Women’s Basketball. Yeah nice
streak. Now what? That was for everybody who’s comments I wouldn’t
approve because they took this post where too serious. But keep
reading everybody! Check that disclaimer. It says I will probably
offend you at some point. So live with it.
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ewww people really gave you shit? I can’t imagine someone
legit defending NASCAR. Congrats, you drove in a circle for 5-hours
w/o crashing. And Golf? Tiger Woods was the first person to
actually bring a level of physical fitness to the sport. That’s why
he dominated, because he hit the weight room. Otherwise you have
people like John Daly, Vijay Singh, Phil Mickelson, etc. out there
with beer guts. They only got good at it because they had a lot of
free time in high school. Congrats to them. I was busy doing fun
things. Don’t get me wrong, Golf can be fun, as it is in the
circumstance you described. But I’m sorry, anything where some
d-bag in a visor holds a sign-up asking the crowd to be quiet
before someone swings, is not a sport. Can you imagine quieting a
football stadium so the QB can get the snap count out properly?
I’ll say it again, you nailed it. Anyone who is offended – boo hoo
to them.
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That’s weak you screen comments, what about always take it
there?..weak, and golf is a sport dammit!
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Bro. I get spammed with hundreds of comments a week with
bullshit, people trying to plug their blogs and other senseless
nonsense. Job hazard. Not to mention people trying to blow my spot.
If you have something to say, positive or negative or even funny,
it goes through. Stupid shit? No way. I’ll always take it there.
Anybody else who doesn’t like it can take it elsewhere. This ain’t
a chatroom. It’s T’s house baby!!!
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Ok, right on, good stuff!
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MMA..? Men Moving Around? Morons Mounting Assholes? Monkeys
Making Arsenic? 😉 Ah, Google to the rescue! Mixed Martial Arts.
DUH. :p
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Morons Mounting Assholes would actually fit in some cases. So yes.
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