When I was in high school I wrote for the school newspaper and two local newspapers as well. This allowed me to receive a scholarship to take part in an international arts program before my senior year. I then got into college as a journalism major. About 3 weeks into college life I found out that journalists got paid shit and I changed my major half way through freshman year. No way was I going to college to come out poor. Hell I went in poor. But one of the assignments I had to do for a class was to write my obituary. I was 18 years old when I did it. That was a long ass time ago. I guess being influenced by rappers like Tupac, Biggie & Jay-Z, I like to think of T-blawg as a recording of my life. Like gangster rappers who rap about their lives and deaths, I wanted to take another crack at my obituary right here on T-blawg. I fully expect my friends and family to take this T-pisode and use it as my obituary some day. If they don’t, I swear to Baby Jesus I will come back and haunt each and every one of them. I’m a ball buster alive, can you imagine what I would do as a ghost?! I present my obituary.
T was born an awesome little baby. So awesome that even though this little baby almost died at birth he looked death in the eye and said “I’m not dying. I just got here. Go fuck yourself.” And that’s when the world first got to see exactly how T rolled. Growing up in the tough Boston neighborhood of “Eastie” where everyone had a story. Had a struggle. T’s was different. A lot more struggle led to one hell of a different story. That story was well documented on the website T-blawg for 5 years which later became “T-blawg The TV Series” which ran on the air for an amazing 26 seasons. Breaking the record of “The Simpsons” as the longest running television show of all time. People still watch the show in syndication in over 42 countries. The phrase “Always take it there” became the most quoted quote in the history of history. T gave his friends, family, writing, women and the city of Boston his all. He especially gave the women his all. As T would say “Pun intended.” He loved Boston. Some say “T is Boston.” That is why Fenway Park was renamed “T Park” in 2021. The world famous “T-blawg Pose” of T’s handsome, half covered face permanently etched on the Green Monster is also permanently etched in the hearts of millions. No…billions. Especially the hearts of women. After single-handedly saving Hollywood, T went on to solve the world hunger problem. Just because he could. Then finally after his 8th failed marriage and 12th evil, hellspawn son, T met the love of his life. Sheila Kunis-Brady. The granddaughter of Mila Kunis and Tom Brady. 42 years T’s junior. But he was perfectly fine with that. Even though he was an elderly man at this point, his super sperm mixed with the powerful Kunis-Brady lady eggs produced by his wife, T finally created 3 perfect human beings. The greatest actor of all time winning 17 Oscars in just 5 movies; the most famous female model of all time who managed to combine Victoria’s Secret, Playboy & Sports Illustrated forming the mega model company with the weirdest name ever “Sports Boy Secret;” and the greatest athlete of all time who played for the Red Sox, Celtics, Bruins and Patriots bringing 45 championships to Boston sealing its fate as the greatest city of all time! Finally, being 137 years old and breaking one last record as the oldest man alive, T rested on his deathbed. He asked to meet with all of the great grandchildren of all the women he dated and did him wrong from his past. One by one the little children entered his room. As each of them approached T he whispered in their ears “Your great grandmother was a slampig.” And as they each walked away crying T had enough strength to giggle. After telling 321 little kids that their great grandmothers were sluts, T asked for his Red Sox hat. His wife still beautiful and somewhat young handed it to him. As she reached in T told her “Never marry anyone else or I will cut you.” He tucked his Sox hat low one last time and faded to black. T took it there to the very end.
Until next time. Always take it there.