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T-pisode 58: Top 10 Future Celebrity Ex-Wives

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Arianny Celeste. They don’t get any better.

I’m close to the Hollywood dream. It’s true. My writing is so money and I know it. I just have to convince some other people it is and I’ll be living large. And when that happens I plan on settling down with some famous hot ass chick. I’m thinking it’ll take me at least 10 times to get it right. At least. Because I’m a lot to deal with. I’m picky. I’m crazy. And I have ridiculously high almost unattainable standards. So here are my future celebrity ex-wives. Why? Just because. Every dude has a top 10 celebrity chick list. Seriously. It’s Man Law. He’s lying if he says he doesn’t.

10. Sofia Vergara
Wifey Material: Most people are just turning onto her now because of Modern Family. My boys and I used to watch her every Saturday on Telemundo in high school. So we go way back. She can cook, dance and she’s already a MILF. A great first famous wife I say!
Cause of Divorce: Her Colombian accent and my Boston accent will piss us both off due to lack of communication. The cute will become annoying so fast.

9. Adriana Lima
Wifey Material: I love Brazilian model chicks. I dated a Brazilian yoga fanatic once. She got deported. But she wasn’t a rich Victoria’s Secret model like Adrianna.
Cause of Divorce: A younger, hotter, even more Brazilian Victoria’s Secret model most likely.

8. Zuzana The YouTube Workout Girl
Wifey Material: She’s a fitness freak and has one of the tightest bodies on the planet. Maybe in the universe. I’m a gym nut so this would make sense.
Cause of Divorce: I’m also Italian and I like my food so she would probably piss me off once she takes away my pasta, gravy and bread.

7. Ashley Greene
Wifey Material: I refuse to watch Twilight. I was turned onto Ashley thanks to my buddy that runs Egotastic.com. She is young, hot and an actress. I’ll write a movie for her.
Cause of Divorce: She’ll probably be a bigger star than me and that will cause me to bang one of the other Twilight chicks out of spite. Sad but true.

6. Mila Kunis
Wifey Material: She’s the total package. Hot, rich, famous, foreign, brunette with nice eyes. Perfect!
Cause of Divorce: She is also pretty damn funny on Family Guy. But my house can only have one powerful funny person. And that would be me! See ya Meg Griffin!

5. Rihanna
Wifey Material: She’s hot. Tatted up. Rich. And sings. Yahtzee!!!
Cause of Divorce: I would definitely run around the house all day saying “Umbrella-ella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh…..” Because I’m an asshole. While I would never get sick of it, she most likely will.

4. Maria Menounos
Wifey Material: Boston hottie that likes the same teams as me?! Holla! This is a keeper!
Cause of Divorce: Only because she is friends with Dane Cook. And I hate Dane Cook.

3. Olivia Munn
Wifey Material: Hot, smart and a quadruple threat! TV, movies, writer, sexy. Has a hit blog. She’s like the female me. Except with a nice friggin’ rack.
Cause of Divorce: She likes going to nerdy Comic Con and shit. They wear costumes there. She wears costumes there. And we all know I hate people in costumes. It’s documented. Sorry Olivia. You could’ve been a contender.

2. Megan Fox
Wifey Material: She is the hottest girl to ever exist in the history of existence!!!
Cause of Divorce: Two big reasons…those fucking creepy toe thumbs. Makes me shiver. And she likes losers. Sorry I’m not Brian Austin fucking Green AKA David Silver.

1. Arianny Celeste
Wifey Material: Hot? Check. Brunette? Check. In shape? Check. Likes MMA? Check. Knows that I exist because I stalked…um met her once at the UFC Boston Expo and we occasionally tweet each other on Twitter??? CHECK!!!
Cause of Divorce: None! Arianny Celeste would be my final famous wife. Now somebody please go tell her that.

*Honorable Mentions (AKA “The Women I Will Cheat on my Wives With on The Side”):
Kim Kardashian. For the ass alone.

Kristin Kreuk. Just to piss off her boyfriend. He doesn’t like me.

Sarah Hyland. She’s like a Mila Kunis clone backup plan. But younger.

Eliza Dushku. Come on! She’s a Boston girl yo.

Tara, the doctor chick that Jax bangs on Sons of Anarchy.

Lindsay Lohan. Say what you want, but the ginger is crazy dirty hot.

Mrs. Ari Gold. A true rich milf. And a fictional character.

Angelina Jolie. Because she’s Angelina Jolie!

Jessica Alba. Not because she can act. Because she can’t.

Katy Perry. For her boobs alone.

Any hot chick that reads t-blawg. Seriously. It’s my gift from all of me to all of you.

This is my list. And I’m not crazy. Every guy has his top ten famous chick list. Trust me. I only took it a step further by marrying them. And another step further than that by divorcing them. Shit. I’m insane.

Until next time. Always take it there.

T

8 comments

  1. Certainly can’t argue with this list. Naturally, one of the greatest mysteries in life is how David Silver ended up w/ Megan Fox. Followed closely by how in the hell did Macauley Culkin date Mila Kunis for 5 years?!?! Does that mean the secret to obtaining these hot chicks is being lanky and nerdy?

    And I hate to burst your bubble, but I dont think Kim Kardashian would look twice at you, mainly because you’re not a black athelete (race joke!!!)

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    1. How either one of those guys got Megan & Mila will be two of life’s greatest mysteries and disappointments.

      I think anybody that can extend Kim K’s bullshit fame career has a chance at banging that media whore. I’ll cash that in once I get the fame.

      Who’s on your top ten list?

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      1. I’m literally onboard w/ everyone you named. Especially Sofia Vergara – but she’d without a doubt go Columbian on me and kill me in my sleep.

        But I’d also add in Bianca Kajlich. She was married to soccer “star” Landon Donnovan – so right there I’m already an improvement for her, since she wouldnt have to fake caring about soccer. But she’s also on a show called ‘Rules of Engagement’ along with David Spade. We’d end up getting a divorce because she’s probably friends with Spade and would say things like, ‘oh we should go over to David’s tonight to hang out?’ or ‘David wants to grab dinner w/ us tonight.’ and I’d wouldn’t be able to fake enjoying hanging out with him more than twice.

        I’d also add in Kelly Brook. She was in Pirhanna – and I can’t say I’ve seen any of her movies. But she’s hot, brown hair, and big tits. I don’t think she’d end up being my ex-wife because if she asked me to a commit a crime to keep her happy, I probably would.

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