There are so many holidays throughout the year. So many. And everyone usually blows each holiday out of proportion. And rightfully so. They’re special. They’re even more special to the people in relationships, the married and to the kiddies. So where the hell does a single guy fit into each holiday? Well welcome to my friggin’ world people!!! I’ve been the single guy on holidays many a time. So I am a seasoned holiday bro…bro. Now let me share the bro code rules to help all you other bros out during each holiday. You knew this was coming. It’s the Bro Holiday Code yo.
New Year’s Eve/Day
When you’re in college bro you must spend your New Year’s Eve at a house party getting near death drunk with all your buddies. When you’re in your early 20s you must spend your New Year’s Eve at a club paying way too much money for a night that never lives up to the hype. In your late 20s you must spend your New Year’s Eve in a hotel or ballroom dressed up way too much trying to be classier than you all actually are. Beyond that bro? Nothing. Stay home. Get drunk with a chick or your family. But the next day of New Year’s Day? You must always have some form of a hangover regardless of age bro.
You have two options bro… 1. You’re in love and you’re a cheeseball or 2. You’re this
Give someone a fucking basket. Praise Baby Jesus. Quote the comedy classic “Analyze This”….”Heyyyy, Easter weekend!” I mean what else is there to do bro? You’re a grown ass man. Now go home.
Patriot’s Day/Marathon Monday
This was a Boston only holiday. Now the entire country is Boston Strong. Make this day special bro in your own special way. T can’t tell you what to do here. But this one is close to my heart and I’ll celebrate it my way.
First, recognize the military that gives you the freedom to enjoy your damn day off bro. Second….um I don’t even know. Unofficially kick off Summer I guess? Act like a douche who sails? Go down to The Cape? The Hamptons? A lake house cottage??? Is it weird how we celebrate this holiday or is it just me?
4th of July
Get your BBQ, pool, beach, booze, fireworks and America on bro! This is why ‘murica is great! Maybe even spend like 10 hours watching all the Jaws movies on TV holding a sparkler just because you fucking can. America…fuck yeah.
Do absolutely fucking nothing on this day bro. It’s more like Non-Labor Day! Am I right? I said am I right?! Whatever. I’m going back to sleep. Three day weekend fuckers.
Even though I hate people in costumes you have the right to dress up and go to college parties and bars up until the age of 27. Beyond that you are a fucking idiot if you dress up in any way shape or form and go out in public. The only exception is if you’re a dad or father figure doing it for the kiddies. Stop dressing up and going out bro. You’re old. Stay home and have your girlfriend play dress up for you. Seriously. Stop it.
EAT. DRINK. FOOTBALL. Done.
Bring the booze. Bring the dessert. Bring gifts for the kiddies. Eat. Watch “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.” Get your buzz on. Laugh. Eat some more. Hop from house to house. Watch “A Christmas Story.” Get drunk at this point. Maybe even get one gift you actually like from all those people who you spent way too much money on their cheap asses. Watch “Elf.” Eat one more thing. Do that shot with your cousins before you leave. Then go home to a chick that you’re either dating or a possible late Christmas night booty call bro. Then you both eat some more watching “It’s A Wonderful Life.” That’s Christmas bro.
So there you have it. You are now equipped and knowledgeable as a bro in each and every important holiday. Sure there are more holidays out there but I mean what the fuck?! I can only do so much on here! Just take what I give you and man up bro. Now go. And take this with you. I’m going to start charging you for this shit.
Until next time. Always take it there.