T-pisode 5: Don’t be That Guy

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Ever go somewhere and come across the most annoying/drunk/pitiful/weirdest dude you’ve ever met? Better yet, have you ever gone somewhere only to find out the next day that you were the most annoying/drunk/pitiful/weirdest dude that those people have ever met?! Yep. We’ve all been there. Don’t deny it. We’ve either crossed paths with or have been at one time the person some of us label as “That Guy”. Nobody likes running into “That Guy”. And surely nobody ever wants to be “That Guy”. And the only way to avoid being “That Guy” is to warn others to “Don’t be That Guy”.

There are a lot of different types of “Don’t be That Guy” categories that you never want to fall under. These categories will also help guide you and let you know what to avoid when out in the wild. I’m here to help you thanks to my years of experience in life. Heed my words wisely. Here are some of my “Don’t be That Guy” categories. Some even have sub-categories or related categories. All of it is information that will help you improve yourself. Ladies, this will benefit you as well!

“Gym Douche” guy:
This is the guy who’s only goal in life is to make your workout as uncomfortable as possible. He walks around for hours talking on his phone getting in your way. He is most likely wearing a wife beater and an Ed Hardy bedazzled hat or an Affliction beanie. He looks at himself in the mirror all the time. Even when texting. Dude, who are you texting at the gym?! “Yo bro! Just maxed out at 275. Sickkkkk!” He walks around with a protein shake. Really dude?! You can’t have a shake after your workout like the rest of us? Or are you afraid that “Does Everything Naked Gym” guy will brush his junk up against your shaker in the bathroom. That I understand. And please stop using 7 things at once! It’s impossible to work your legs and shoulders at the same time when the squat rack is on the other side of the gym even if you left your towel there only to run back and say “I was on that”.

“Blame the Single Guy” guy:
This guy is either married or in a serious relationship. This guy has no balls. None. Because every time he goes out and either comes home late or drunk or smelling like a strip club, he blames his single guy friend. Man up dude. Your girlfriend already hates your single buddy as it is you dick! Your single guy buddy didn’t pour that fifth shot of patron down your throat. You did! He didn’t make you go drink a few after the game got out. You’re the one who didn’t want to go home to be with and I quote “My miserable wife”. And your single guy friend didn’t order you another lap dance. That was most likely “I Blow My Check at Strip Clubs” guy or maybe “I Pay for Sex” guy who did.

“Sports Stats” guy:
Whether you are at the game or watching it at home or at the bar, don’t be the guy who gives every single stat on every single player, game, team, coach, field, cheerleader, ref, mascot….whatever! Shut the hell up! I’m watching the game! (Also see “I Could’ve Made That Play” guy.)

“Drunk as Fuck” guy:
This guy is a mess. Plain and simple. Dude, do us all a favor and just eat and pound a lot of water before you go out. That’s it! What the hell is your problem?! Because of you we get into fights. Get kicked out of places. Scare off hot women. Eat shit food at 3AM and get fat. Have memory problems. Have to take one for the team with ugly, huge chicks. You’re a mess and you need help! We’re still going out Friday night though right?! Sweeet.

“I Ignore my Round” guy:
You are “Drunk as Fuck” guy’s evil step brother. You know damn well when it’s your turn to buy the next round! But yet you strategically disappear when it’s your turn but somehow reappear when somebody else is ordering. It doesn’t matter if you are dead broke or make $150K a year. It’s the principle. When you go out with your boys each of us takes a turn buying the next round. Claiming to have bought shots for yourself and 3 dirty sluts at the bar over there does not count as your round if your buddies didn’t get a shot stupid. And I don’t care if you drink Captain & Coke every single round and then get yourself a Coors Light when it’s your turn to buy. As long as you buy your round, we cool!

“Occasional Stalker” guy:
Man, you have to learn how to take a hint! She doesn’t like you! Finding her number on facebook does not count as getting her number. You following her on Twitter does not count as dating. You finding out where she is going from her status update or tweet and then showing up at that club does not count as talking to her! And stop hanging out with “Forms a Circle to Watch Hot Chicks Dance but Never Dances With Them” guy. We know you’re lonely. And that you mean well. But you’re killing us “Almost Normal, Just Have a Few Issues to Work Out Then I Can Commit” guys!!!

I hope this was informative. And I expect to see some improvements. Thank you.

Until next time. Always take it there.