It is well documented that men can be assholes. I mean just go back and look at T-blawg. I have had my fair share of being an asshole. It’s what us men do. It comes naturally to us like the way crazy comes natural for women. Don’t deny it. It’s a fact. So I’m taking my “Bro Code” there. There isn’t going to be anything nice about this one. This chapter is a dark one. There are times that bros just become assholes. Sometimes without thinking. Sometimes it’s planned. But sometimes it’s just downright necessary for a man to be an asshole. Hopefully you use your assholeness only when it is required but here are the times when every bro gets to just be an asshole. I present the “Bro Asshole Code.”
Getting drunk…to get stupid
Hey sometimes a guy wants to get drunk and do something stupid. Get drunk and hook up with the slutty chick in the bar. Get drunk and beat down that douchebag that bumped into you earlier. Get drunk and do the Running Man in the middle of the dance floor thinking you are the greatest dancer of all time! It’s ok. Do it. You are the asshole tonight.
Mad at her? Let her text. A lot. Then just wait and send back a simple yet lonely and somehow offensive to women “k” and watch how pissed she gets dude. Just be ready for no sex. For a little while. And you are an asshole, k?
Making her late for a change
Sometimes a woman will make you late to things because she can. Oh yes. They all play this little game. So when it’s her “bestie’s” or “twinsie’s” birthday or its time to meet her parents or whatever the hell it is, take your time bro. Fall asleep. Pretend you’re choking on a roast beef sandwich. Whatever. Time to make her late and teach her a lesson. She’ll probably stab you in your sleep but it will be totally worth it. Not really.
Beating up her ex
Again, walk away until you can. Be the bigger man. Try not to fight if you can. But every once in a while you just have to throw her ex a beating and put the fear of God into the kid because you just don’t like him. Just make sure you win. And win big for assholes everywhere.
Every once in a while as a man you want revenge. Revenge on your enemy. Revenge on your ex. Revenge on a total stranger because you’re crazy like that bro. We’re men. We plot. We plan. We get angry. We get revenge. Just make sure you hide the body out of state dude. Wear gloves. Have an alibi.
“Your daddy failed you. Not me honey.”
Stop taking shit for what her daddy couldn’t or wouldn’t do for her. You are your own man and your relationship has nothing to do with the one she has/had with her father. Stand up for yourself bro. Maybe even punch her dad too. I don’t know.
Punking a dude
If a dude is talking shit anywhere. At the gym. At work. At the bar. In traffic. Online. Wherever. Punk him. Just with words. Show him you are the more intelligent bro and you are better with words. Put him in his place. And if all else fails just say to him “Say hi to your mother for me.” Boom. Punked.
Not buying her that thing she’s been hinting at forever
Fuck that bag! Fuck those red bottom shoes!! Fuck that watch!!! She deleted the last 3 episodes of “Sons of Anarchy” off the DVR to make room for “The Bachelor” dude! Friggin’ tell her ass “You lose! You get nothing. Good day sir.”
Explaining how Disney lied to her as a little girl
She’s not a princess. You are no Prince Charming bro. You just scratched your ass and sniffed your fingers. Reality check her ass! Tell her she isn’t a princess. Stop being delusional honey. Guaranteed she sets your old baseball cards on fire though.
Banging her friend
Just make sure you’re broken up first idiot.
No response at all text
Only thing worse than the “k” reply text? No response at all. And such a dick move too.
Busting your bro’s whipped balls
If your boy is completely whipped by his woman? I mean completely. Like in every way possible? Then be an asshole to him until his sack grows back and you at least get your boy back for one night only. Bust his balls until her cries. Fuck him. He brought this on himself!
My seats are better
THIS is the one time you are allowed to be a one-upper. If you are at the same game as your bro and you have better seats then it is your bro responsibility to be an asshole and let him know it. Take pics from your seats and send them to him. Boom. You are quite the asshole sir. But at least your seats are better.
Cutting the line
Real men don’t wait in lines. Whether you know the doorman or you are willing to pay bucks to cut a line? Do it. Cut that line. Be the big asshole that walked by everyone else in line, smiling and totally owned that shit just because you could. But don’t do it every time. Because then you stop being an asshole and you become a douchebag. Don’t be that guy bro.
So there you have it. The dark side of Bro Code! The “Bro Asshole Code.” Every guy can and should be an asshole on the occasion. It’s ok. Just don’t abuse your asshole powers bro. No one likes a total asshole. But a part time asshole is cool. Now save this and follow it you asshole you.
Until next time. Always take it there.