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There are a lot of traits that make a man, well a man. There are a lot of traits that make T, well T. Sometimes I can be a simple relaxed dude. Sometimes I’m a crazy spontaneous guy. Sometimes I’m a callous jerk. Sometimes I’m borderline genius. Sometimes I’m just a downright stupid idiot. Believe it or not a lot goes into making me who I am. I’m complex yet I’m capable of a lot of things but one thing that I have always had a difficult time with is forgiveness. Honestly, it is something I don’t like. I just don’t. I don’t like dealing with it. It makes me uncomfortable. It is very exhausting. So I went a huge part of my life not forgiving a lot of people. Especially myself. I was never too forgiving when it came to giving me a break or a second chance and just moving on from something. It was an awful quality that I really never liked about myself. For someone who prides himself on having a lot of heart & balls this is something I never wanted to face. But recently I finally did and with that I broke a vicious negative cycle in my life.
The only way I can figure out that I finally realized it was time to want to forgive was when I finally wanted inner peace in my life. Call it some Karate Kid, spiritual, wax on/wax off, feng shui, Fung Wah bus…whatever type shit, but I just knew forgiveness was the way to it. And the only way to start was going after the obvious big ass, 500 pound, purple elephant in the room. It was time to finally put a spear through my big white whale. I had to take the weight of the world off my shoulders that was heavily placed there by one man when I was just 7 years old. It was time to forgive my old man. It was time to make peace with my father. And I did just that. There wasn’t a sit down. There wasn’t a heart to heart. We didn’t crack beers at the game together. We didn’t finally go fishing. We didn’t toss the ol’ ball around in a backyard that never existed. My father would never apologize for everything he did and I would never ask him to be a “dad” at this point in my life. I don’t need a dad now. I did when I was a kid but not now. We will never be father & son. We would never be pals. But with everything that was going on with my mother’s health and the fact that I finally realized that I was grown and I was my own man and I knew that I would never turn into the man he was, I found peace. I didn’t say it to him. But I finally forgave my father. Even if he didn’t deserve it. I finally forgave myself. Because I really did deserve it. And that opened up the gates to freedom for me. I let every past failure go too. I forgave myself for each one. I forgave every girl who burned me and did me wrong. I forgave myself for every stupid thing I did to all those girls. I forgave myself for the past. I forgave myself for the anger. I forgave myself for every fight. I forgave myself for being so hard on myself and all the pressure I had put on myself at such a young age just so I could be something in this world. I did a lot of forgiving. And I was a better man.
With that, I let a lot go. I finally got that inner peace that was missing from my life. It’s weird, but I finally felt complete. I finally felt like I wasn’t a total dickhead. Because let’s face it fellas, sometimes we feel like dickheads. Since then it has been a lot easier dealing with people, with friends, family, life and with myself mostly. If someone wants forgiveness, kind of earns forgiveness, then I’ll give it to them. Because in some ways it’s like forgiving yourself. We all need breaks. We all need to forgive and to move on. Holding on to the bad shit for a long time eats you up inside like a burning, evil, painful disease. TRUST T on this one. I speak from way too much experience on this unfortunately. Learn to forgive people. Give yourself a break. Let the anger go. Find that inner peace. Move the fuck on. I did.
Until next time. Always take it there.
T
T-blawg 