T-pisode 195: Bro Code Chapter 14-Bro Gym Code

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Avoid anyone that looks like this guy at your gym
Avoid anyone that looks like this guy at your gym

Some of my Bro Code chapters are nice. Some of my Bro Code chapters are brutal as shit. Well the gym is supposed to be brutal as shit so it only makes sense that I unleash my Bro Gym Code chapter on your asses that way. Toughen up bro. This chapter isn’t nice. This chapter isn’t pretty. But neither you nor your gym should be nice or pretty when it comes to working out. So here it is bros. Nothing nice except it is just the fucking Bro Gym Code.


Naked Locker Room No No
This guy should not be naked. Ever. Not at the gym. Not at home. Not in public. Yet there he is. Naked. And he prolongs his nakedness. Stop talking without your clothes on and get out of here bro! Lift, shower, get dressed, GO!

Gallon of Water Guy
Of course you need to hydrate bro but do you really need to carry an entire gallon of water around the gym with you? Stop it. Either use a normal water bottle like the rest of us or walk your big ass over to the water fountain for a sip. Get the extra cardio in because you are the size of an elephant and have no neck.

Grunting Fuck
Why the fuck are you grunting that loud and you’re only pressing like 45lbs bro?! What the hell is your problem??? You’re not even big. The weight isn’t even heavy. Who are you trying to impress?! SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU ANNOYING ASSCLOWN!

If you are trying to convince me that you are all natural bro then you are also a pothead because yo’ ass is high as shit. Normal dudes don’t swell like that. Normal veins don’t bulge like that. Normal fit muscles don’t look like that. Just calm your roided out ass down for a minute and just admit that you juice. You’re not a pro athlete so you’re not cheating for a living so no one is judging you. But don’t act like all this is natural. Because now you just sound as dumb as you look bro.

Fucking Cell Phone Guy Over Here
Who the fuck are you talking to bro?! Why are you taking up that bench right now?! Why the hell are you in the mirror taking pics of yourself?! I’m about to slap you dude. This is the gym. Get in. Lift. Get out. You ain’t Derek Zoolander! No pics in the gym. No talking on the phone in the gym.

Chicken Legs
You do realize you have to work your legs too bro? No? Ok well you do stupid.

Protein Shake While Lifting? Really?!
Protein shakes are before or after a workout. DO NOT be that guy who walks around downing a shake while he works out. I purposely kick over these guys’ shakes because they are not real bros. They are quite simply assholes.

Over Obsessed with Form Guy
Of course form is important for the best gains and to avoid injury but I’m lifting over here so stop telling me that! It’s distracting! And for fucksake stop touching me you weirdo!

Hot Chicks
There are hot chicks everywhere bro but don’t hit on the hot chicks in your gym. They are there to work out just like you. You’re both all sweaty and gross. You have your headphones in and you’re in the zone. Why mess it up and make things awkward? Don’t eat where you shit. Treat the gym like your temple. Thank me later.

Using 5 Things At Once (“Hey, I’m on that!”) Guy
There is nothing more annoying than when you walk up to a bench and someone yells across the fucking gym “Hey, I’m on that!” WHAT?! Don’t be that guy who uses 5 things at once bro. It is physically impossible. Either ask if you can work in or wait. The gym hog is the biggest douche in the gym.

Over Sweating
Actually, the biggest douche in the gym is the guy who sweats too damn much and doesn’t wipe up after himself. This is gross. You might have AIDs. Clean up yo’ mess you dirty son of a bitch.

There Way Too Long Dope
What the hell are you doing at the gym for 2 and a half hours bro?! You’re overworking yourself is what you’re doing. 45 minutes to an hour and 15 minutes is a bro’s maximum gym workout time. I just made that Bro Law. Go home, you’re done.

Young, Stupid, College Wannabe Trainer
Oh you want to give me a great routine? You know some great supplements that can help me? I should work out my back this way instead? I should sit this way? Breathe that way? Wear those shorts? Try those gloves? Really? REALLY?! You are fucking 12 years old kid! Get out of my way before I kill you. But seriously, try not to kill these idiots bro. They don’t know anything but mean well.

If You Racked It, You Un-rack It
If I catch you leaving your weight on, I will drag you back by your fucking fanny pack full of steroids and make you un-rack every last plate bro. You want to show people how big & strong you are then you should be able to take all the weight back off, you son of a bitch bastard. This is just bad gym etiquette and I won’t put up with it. Not in my house.

Crossfit Dick
To each their own bro but if you’re that Crossfit dick doing some crazy ass weird shit that requires you to use the entire gym floor using all the ropes, kettle bells, chains, wheel barrels, pitchforks, spoons, staplers….whatever, and you get in my way at any time? I’m cracking a 45lb plate upside your fucking head, tucking your dead body in the corner, letting you bleed out leaving you for dead and finishing my workout bro. No fucks will be given from me. Don’t be that guy.


So there it is. All bros work out. All bros go to the gym. But there is Bro Code to be followed at the gym. Print this shit out and tape it all over your fucking gym mirror wall so you can read it next time you think about taking a fucking gym selfie bro and save yourself the fucking embarrassment. And once again, thank T later.


Until next time. Always take it there.