Festivus. My favorite holiday of them all! It was created by the father of a writer on “Seinfeld” and made popular on the show years ago and I along with hundreds of other people (“Seinfeld” fans, Wikipedia users) have been celebrating it ever since. It happens on December 23. Two days before Christmas. Its tagline is “Festivus for the rest of us.” Its purpose is to have a holiday for the people who refuse to get caught up in the insanity of the other holidays during this time of the year. And its traditions are unmatched.
What are the traditions of Festivus? Well there is the “Festivus Pole” instead of a tree. A plain pole without any decoration. There are the “Feats of Strength” where the party isn’t over until the head of the household is pinned to the ground. There are “Festivus Miracles.” Like that crazy little crackhead ginger Lindsay Lohan finally dying by mysteriously getting impaled by my “Festivus Pole” so I can collect my 7 year celebrity death pool money on her! And then there is my favorite tradition of them all. The “Airing of Grievances!” This is the part where you get to tell everybody how they have disappointed you over the past year. If you need a refresher, here are my lists of people and things that have disappointed me the last two Festivuses: Last year and the year before.
Now it’s time for this year’s grievances. I present Festivus 3!!!
Look. I’m all for shaking shit up. Causing a ruckus. But I usually do it when I have an end goal in mind. You idiots are protesting just for the sake of protesting! You don’t know what you want. And most of you are rich, college kid yuppies living off your parents who never struggled a single fucking day in your lives. Shut up. You made a mess of Boston and now that it’s over I have to pay to clean it up. Take your 99% or 1% or 38% privileged ass back to school and fucking learn something!
People who say “I can’t even”
What the hell does that even mean? “I can’t even with this….” “I can’t LOL…” This is 2011’s “I miss your face.” It’s fucking dumb. Put a fucking sentence together already will you?! Stop it.
The Great Boston Earthquake
Did you feel that??? No. What? Was that an earthquake or am I taking a stroke?! That was the entire Boston earthquake. So stupid.
All my boys officially married
You guys suck! I love you all but you’re leaving me in the fucking trenches alone out here. Sons of bitches. I’m now the last man standing. Great.
Boob head breaking t-shirt/dress thingie trend
Every year I have a hot chick trend on here that is hot but I don’t know what it’s deal is? This year I have seen so many hot chicks out wearing like these Elmo or Super Girl or some shit top dress thingies that are like ripped on top and show off some serious cleavage. I don’t know what it is. I’m a dude. But it’s hot and very distracting.
Too much psycho info too soon girls
I don’t want to know about your crazy past on date one. I don’t want to know about how many dudes you banged. How many drugs you did. How many marriages you were in. How many times you were stabbed. What the fuck??? Do you not know proper date one small talk stupid?! That’s some crazy shit right there!
Charlie Sheen people
Charlie Sheen’s epic collapse was entertaining for like a week. All you assholes who kept the “winning” and “tiger blood” shit going for all those weeks and months after only proved that you are the most unoriginal, not entertaining assholes to ever live. Oh you’re not even close to winning my friend.
Useless. To the Pats. To the fans. To twitter. To Boston. Fucking useless. Fuck you Chad. Fuck you as a wide receiver. Fuck your unfunny tweets. Fuck your stupid Prius. But your girl is hot. Nice job there bro.
Ahhh. My groupies. Yes I have some. Not the lovely ladies who enjoy the site or allow me to relentlessly flirt with them on twitter. No. They’re not groupies. I’m talking about the ones who track me down. Send me naked pics. Well that part isn’t so bad. But I mean really?! I’m just a regular guy telling my stories trying to make people laugh. That’s it. I’m not your prince honey. And my bad that I actually may have met one or two of you this year and gave you false hope. But if your ass tracks me down and you’re getting naked after 2 hours of meeting me….you’re a groupie honey and you will be treated accordingly. That means, not like a lady. But no more. I’m all set. Thanks.
I know the economy is still unstable. But damn. If you’re cheap then take that act elsewhere. It’s old. You are no longer allowed to hang out with me. I don’t need any leeches in my life. Bro Money Code. Peace.
This was actually a funny part of the past year! Everyone was all up in arms about Irene. She was going to come in and do some serious damage. We were all supposed to die…well not really. But we were supposed to like get really wet and blown. That’s what she said. And nothing happened! That’s what she said again. Irene was a tease.
This son of a bitch took the Bruins Stanley Cup victory to whole other level. He was all over Boston. Partying. Showing off his tattoo. Showing off his big nose. Bro. Thank you for winning the Cup. Seriously. But learn how to celebrate like a normal Boston pro athlete! This is Titletown brother. We’re used to our athletes being out and about and just chilling. Take a free shot. Turn one down. Drink the champagne. Pass on it. Whatever. Just chill the fuck out next time you win the Cup and don’t party like a douche for 4 months straight! Thanks.
Panicky food shoppers for disasters
You assholes fucked up my food shopping this year! I food shop once a week. I’m in and out in under 20 minutes. That’s what she said. But when the weather is acting the fool you all act the bigger fool and crowd the supermarket and fuck up my shit! I hate food shopping enough as is so if you get in my way while doing a panic shop, from this moment forward I will slam my shopping cart over your head Rowdy Roddy Piper with the coconut to Jimmy Snuka’s head style!
2011 Red Sox
Oh you motherfuckers. We the fans cheered you on when you sucked in April and May. We fucking carried you into a Summer when you went 2 and half months of being the best team in baseball. Then the worst epic collapse to ever happen happened in September. We didn’t know what was going on. It killed us. Then after the season we hear the truth about all the bullshit that was going on?! Hey Red Sox, FUCK YOU from a lifelong fan. No seriously. And you have yet to address the fans properly. Where is the apology??? You fucked us good. Every Sox fan should protest this season. Opening Day at Fenway for it’s 100th anniversary should be empty. Don’t go to the game. Don’t be a Pink Hatter. Let our anger be known.
If peanut butter is my crack then Nutella is my heroin. If it had a vagina and boobs, I’d be all set.
Greedy douches. I’m not going to one game during this shortened season. Nope. I’m giving my Celtics ticket money to charity. I’ll watch the games but I’m letting it be known that I’m disappointed. The NBA screwed a lot of good arena workers, vendors, local bar workers, restaurants etc. out of jobs. That pissed me off. So they get NOTHING from T this season! YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY SIR!!!
Facebook Changes Complainers
You know, just fucking unfriend me before I unfriend you. Is your life that uneventful that you care that much about stupid Facebook changes? I stay on top of social media and business trends. You know how I feel about the upcoming changes once I hear about them even before most of you? Not a single fuck is given. Not a one.
That day will come. Tick tock bitches. Tick tock.
Kim Kardashian Fans
So let me get this straight ladies who love Kim K. You’ll watch her show. Buy her shit. But get mad at your man when you catch him looking at porn??? What am I talking about? Come here. I have something I need to show you. It’s on my desktop. Ready? YEP! That’s Kim K getting boned doggie style by Brandy’s untalented jerk brother. So your hero is an overexposed porn star. She’s famous for being a whore who marketed herself to women who can’t think for themselves. Check and mate!
My HD cable/DVR/Wireless Internet all went out for no reason. I went 5 days without all that shit. Then finally Comcast sent a young Mr. Miyagi who scaled the side of my building like Spider-Man and fixed it. Fuck you Comcast! Thank you Spidey Miyagi!!!
What happened on 09/09/09? What? Nothing? What happened on 10/10/10? Wait. Nothing again? And what exactly did you think was going to happen on 11/11/11 then??? Keep that dream going buddy!!! 12/12/12 is definitely going to be the big one! I’m sure of it!
Hot Chicks Who Whine on Twitter!
You’re a hot chick! Why the hell are you whining??? Your problems are like nothing compared to the rest of society’s problems! The world doesn’t pity hot people. Now shut up and post another hot pic on Instagram for me. Thank you.
Facebook Couple Profile Pics
Ok. Those pics? Yeah. They may be cute and all romantic and shit to you. But your friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, business contacts…shit, even your parents think you are an idiot. It’s gross. Did you lose your own identity now that you’ve found Jimmy a whole 2 months ago honey? Did you get your balls cut of Billy since you started dating Melissa last week? Take the fucking couple profile pics down you assholes. I speak for everyone you know on Facebook. Trust me.
Too Fast Tweeters
Haaaaa!!!! WHAT?! Steve Jobs is dead??? Oh snap I gotta tweet it first so all my followers who I never even met in real life will see my tweet first and then I’m going to be soooo kewwwwlllll. Hahahahaha. Assholes. I hate all of you who do this.
What grievances would you like to air about who and what disappointed you this past year??? You know you want to do it. I would love to know! You know how to reach me people.
Until next time. Always take it there.