*I’ve decided to do a series of T-pisodes that capture my travels throughout my life. In 3 paragraphs. I’ll put them up every once in a while. Some places I’ve been to a few times, others only once. And some I will probably never go back again because of what went down there.
Ah jolly ol’ London England! The mother country…..right? I don’t know. I do know that this was the first time I was sent on a business trip for work where I was pretty much well behaved. I know! Crazy right? I was both pissed and envious of myself at the same time. This trip really let me know that my ass was growing up. I was asked to go to London as a representative of my department this past Summer. It was an international event and we had about 24 people from 17 different countries. Four days and all business. It was an amazing opportunity. Mind you, up until this trip my only exposure to London were Guy Ritchie movies, Clockwork Orange, Austin Powers and Harry Potter. I had no idea what the fuck to expect in London. But I was pumped! Plus I finally would have the chance to get my first stamp in my passport. Stupid ass Bahamas didn’t give me one when I went on that hell cruise. And Canada, AKA America Jr. doesn’t do stamping. So I practiced my “bloody ‘ells,” my “cheerios,” and my “ello govnuhs” and London was on!
Heathrow airport is the size of a city. I had to walk at least 16 miles. At least. To a train that they call the Tube out there but turns out it wasn’t the Tube but a regular train that took me to a Tube station where I had to get a cab that looked like a mini-cooper hearse. Still with me? This cab driver gunned it down the streets Jason Bourne style on the opposite side of the street for no reason! He was cool as shit. My office and hotel were in the “City.” London Town (that’s what us familiars call it) is kind of like NYC in the way that it is broken up in boroughs. My hotel was right at the corner where I could turn and walk The River Thames. London’s version of Boston’s Charles River. I had to work my ass off the entire time. 12-13 hour work days with the 5 hour time difference from Boston then 2 hour group dinners didn’t leave much time for exploring or banging hottie local chicks. But I did get away for a few hours one evening and walked The River Thames. Which unbeknownst to me, brought me to The Eye. Which is an hour long ferris wheel where you get to see Big Ben, Parliament (insert your National Lampoon European Vacation joke here like I did), all types of important castles and shit, a building shaped like a pickle and a bunch of flats (AKA apartments). It was pretty sweet. It filled my temporary touristy hunger.
After my sight seeing adventure I walked through the city and went down every little side street and into every nook I could find. I’m from Boston. No one was going to whip my ass. All the dudes out there were 80lbs rocking skinny jeans. Plus they were all so fucking nice! I don’t know if it was the proper English accent but everyone was nice. And not everyone was from England. London really is an international hub. People from so many different countries just chilling and working and being nice and shit. This niceness was overwhelming at times. Tons of smoking hot women too. They all looked and dressed like models. Except for the ones with bad skin and crooked teeth. That stereotype is real. And there wasn’t any happy medium with the food. I think it had something to do with the water but the low end pub food and sandwiches tasted like dog shit. But the high end restaurant meals were some of the best I ever had! As I walked around London I could only think about how great it would be to come here on a real vacation with a chick instead of finding a chick there and handling my bizness T style! This showed me how much I’ve changed by thinking this way. Plus I really loved this place. And now I really want to bring my mother and nieces there because it would be awesome for them to see some real life castles. I want to go back to London. Again and again. It is now my second favorite city. Only behind Boston. I didn’t see any flying kid wizards or any organized “Lock, Stock & 2 Smoking Barrels” crime. Maybe next time. Because London is amazing. But I love Boston the best.
Until next time. Always take it there.
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