T-pisode 158: Festivus 4

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Surprisingly I still managed to find some shit to be upset about this year
Surprisingly I still managed to find some shit to be upset about this year

Festivus. My favorite holiday of them all! It was created by the father of a writer on “Seinfeld” and made popular on the show years ago and I along with hundreds of other people (“Seinfeld” fans, Wikipedia users) have been celebrating it ever since. It happens on December 23. Two days before Christmas. Its tagline is “Festivus for the rest of us.” Its purpose is to have a holiday for the people who refuse to get caught up in the insanity of the other holidays during this time of the year. And its traditions are unmatched.

What are the traditions of Festivus? Well there is the “Festivus Pole” instead of a tree. A plain pole without any decoration. There are the “Feats of Strength” where the party isn’t over until the head of the household is pinned to the ground. There are “Festivus Miracles.” Like every crazy T-blawg Groupie getting impaled by my “Festivus Pole” like Lindsay Lohan last year and staying out of my life forever! And then there is my favorite tradition of them all. The “Airing of Grievances!” This is the part where you get to tell everybody how they have disappointed you over the past year. If you need a refresher, here are my lists of the people and things that have disappointed me the last 3 Festivus holidays: Festivus 3, Festivus 2 and Festivus 1.

Now it’s finally time for this year’s grievances. I had a great 2012! But I managed to find some things to complain about to keep the Festivus tradition going. I present Festivus 4!!!

Every 2012 Holiday
As a single man during the 2012 holiday season I wanted to punch every happy couple I saw walking down the street. In 2012 it worked out that I was very single during each and every holiday and I think the years of being single caught up to me. I’m a pretty happy guy but I was bitter as shit during the holidays this year. Fuck the holidays from this year. Bring on the 2013 holidays!

The New York Giants
The “special” Manning brother owns Tom Brady’s ass. Yep. I hate to admit it but it’s true. This team is the Patriots kryptonite. I hate the New York Giants and Eli Manning.

Fake Ass People On The Interwebs
I know you in real life. You are NOTHING like that. Stop being fake as fuck. You’re not a politician. You’re not saving the world. Relax.

“Fucking iPhone”
If you have an iPhone then you know what “Fucking iPhone” means. You text someone “What’s up?” and your iPhone changes it to “I want a flying midget to shit on me.” and you hit send without realizing it changed it to something so insane so you immediately text what you originally tried to say followed by a “Fucking iPhone” text to make sure you let that person know it’s your iPhone that’s crazy not you. Go home iPhone, you’re drunk!

Mitt Romney and President Obama
This is what we had to choose from? Really?! I think everyone should vote no matter what. But these two options were the worst yet. Both have been disappointments. I live in Mass and I live in the US. So I know firsthand. I made my choice but I really didn’t like the options. I’m voting for Ben Affleck and The Rock in 2016 & 2020.

The 2012 Boston Red Sox
Fuck you all. Moving on. Ready for a few bridge years.

Call Me Maybe
This song and every parody of it almost destroyed the world. It was played out in about two days and the people who kept it going are on my list of “People T Is Still Going To Cut One Day.”

The Tupac Hologram
What the shit?! Worst. Idea. Ever.

Lebron James and David Stern
I have never seen a more deliberate attempt to hand somebody a championship and try to make a guy the next Michael Jordan. It was disgusting. The NBA and Ledouche are a disgrace to all sports. And I guarantee Stern WILL make an NBA finals between the Lakers and the Heat this year. Mark my words.

Instagram Addicts
How many fucking pictures do you need to put up in a day??? You’re not that hot. And that food looks mediocre at best even with the filter. Photoshopped selfies and your shitty lunch?! This is the best you can do?! Assholes.

T-blawg Groupies…Again
Yep I swore you all off. But it’s funny how some of you found each other. Like a support group or something. Good for you! But remember, I know what you did. When you did it. How quickly you got naked and did it. And I remember how some of you badmouthed each other before you became BFFs. Badmouthed your own family members. Your own “friends.” You all have daddy issues and intimacy issues. Not T issues. Stop projecting. I’ll leave it at that. But I ain’t mad at ya. Got nothin’ but Love for ya.

The Olympics
And not a single fuck was given from T. Even you fake ass people who claimed to enjoy it did not really give any fucks. You liars you! Doesn’t make me any less American. Just makes me more honest than you.

The Guy At Work Who Is Afraid of His Wife And Kid
I NEVER want to be you. NEVER. Your conversations on the phone with them give me nightmares that keep me up at night. You have no sack bro.

Good Girls That Went Bad This Year
That was the only thing you had that the others didn’t. Now you’re just like the rest of them. And that’s just sad. Bye.

Dane Cook
You’re an unoriginal, unfunny, comedy thief and I let you know it and then I took away your Boston card. So you blocked me on Twitter. I win fucker. I win.

Kidney Stones
Really?! What the fuck was that all about??? That shit hurt. NOT cool man. Not cool. I almost died.

Pussy Stalker Ex-Boyfriend Guy
Excuse me everyone while I go old school T here. I apologize. This is directed towards one person specifically. The rest of you can skip ahead. I insist that you do. I know that you’re reading this kitty cat boy. She left your whiny, lame, weak ass and then finally dated a real man. Me. And what did you do? You stalked me. You stalked T-blawg. Told her family that I was a bad guy. I was bad for her. You judged me. And bad mouthed me to her like a little bitch. Out of my gentlemanly respect for her and what she meant to me at one time, you still have a jaw that works. But once she leaves Boston? I WILL come see you eventually. Tick tock. Tick tock.

Honey Boo Boo
What the fuck is this? Anyone watching and supporting this shit is a sick fuck. This kid needs help. And needs to be adopted ASAP. Where’s Angelina & Brad?

Another lockout? And you wonder why you’re the “4th sport” that no one is interested in. What a joke. Fuck the owners and the players.

Drake & Taylor Swift Idiot Chicks
I can’t stand women who are obsessed with these two dopes. They quote them. Tweet them. Idolize them. Really? Ok. Drake is a former Canadian child TV star that is rich, Jewish and white. And now he tries to live the thug life. What? He has no street cred. He is a joke. Biggie & Tupac are waiting for him to die so they can kill him again. Taylor Swift? The girl has banged over 10,000 dudes before the age of 21, wrote like 5 break up albums with about 100 break up songs blaming the dudes. Oh it’s definitely all the guys’ faults for sure. She’s so innocent. That little slut is Kim Kardashian without the fucking sex tape. All you idiot chicks need new idols. Go read a book instead. For real.

Fucking Hipsters
I never really had a problem with hipsters until recently. So I say fuck all you rich kids trying to act like you’re poor but are really funded by rich yet neglectful parents. You’re polluting my beautiful city of Boston. Clowns.

iPhone 5 Idiots
I love all Apple products. I’ve been all Apple for 17 years. Like I said up top, I have an iPhone. What I don’t have is the ability to be a complete iPhone douchey know it all every time a new iPhone is about to come out. You people are annoying as fuck and need to get off this planet immediately. Shut up no one likes you!

These things are for people who want to be funny and like to take credit for something someone else created. Stop it. And I’m sorry but some people just weren’t meant to be funny. Deal with it.

I said this dude was a talentless son of a bitch the second he went viral. Too many people are quick to make assholes rich & famous for doing nothing. Now it turns out he’s an anti-America douchebag and you all made him rich. Fuck him. Fuck that song & dance. And fuck everyone that supports people like this.

Snooze You Lose Chicks
When the texts stop. When the calls stop. When the jokes stop. When the kind gestures stop. That means the T Boat has sailed off. For good. I’m done.

Piece of Shit Lesser Men
I just added this after the school shooting tragedy. Maybe it’s because of everything I’ve been through in my life but I think harming women, kids or pets are the worst things you could ever do. I’ve beaten the shit out of other dudes. I would probably do it again if I had to. But I would never hurt a woman, a child or a dog let alone kill them. That’s why I went hard after Chris Brown on Twitter. That’s why I despise the shit out of Michael Vick. That’s why this shooting really hurt with me being an uncle. Go hurt and kill yourself pussy pieces of shit not someone or something that can’t fight back. Try me if you want to get hurt you cowards. I promise, I can and will hurt you.

The Mayans
Fucking Mayans and their 12/21/12 end of world shit. And all those idiots who fucking believe them. Really?! I’ve survived 10/10/10, 11/11/11, 12/12/12, Irene, The Great Boston Earthquakes of 2011 & 2012, Sandy and about a thousand chicks who tried to kill me! Bring on that Mayan end of the world shit!!! Oh wait…what if this is the last T-pisode ever??? One hell of a way to go out. Now excuse me while I go get laid and empty my bank accounts bitches.

Happy Festivus!!!

Until next time. Always take it there.