This T-pisode is not one of my famous “T Does Some City in 3 Paragraphs” T-pisodes. Oh no. It is the opposite actually. And like we all learned from Seinfeld, salmon is the opposite of tuna because salmon swims upstream Jerry. Wait what? This is not one of my crazy adventures. This is my “Staycation” T-pisode. But that name is stupid. “T-cation” sounds way better! And with my staying at home and not travelling for a week that also means my usual craziness does not go down. Everything is quite calm and normal when T stays home for his vacation. Actually, shit is pretty lame…sometimes weird even. A man like myself can get bored out of his friggin’ mind when he’s not working. Or writing. Or womanizing. Or causing entire civilizations to crumble. Not too long ago I had a few vacation days to take from the day job where I just stayed home and absolutely did shit the entire time. Which is a rarity for me. What goes down when T forces himself to do nothing? When I take a “T-cation?” Here you go!
Birds are assholes
Every day I woke up to fucking birds chirping like assholes right outside my window. Whenever I wanted to stay home and sleep in I found out that I couldn’t do that. I have asshole birds that chirp from 3:30AM to 4:00PM right outside my bedroom window. They suck.
Blind dogs know people directions
I learned that the old black lady that lives downstairs likes to drink 40s on the front stairs and yell directions to her old blind dog all day from like 4 blocks away. Yeah. The old blind dog walks slow. Slower than the old lady. So she walks down the street and yells directions to the old blind dog. I have know idea how that dog knows the difference between “Turn right Jessie! Right Jessie! RIGHT I said!!!” from left but that fucking dog turned right every time!
Daytime TV sucks ass
What the fuck happened to “Saved By The Bell” being on all damn day on every channel??? I couldn’t find that show at all. That was the greatest show ever. End of story. All of life’s questions can be answered in one episode people. I was so lost.
My friends don’t like me
I texted my friends all the fucking time out of boredom. Mostly offensive shit. I got a lot of “I’m working!” and “Stop bothering me.” and “What the hell is wrong with you sending me this at work?” texts back. So of course I texted them even more.
I went to the gym in my pajamas. To the store in my pajamas. To the movies in my pajamas. Everywhere I went I went in my pajamas. I didn’t give a shit. And no one was around during the day to judge this man in his pajamas. It was awesome.
Personal hygiene went right out the fucking window
I didn’t shave the entire week. I only showered when I worked out. I smelled wicked. And not a single shit was given. T-cation fuckers!!!
I Googled everything. EVERYTHING!
One comes up with some sick shit when playing with Google with no one around and nothing to do. I hope the feds never pull my Google records from that week.
I found out that I still know every word to the “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” theme song
No really. I do.
R movies on regular cable should be illegal
I watched Scarface, Goodfellas, Casino and Diehard on regular TV. All of the swears were dubbed by other peoples’ voices and I wanted to punch kittens every time “motherfucker” was replaced with “mother lover.” “Yippeekiyay mother lover?!” Shit makes no sense.
Old school TV watching is still fun!
Remember when you used to watch TV upside down on your couch as a kid? Well it’s still fun when you’re a smelly, grown ass man in his pajamas on a T-cation. Trust me.
I would just stare at my iTunes and think of random shitty songs from my childhood to search for hours and get way too excited when I found them and downloaded them. “They have MC Brains ‘Oochie coochie’ for 99 cents??? YES!!!”
World Champion Push-Up Master
I can do 217 push-ups in 3 minutes. Call Guiness and let them know. Then call an ambulance.
Deep thinking revelations
Did you know the Snorks were meant to be underwater Smurfs? And that SilverHawks were based off of the ThunderCats? TigerSharks too! And I found this little remix gem of my favorite movie scene ever. YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY SIR. Yep. YouTube and Wikipedia were my best friends that week. We did everything together.
So there you have it. That’s what a T-cation is. It is basically absolute nonsense. I am not one to sit still and not work. Not do something. But if you ever get to take some vacation days and stay home and do shit, I guarantee you will ABSOLUTELY be able to top every single damn thing I did that week!
Until next time. Always take it there.
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