T-pisode 131: Enemies With Benefits

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Oh yeah sure. It really works like this Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake! You liars you!

There is no such thing as “Friends With Benefits.” Pretty bold statement to start this T-pisode no? Let me explain. As I go through this world enjoying the opposite sex I have learned a lot through trial and error. And probably one of the biggest lessons learned is that two people of the opposite sex cannot be friends with benefits. Oh sure it starts that way! You both agree to “just have sex without getting feelings involved” and think like stupid idiots that it will work. HA! I laugh at you! Because I can now laugh at myself. I was one of those stupid idiots at one time. I mean I’m still a stupid idiot when it comes to other things but not this shit! Not anymore! As much as I love Mila Kunis and even enjoyed the movie “Friends With Benefits” they got it all wrong. In the end feelings came out and yet they still managed to get together and date. Bull fucking shit.

Why bullshit T??? Because you CAN NEVER DATE IF THE SEX COMES FIRST. Never. Whether you had a one night stand and then want to date or the two of you were friends first and decide to have sex even with “ground rules” it will not work. Those ground rules go right out the window and feelings will always, always, always show their stupid faces. Just like in the movie. But in real life there is no happy ending. Because in the end both of your asses will end up hating each other and nothing will ever be the same again. You will never speak. You will never be friends again. I know because I’ve done this a few times in my day. So what should you do? What is the “go-around” to this? Well ol’ T is going to tell you of course! Ready? For it to work you have to be “Enemies With Benefits.” WHAT? That’s right. The two of you just can’t be friends. You have to downright despise the person. They have to despise you. Like fucking loathe each other! Then you will never, ever fall for the person and they won’t fall for you. Who are these mythical sex enemies I speak about??? Here are some perfect examples: Your buddy’s girlfriend’s friend who always bad mouths you. Who doesn’t laugh at your jokes. Who rolls her eyes when you speak. She absolutely hates you. But trust me, she wants to fuck you. Notice how she still comes out even when she knows you’re going to be there? See?! Who else? Well know the friend of that one girl you briefly dated who used to tell her how much you sucked? That you weren’t good enough for her? Yeah. Go call her now. Bang her. Just sex, no feelings. How about that chick from high school who thought you were an asshole and you thought she was a bitch but yet you now flirt on Facebook years later? Who “likes” all your shit? DM her now. Tell her the two of you are going out. Tonight. Thank me later.

You see people, hating someone upfront negates all “good” feelings. Save those “good” feelings for people you like. People you want to date. People who want to get to know you and spend time with. You’re not supposed to fuck your friends. They know you. All of you. They actually care about you. No “ground rules” for sex benefits will ever work because you two actually respect and like each other. Someone you don’t like? Someone you actually hate? Well that is TRUE “No Strings Attached” sex! Some have even dubbed it “Hate Banging.” That’s when you get all those insults and digs and animosity for each other out of your systems through some good old sex. And trust me. You will not give a shit about talking after. No texting the next day. No wondering if you should go on an actual date. No thinking about when you will see each other next. And you will not feel one of those “good” feelings about your “Enemy With Benefits” that you usually feel because of all that stupid shit that happens with a “Friend With Benefits.” So remember. Don’t fuck your friends. Fuck your enemies. In more ways than one. ZING!


Until next time. Always take it there.




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