So many people jumped on the “Bucket List” bandwagon after that awful movie came out. A bucket list is a list of things you want to do before you die. Before you kick the bucket. Get it? Good. I’m going to live a long ass time. And I’ve accomplished a lot already. But so much left to do. Before I’m married. There are things you can and only should do while you’re single. And in some people’s eyes, marriage equals death anyways. So I came up with my “Marriage Pail List”. The things I want to do before I get married and single T dies. Some seem easily accomplishable. Others seem downright fucking nuts. But that’s how I roll. I present my “Marriage Pail List”. Another original T creation!
Visit the mother country. Italy. And rock it like Russell Crowe did in “A Good Year”. Except with Italians and not with those French people like he did in France.
See at least 3 Wonders of the World. Including Kim Kardashian’s ass and Katy Perry’s boobs.
Learn how to play craps and then win and lose at least $350K.
Learn how to ride a motorcycle and jump some barrels behind a fast food joint ala “Fonzie” style. Heeyyyyyy.
Build something that I will use. Probably a weapon of sorts.
Bang twins. At the same time.
Get into a fight with an 80s WWF wrestler and finish him off with a “Rotunda” elbow.
Fight Jason Giambi. One more time.
Jump out of an airplane “Johnny Utah” style. Vaya con dios brah.
Steal a car one last time. Just because.
Bang the one I never did because I messed up by banging her friend instead.
Go fishing for sharks. Catch one. Then baseball bat its head in once I get it on board the boat.
Get married and then immediately divorce a reigning Playboy Playmate of the Year in Vegas.
Win the Oscar for Best Original Screenplay.
Put Brian Austin Green into an omoplata in front of Megan Fox and make him cry.
Surf at least once. Also like “Johnny Utah”.
Join the mafia.
Have a conversation with Kevin Smith, Howard Stern, Matt Stone & Trey Parker and Quentin Tarantino.
Join the Mile High Club with a former Disney starlet slampig.
Have a dance off with MC Hammer. Dressed as MC Hammer. Fucking awesome.
Make at least $100 million from one of my fantastic, entertaining creations.
Punch Justin Bieber dead in the middle of his fucking face.
Go back in time in a flying Delorean. With Doc.
Find out if they put crack in Nutella. That shit is good!
Learn how to play only Tupac songs on the piano.
Perform Big Pimpin’ with Jay-Z on stage. Then go in the back and bang Beyonce while he’s on stage performing the rest of his songs.
Set all the animals free in a zoo then watch all the videos of them attacking people on YouTube.
Run the bases in Fenway. Backwards.
Send my mother on an all expenses paid trip to Tahiti for as long as she wants.
Get into a life or death situation like Indiana Jones where my “T” hat falls off as I barely roll under a lowering stone wall with enough time to grab my hat before it closes.
Get into an argument and use George Costanza’s “Well the jerk store called and they said they’re running out of you!” insult. Owned!
Convince Eddie Murphy to go back to being funny Eddie Murphy and do a stand up show old school “Raw” style.
Get every asshole mascot banned from professional sports.
Crash on an island with Kate from LOST. Kill Sawyer and Jack right away. I’m not stupid.
Host my own late night talk show.
Put out a celebrity sex tape with Sofia Vergara and tweet about it. Constantly.
Find out why Entourage turned to shit and make somebody pay for it in blood.
Start a channel that only plays tv shows starring Tiffani Amber Thiessen.
Find out how ALF ended. I can’t remember.
Find and enter the world’s biggest UNO tournament and fuck shit up!
Learn how to speak a language fluently that isn’t English, Italian or Bostonian.
Find a crashed spaceship from out of space. Somewhere. Anywhere.
Drive cross-country from Boston to Los Angeles in an old ass convertible and rock each and every fucking town I enter. T style.
That’s my “Marriage Pail List”. If you don’t have one, start one. Now. And if you’re married and living a life of regret, get divorced and start one. You only get one go around in this life. Make it count. T style of course.
Until next time. Always take it there.