T-pisode 95: Office Sex. Don’t Do It!

Posted by
This is how it starts. Like a damn porno. I’m telling you!

Ah office sex. Some say it’s taboo. Some say it’s wrong. Some say it’s dangerous. Some say it’s stupid. And you know what? They’re right. Because I know. Because I’ve done it all when it comes to office sex. It’s cool to become friends with people you work with. Hell after college, work and friends of friends are the only ways you can mostly make new friends. But banging them?! NO! How am I an expert? Am I just talking shit? How do I know? Well I’ll tell you some stories that gave me this profound knowledge. I did all the wrong things that led to these conclusions! I was stupid. I was young. I liked danger. But mostly, I was horny. Learn from T here people. Please. I’ll save you the trouble. I’ll save you the embarrassment. I’ll save you the frustration. I’ll save you from losing your job. I’ll save you from heartbreak. Yes, heartbreak. Because all those things happened to me. I’ll break it down for you. Learn from my office sex experiences people. Office sex? Don’t do it. These experiences cover the whole messy office sex spectrum.

My first office sex experience happened when I was in my early 20s. It was with an older chick in another department. She was cool. She was cute. She had an amazing apple ass. And she was married. We flirted a lot. One night we hooked up after the office holiday party. After that she started to talk about leaving her husband and wanting a relationship with me. I thought that was crazy as fuck and told her so. It didn’t go over too well. But she got the point. I did too. No issues really after that between us because I avoided the shit out of her and it put me on the straight and narrow at work for the next few years. Then I hit the wall. Big time. I left that company and ended up working with these 2 chicks. They were friends. Good friends. We all became friends. One was in a serious relationship but looking to get out. I became her “emotional work boyfriend”. Yeah I know. Stupid. That work boyfriend title is a fucking joke. No man deserves that. I actually fell for this chick. Then she broke my heart and the asshole in me came out so I started to hook up with the other chick out of spite. Just straight sex shit. She ended up having a boyfriend while this was going on too. She was also a weed/ecstasy/cokehead. I didn’t touch the shit but she did. Too much. Between the 2 of them, tons of lies and the shadiness that took over both my professional and personal lives, I was a mess. Both chicks then became bat shit crazy. It spilled into the office. I almost killed one of the managers. And in the end, I left the company and both chicks kept their jobs but still ended up hating me. See? Office sex usually starts off fun, but there will always be casualties. Always.

Two years later I ended up working with a chick at another place. So not my type. But she threw herself at me every single day. Every single day! So I finally gave in. I banged her in my office “Basic Instinct” style. She was a total slampig. Then I started to hook up with a chick that worked for her. She was a young Brazilian hottie yoga enthusiast. So hot. I actually liked her. Our hooking up led to dating. Which was rare for me. We kept it out of the office. This went on for a couple of months. Her boss the dirty slampig was suspicious. But we didn’t care. Then it turned out my hottie was in the country illegally. The Feds came and deported her ass. WTF?! Random right? Only me. I think the slampig boss blew the whistle. I can’t prove it but the psycho most likely did. After my hottie got shipped back to Brazil, I quit that place and went to another company. At this new place was a hottie intern. I stayed on the straight and narrow for about the first 2 months. Then her internship ended and we banged like jackrabbits as soon as she punched out at 5:00PM on her last day. She was young. In college. And kept those odd college chick hours that they keep. I was a grown ass man with things to do. So, she got on my nerves after 2 weeks. This was it for me. I was done. She was my last office sex hookup. I retired from office sex. I went out with a bang. Literally. They raised my jersey to the rafters. My office sex wild oats were sewn. That was over 3 years ago. Enough of this shit.

See what I’m saying? This was not a bragging post. This was a I was stupid so you don’t have to be post. What did we learn about office sex? Don’t do it! But if you must do it you horny stupid son of a bitch bastard, make sure it’s:

not with somebody in your department;

not with somebody in a relationship using you as a way out;

not with a crazy ass career killing sex fiend psycho;

not with somebody who calls you their “work boyfriend/girlfriend”;

not with a way younger college intern who annoys the shit out of you constantly;

not with somebody who oversees your responsibilities like a manager who can get your ass deported;

and definitely not with somebody whose responsibilities you oversee and can go all HR on your stupid ass.

But I’m telling you. Don’t shit where you eat! Don’t dip your pen in the company ink! Don’t make your vagina a corporate mouse pad! Wait, what? Anyways. Nothing good comes from office sex. Unless of course you do it right. Which you really can’t ok? And now you know. And knowing is half the battle…wait did I just quote GI Joe???

What do you think? Have any office sex stories? Are you in the middle of an office sex story? Did your office sex story have a happy ending? ZING! Holla at me! Get the tweeting, facebooking and buzzfeeding!

Until next time. Always take it there.