T-pisode 170: T WILL NOT Become Ted Mosby

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These two assholes
These two assholes

For a huge part of my life I’ve been Barney Stinson. Well actually Barney Stinson is me. Well how I used to be. I can claim that because the things I’ve done in my life happened way before “How I Met Your Mother” even aired its first pilot episode. Bro Code Barney? Yeah that’s me. Awesomeness? Yeah that’s me too. The suits? Yeah I rocked them. Being legendary? Are you serious bro?! I have over 170 legendary stories!!! They’re called….wait for itttt……T-pisodes. But there have always been two big differences between T and Barney. One…I don’t lie like Barney does. I’m actually the polar opposite with the hard refreshing truth working for me with the ladies like the way lies work for Barney. And two…Barney is a gay married man in real life. T is…well was just like the guy you’ve read about for the last 3 plus years on T-blawg. Except now I’ve grown up. And now unfortunately, I think I’m friggin’ turning into Ted Mosby. Wait, what?! Let me explain.

I hate Ted Mosby. I think he is the dumbest dude character on television. He is wimpy, whiny and a disgrace to all real male TV characters like Tony Soprano, Eric Cartman, Jax Teller, Homer Simpson, Larry from “Three’s Company,” George Costanza, The Fonz, Johnny Drama, Spike the Vampire when he was evil not good, Pacey Witter, all the dudes from “It’s Always Sunny,” Zack Morris…etc. Ted Mosby is a damn pussy. Robin is a useless character. Lily & Marshall are cool because they’re like every married couple I know. Except they actually still hang out with their single friends while mine don’t. I have to GO hang out with them! Fuckers. I keed!!! Not really. Back to Ted Mosby. Now Ted goes on and on in every damn episode about how he can’t meet a good woman. Every episode! The rub is we all know he finally does meet a good woman because that is the entire point of the show. But his journey there is an annoying, spineless one. One that I am trying to avoid. Unlike Ted, I don’t whine. I go after what I want and whether I succeed or fail I still manage to learn a lesson and turn it into a funny tale. That’s how I’m still Barnyish. But like Ted, I do date and try to no avail it seems sometimes. And like him I’m starting to think I may have met her already and didn’t realize it? I’m not sure. Maybe T-blawg is my “sitting on the couch telling MY kids all the things I’ve been through before I met their mom” opening sitcom show monologue or some shit? I don’t even know at this point. I just know that my ego will not let me become Ted Mosby! Even Barney is starting to grow up and wants to be with a good chick! WTF?! THAT’S ME!!! I’M BARNEY!!! Not Ted Mosby. Even writing his name annoys the shit out of me. Ted stupid Mosby.

What did I learn in this T-pisode people? Absolutely nothing. Well maybe I learned that I should stop watching “How I Met Your Mother” because it’s starting to make me angry like LOST did. But just like LOST I’m committed because the end is near and I see things through to the end once I commit. Seriously I do. And I heard “HIMYM” is ending next season. FINALLY! I hope they kill Ted Mosby. Then I’ll take his wife. Become his kids’ daddy. Teach that son of a bitch. But all crazy talk aside, I can’t become the guy that dates and dates with no big pay out at the end. That can’t be T’s destiny. I’ve been through too much when it comes to this dating shit. When it comes to women. When it comes to life. If Ted Mosby can finally find his one true love then so can’t T. When “T-blawg The TV Series” is out and crushing all other shows in its timeslot, the last episode will be me marrying the mother of my future children and fading to black. Boom. That story will have been told. On to my next great adventure. Some day. Until then, I’ll keep dating and keep hating Ted Mosby I guess. That fucker.


Until next time. Always take it there.