This is probably the most current, raw and emotional T-pisode I have ever written. I am at a very low point and I know you are all not used to seeing a side of me like this. There have been clues on the site itself and on Twitter and Facebook lately. I know I have been out of character and I’m so sorry. I haven’t been this low in over 2 years. I’m not looking for sympathy. That’s not who I am. I’m a positive guy and I’m known for always telling my stories as honest and as entertaining as possible. This T-pisode will be honest but I’m not sure how entertaining. But you should know that I have had my ass handed to me in every way, shape and form the last two weeks. So much so that I actually contemplated shutting down T-blawg and all my social media for the immediate future. I really did. The streak was going to end here today at 235. I was going to walk away for a bit. But I couldn’t do it. I owe all of you more than that. And here it is.
Just over two years ago I shared a story about having the worst Winter ever. Mostly because of my mother dealing with lung cancer surgery. She recovered and the rest of my life was on a high for the two years after that. Well last week she had to go back in for another cancer surgery on her other lung. She made it through the surgery and now we are awaiting next steps. You read this site. You all have an idea of what my mother means to me and what she’s done for me. Also, about 3 weeks ago I suffered an arm injury while training for Warrior Dash. It was originally diagnosed as an inflamed tricep. I had to stop training and I couldn’t compete in the Warrior Dash with the team I put together. I felt that I let them down. I tried to do a push up today. I fell over. I have no strength in my left arm and my index finger is still completely numb. I can’t sleep. Less than usual that is. I can barely write because of the physical pain and the emotional shit I’m going through. So I need to see the doctors again to find out what is going on and get this fixed. I am also absolutely slammed over my head at my day job. And I really can’t take the time off to work on my personal issues outside of the office. I am conflicted and exhausted. Last but not least… You have all obviously figured out that I was in a relationship recently. Yeah, me. This wasn’t just a relationship either. The way we were going….it was serious. It was love. I’m not going to share the personal details of our time together, this site is about me and I don’t have the right to write about her life. Even though she gave me the ok to share details here and on social media, I never should’ve. It did more harm than good. We just ended recently during all of this. It wasn’t my choice at first. And the way it ended absolutely sucked and destroyed me. This happened while all of this other shit was going on and all I wanted to do was be with her during this. But I couldn’t. I just wanted to see her. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t talk to her. Make her laugh like only I could. I couldn’t hold her in my arms until she fell asleep and wake her up once all of this blew over. I’ve went through a lot on my own in life but I didn’t want to be alone this time. I wanted her. But she wasn’t there. I’m hurt, angry, scared and worried. All feelings I never had to deal with. At least not at the same time. But this is all too much right now. I unleashed a little on social media. I wanted to vent. Women in my personal life have reached out to me while we were together and now while we were breaking up. But I don’t want them. I wanted her. T-blawg groupies smelled blood and reached out. But I don’t want them. I wanted her. I wanted to fall back into my old habits and go on a tear of women and debauchery but I won’t. I’m a better man now. I’m better than that. I wanted to write a scathing T-pisode directed at her to all 70,000 of you and bury her with words but I can’t. Because all the good we had when we were together means more to me than the bad we’re going through right now. And I refuse to hate someone I loved so damn much. And I’ll miss her with everything I have in me. I really will. I lost a close friend and the woman I loved.
My mother will heal. My arm will heal. My mind will heal. And my heart will heal. I always bounce back. It’s what I do better than anyone I fucking know, except my mother. Because she is the strongest person I know and I can’t quit at this fucking crazy thing we call life because of what she put inside of me. But even the strong have to hurt once in a while I guess. And I am hurting in a way that I never felt before. I’m getting it every way possible. But thank God for all my friends and family who have reached out to me. I fucking love you all and thank you so much from the bottom of my crazy heart. Which actually exists for all of you who thought I never had one. Because now I know I have a heart because of how much pain is in it right now. You all mean the world to me. Especially those going through their own personal and health battles. I’ll always be there for you too. Always. Even you people who come here every Monday and everyday who don’t know the guy under the hat. I see your messages, comments and tweets. Thank you for caring. You all are the fucking best. So with that, I’m done. Time to heal. Time to bounce back. Time to bounce forward actually.
Until next time. Always take it there.