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So many married people say to me “You know what I would do if I was single?” Then proceed to give me what they think is advice. Or their poor attempt at humor. With a tone that makes me want to punch them in their throats. It’s so annoying. So condescending. So sarcastic. Making insane statements about how they would be so awesome if they were single. More awesome than any other single person out there. Like all us single people are doing it wrong. Fucking sons of bitch bastards. I don’t judge you so why do you judge me? You can’t tell someone how to live their life. Now, most of my close married friends are very respectful. But every now and then I come across a douchebag married couple that gives me shit. So. Here’s my advice back. Here’s my shit back. And you all know T can give it back when he wants to. Here’s my “You know what I would do if I was married?” post. You’ve been warned.
You know what I would do if I was married?
I would be having sex with my wife and my wife only.
You know what I would do if I was married?
I would be spending time with my kids instead of having them raised by their grandparents.
You know what I would do if I was married?
I wouldn’t be on Twitter or Facebook pretending to be single to meet girls.
You know what I would do if I was married?
I wouldn’t be hanging out with my ex.
You know what I would do if I was married?
I wouldn’t be working for somebody else making them rich while I live paycheck to paycheck.
You know what I would do if I was married?
I wouldn’t be in debt out my ass relying on help from my in-laws.
You know what I would do if I was married?
I wouldn’t be a fat fuck who eats like shit and doesn’t work out.
You know what I would do if I was married?
I would be able to satisfy my wife.
You know what I would do if I was married?
I wouldn’t be bitching to anyone who would listen about how my life sucks.
You know what I would do if I was married?
I wouldn’t go to Disney once a year just for the sake of telling people we go to Disney once a year.
You know what I would do if I was married?
I wouldn’t inundate my friends with pics of houses, cars, kids, vacations etc. constantly to try to one-up them in life.
You know what I would do if I was married?
I would never say that high school or college were the best years of my life.
You know what I would do if I was married?
I wouldn’t rely on my single buddy to set up every night out to make sure I have a good time.
You know what I would do if I was married?
I would never struggle to remove my ring in my left pocket when meeting a beautiful woman.
You know what I would do if I was married?
I would never pay to bang whores at a whore house and say “Every married guy does it.”
You know what I would do if I was married?
I would never put my hands on my wife or kids.
You know what I would do if I was married?
I would never tell my kids that they couldn’t be anything they wanted to be in life.
You know what I would do if I was married?
I would never expect my wife to say or do anything for me that I wasn’t already saying and doing for her.
You know what I would do if I was married?
I would never have to buy a big ass car or boat or jump out an airplane to prove that I am still a real man.
You know what I would do if I was married?
I would still have my own identity and not become “Oh. He’s married now that’s why.” guy.
You know what I would do if I was married?
I wouldn’t put my kids in every sport, school and activity just to one-up other people’s kids because for fuck sake they’re kids!
You know what I would do if I was married?
Most importantly. I wouldn’t talk down to my single friends about how they live their lives because I would remember that they are my friends and would know the difference between giving honest, heart felt advice and being a douchebag.
Now how was that all you condescending married dicks??? That’s some messed up cake right?! Pretty harsh. Well. Now you know how it feels. All you awesome, non-judging married couples out there? Keep it up! You rule! The rest? Smarten the fuck up. Thank you.
One of my harshest posts or just good ol’ T truth? You tell me. Here. Twitter. Facebook. Buzzfeed.
Until next time. Always take it there.
T
T-blawg 
Well I am in debt up the ass and bitch but only to you and my in-laws are not able to bail me out so I guess I get the pass on those two.
Always take it there!
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I know your situation. The people who are not in your situation and do these things are the douches. You are not a douche. No pass needed. There are some couples we BOTH know who are the douches by the way!
Always take it there!
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Bravo my man..BRA-VO!
The 2nd one is my favorite. Also hell with a bunch of Disney. My kids say Disney and I do everything in my power to change the subject. I am anti-Disney. Does that make me an awful parent? Maybe. Do I care? No. I feel like the soup Nazi when they bring it up..”No Disney for you!” because that is one vacation I don’t know if I could make it through.
Keep Rock’n my friend.
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Not a Disney mom? That is rare!
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I sense a little bit of anger or fed-up’ness in this post, T. 🙂 Am I correct?
The list is solid. To me, the mark of a man is not his age on a calendar, but his character. Doing the right thing even when no one is watching. I think you’ve got that, friend.
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This came from years of being fed up. Had to get it out there.
And thank you. I pride myself on being honest all the time. 😉
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Ha…just read this…if you had a like button I would hit it…Yeah, their a lot of married people who love to judge cause they can’t stand their own reality…It’s pretty simple ,if you want to be single, don’t get married. You don’t want to watch your kids, don’t have em. And, the identity thing is key…Sidenote: for the guys slipping off the ring in the pocket to talk to another woman, they need to realize, you attract what you are, your wife will get you back one way or the other…just saying
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