I’m close to the Hollywood dream. It’s true. My writing is so money and I know it. I just have to convince some other people it is and I’ll be living large. And when that happens I plan on settling down with some famous hot ass chick. I’m thinking it’ll take me at least 10 times to get it right. At least. Because I’m a lot to deal with. I’m picky. I’m crazy. And I have ridiculously high almost unattainable standards. So here are my future celebrity ex-wives. Why? Just because. Every dude has a top 10 celebrity chick list. Seriously. It’s Man Law. He’s lying if he says he doesn’t.
10. Sofia Vergara
Wifey Material: Most people are just turning onto her now because of Modern Family. My boys and I used to watch her every Saturday on Telemundo in high school. So we go way back. She can cook, dance and she’s already a MILF. A great first famous wife I say!
Cause of Divorce: Her Colombian accent and my Boston accent will piss us both off due to lack of communication. The cute will become annoying so fast.
9. Adriana Lima
Wifey Material: I love Brazilian model chicks. I dated a Brazilian yoga fanatic once. She got deported. But she wasn’t a rich Victoria’s Secret model like Adrianna.
Cause of Divorce: A younger, hotter, even more Brazilian Victoria’s Secret model most likely.
8. Zuzana The YouTube Workout Girl
Wifey Material: She’s a fitness freak and has one of the tightest bodies on the planet. Maybe in the universe. I’m a gym nut so this would make sense.
Cause of Divorce: I’m also Italian and I like my food so she would probably piss me off once she takes away my pasta, gravy and bread.
7. Ashley Greene
Wifey Material: I refuse to watch Twilight. I was turned onto Ashley thanks to my buddy that runs Egotastic.com. She is young, hot and an actress. I’ll write a movie for her.
Cause of Divorce: She’ll probably be a bigger star than me and that will cause me to bang one of the other Twilight chicks out of spite. Sad but true.
6. Mila Kunis
Wifey Material: She’s the total package. Hot, rich, famous, foreign, brunette with nice eyes. Perfect!
Cause of Divorce: She is also pretty damn funny on Family Guy. But my house can only have one powerful funny person. And that would be me! See ya Meg Griffin!
Wifey Material: She’s hot. Tatted up. Rich. And sings. Yahtzee!!!
Cause of Divorce: I would definitely run around the house all day saying “Umbrella-ella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh…..” Because I’m an asshole. While I would never get sick of it, she most likely will.
4. Maria Menounos
Wifey Material: Boston hottie that likes the same teams as me?! Holla! This is a keeper!
Cause of Divorce: Only because she is friends with Dane Cook. And I hate Dane Cook.
3. Olivia Munn
Wifey Material: Hot, smart and a quadruple threat! TV, movies, writer, sexy. Has a hit blog. She’s like the female me. Except with a nice friggin’ rack.
Cause of Divorce: She likes going to nerdy Comic Con and shit. They wear costumes there. She wears costumes there. And we all know I hate people in costumes. It’s documented. Sorry Olivia. You could’ve been a contender.
2. Megan Fox
Wifey Material: She is the hottest girl to ever exist in the history of existence!!!
Cause of Divorce: Two big reasons…those fucking creepy toe thumbs. Makes me shiver. And she likes losers. Sorry I’m not Brian Austin fucking Green AKA David Silver.
1. Arianny Celeste
Wifey Material: Hot? Check. Brunette? Check. In shape? Check. Likes MMA? Check. Knows that I exist because I stalked…um met her once at the UFC Boston Expo and we occasionally tweet each other on Twitter??? CHECK!!!
Cause of Divorce: None! Arianny Celeste would be my final famous wife. Now somebody please go tell her that.
*Honorable Mentions (AKA “The Women I Will Cheat on my Wives With on The Side”):
Kim Kardashian. For the ass alone.
Kristin Kreuk. Just to piss off her boyfriend. He doesn’t like me.
Sarah Hyland. She’s like a Mila Kunis clone backup plan. But younger.
Eliza Dushku. Come on! She’s a Boston girl yo.
Tara, the doctor chick that Jax bangs on Sons of Anarchy.
Lindsay Lohan. Say what you want, but the ginger is crazy dirty hot.
Mrs. Ari Gold. A true rich milf. And a fictional character.
Angelina Jolie. Because she’s Angelina Jolie!
Jessica Alba. Not because she can act. Because she can’t.
Katy Perry. For her boobs alone.
Any hot chick that reads t-blawg. Seriously. It’s my gift from all of me to all of you.
This is my list. And I’m not crazy. Every guy has his top ten famous chick list. Trust me. I only took it a step further by marrying them. And another step further than that by divorcing them. Shit. I’m insane.
Until next time. Always take it there.