T-pisode 65: T Does Niagara Falls in 3 Paragraphs

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Back to you fuckers!!!

*I’ve decided to do a series of blog posts that capture my travels throughout my life. In 3 paragraphs. I’ll post them every once in a while. Some places I’ve been to a few times, others only once. And some I will probably never go back to because of what went down there.

Niagara Falls is what I like to call “Frozen Vegas”. It’s kind of like a backwards, bizarro Vegas with lots of ice and those crazy oddball Canadians with their pretend Monopoly game money. But it has the casinos, the sports, the hotels, the gambling and of course the dirty ass strippers like Vegas. I’ve been to Niagara Falls on the Canadian side a couple of times. My sports buddies and I like to do our almost semi-annual trip to watch the Patriots shit all over the Buffalo Bills. We book the 3 day weekend getaway around the game but the game itself is such a small part. We used to stay in Buffalo itself but then we realized that Buffalo sucked. The team. The people. The city. All suck. There’s nothing there! So one year we decided to stay in Niagara Falls and that changed everything. Because that place is so weird but awesome!

Niagara Falls itself is just a giant stupid hole with water. Seriously. And nobody goes over the damn thing in a barrel! I was pissed when I found that out! Fucking rip off. All you do is go over to the railing and look at the stupid water. That brings me no joy. Where the strippers at yo?! The only thing I liked doing was pulling a Bruce Almighty and saying to every stranger I met at that stupid hole “BACK TO YOU, FUCKERS!!!”. It was hilarious. All 200 million times that me and my buddies said it on the trip. Yeah. We were those annoying, drunken American sports guys. So what. We could kick all of Canada’s asses. But mostly before and after the annual trashing that the Pats give the Bills, we spend most of our time gambling, drinking and at strip clubs.

Vegas may have hotter strippers, but in Canada these crazy Canadian chicks work hard for that Monopoly money. And us drunken Americans for some reason don’t acknowledge pink and teal bills with chickens and riverboats on them as real money. So we just stupidly give that shit away. I won’t get into it here. Again, Bro Code. But these strippers do some awesome acrobatic nasty moves for that money. And that alone is pure entertainment. Factor in the money you just won at the casino and the joy of being in another country where everybody says “Eh” and “Aboot” after watching your team kick some ass, you got yourself one hell of a guys 3 day sports weekend baby! Niagara Falls is an entertaining yet weird place and I enjoy myself every time I go there. Because having fun on a guys trip is what it’s all aboot. But I love Boston the best. Eh.

Until next time. Always take it there.



  1. Never knew Niagara Falls could be so much fun. Like you, I look at is as just a giant hole w/ water. Big deal, my shower does the same shit. So I never knew that there was chance that there would be strippers there!!! Don’t Canadians use coins as higher doniminations of money (I have no idea, because I’m an uncultured boob)? But if they do I could imagine that being fun to make the strippers work for, and I’d certainly make 6.5 million coin purse jokes as they danced.


    1. Their dollar bills are coins. Everything higher is brightly rainbow colored paper. I recommend a trip there man! It’s a great time. Wait until you go into the casinos. It’s like upside down Vegas in a giant igloo with hockey players as card dealers. It’s surreal the first time there.


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