T-pisode 199: What Guys REALLY Think About Her Body

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This is NOT how we see you ladies. Relax.
This is NOT how we see you ladies. Relax.

Ok. I’m letting all the pretty ladies behind the man curtain one more time here on T-blawg. I’m doing what I do best by breaking it down as honest as possible from a man’s point of view. There is no bullshit here because I’m not your husband, your boyfriend or some guy trying to bang you. I don’t have to keep you happy. HE does. My job here is to be honest and entertaining. The women in my real life off of here, I keep happy. Or so that’s what I keep telling myself. Anyway, below is a list. A list about the beautiful female body. Damn you ladies are fine as hell!!! But you still may not want to read this list. I may not want you to read this list. Because I don’t need the hate mail, messages, tweets or comments that I tend to attract. But I’m going to do it anyway. Want to know what men really think about your body? Then here it is. The TRUTH about each body part. One part at a time.


When us guys are young this is not the first thing we notice about you. When we’re young we notice your boobs & ass first and don’t appreciate your eyes. The older we get, the more we love your eyes. And they are the first thing we notice about you. The bigger the better. The longer the eyelashes that flutter the better. I personally love blue but green, brown & hazel? Hey, as long as you let us close enough to look into them, that’s all that matters.

Pink, red, big and luscious. We want to feel like we’re kissing your fucking soul.

Long and thick. Straight. Maybe some waves. NEVER short. NEVER. We don’t like it wet or greasy looking. Your long hair that gets in our face during love making is the stuff we dream about.

The luscious lips. The waxed off hair on the upper lip that we don’t need to know about. Nice, bright, straight teeth. The breath of a baby angel. And always smiling. ALWAYS. We’ll do our best to keep it that way.

You’re a woman so we know you’ll maintain the upkeep. Never a unibrow. Never drawn on your face. That’s it. Simple.

Entire Face
Natural as possible. Happy as possible. And you’ll keep on getting beautiful to us that way. Trust T. You’re more beautiful to a man in your sweats in glasses without makeup than plastering all that stuff on your face before we go out in public. But we do appreciate it when you extra pretty up your already pretty face for a night out with us.

Really ladies, don’t sweat them too much. Big. Small. Medium. Big nipples. Little nipples. Puffy nipples. Real ones. Fake ones. We men will always lose our shit every time you allow us to see and touch them. That’s all that fucking matters.

Tight or curvy fit. That’s it. Too fat? We don’t like it. No ass at all? We don’t like it. Blemishes and cellulite? Hey, it happens. No big deal. But if us guys work out then you should work out so both our asses will be as decent as possible and the effort to maintain is always appreciated. And don’t get mad at us for always trying to touch yo’ fine ass. It drives us crazy because you drive us crazy. Deal with it.

In shape. Short or long? Doesn’t matter. In shape and always hairless. Always. We love rubbing our hands up and down your legs. The trip can be long or short, but it should always be smooth. Get it?

It’s your vagina!!! Hello! That’s the promise land. It is everything we think about every 10 seconds since we hit puberty. Just keep it groomed. Either no hair or a landing strip. 70s bush is fucking gross. And I’m going there….keep it clean. No smell. Trust me, we know how to check for smell without you even knowing. I’ll leave it at that.

A toned back is sexy. A fat back is not. A wide back like a football player is disturbing.

Six packs are overrated. Muffin tops are fucking sickening. Find a happy medium and you’ll find a happy man.

One of the sexiest parts on a woman. We know how sensitive it is and what it does to you when we kiss it, lick it, suck it and breathe all over it. We love your neck.

Small. Big shoulders are for dudes. Keep them small. Pointy shoulders are cute and we’ll tease you about them while we kiss them.

Toned. Not jacked. We don’t like arms bigger than ours. But we do not like squishy fat arms that get squishier when you put them down on your sides pressed against your body. Again, we work out, you can work out.

Nice, smooth, pretty, girly hands. We don’t like man hands. We don’t like fat sausage fingers. We don’t like Megan Fox toe thumbs. We like it when you take care of your nails but don’t obsess over them. We like holding your hands. We like feeling your hands all over our manly bodies.

This one I can’t explain. But if I see a sexy clavicle on you I’ll let you know. And it drives me crazy.

Back Dimples
This is a rarity but back dimples are sexy as fuck. We love to see them as you walk away naked. We love to kiss them on you naked in bed. Have these if you can. Thank you.

Clean, smooth, not greasy, not rough, beautiful skin all over. You’re a woman. This is what makes you, you.

We love the way you smell. All the time. Near us. After a shower. Sleeping in bed. With perfume on. Without it. With your lotions on. Without them. The smell of your hair. The smell of your entire body. Men LOVE the way women smell.

Some guys have feet fetishes. I don’t get it. I don’t have any fetishes. So the same rules to hands apply to feet. Just don’t have freakishly large feet. That is just weird. Keep them clean and soft. We don’t want your feet rubbing up against us in bed like sandpaper. That is annoying and will get yo’ ass tossed out of bed.

Overall Body Package
It goes like this….before we get you? We are allowed to judge all those things about you that I just listed above because we don’t know you yet. Once we get you? None of that shit I listed matters. Because we got you. That’s all that matters.


So there you have it. You wanted the truth about your bodies? Well I gave it to you. I didn’t hold back. No bullshit in that list. And while I am not every guy, I am the guy that will tell you what all the rest won’t. So either thank me or hate me. Just know that T was man enough to finally tell you and that should at least get ol’ T a little break the next time you’re judging my body when you see me.


Until next time. Always take it there.