T-pisode 206: I’m Too Old For This Shit

Well ladies and gentlemen, I’ve come to a point in my life where I now realize that I just may be too old for certain things. Yep. Reality has kicked in kiddies. While I may still be a beast in many aspects of my life. Still strong. Still healthy. Still in shape. Can still go all night long baby!!! There are just some things like the great Roger Murtaugh from the 1987 movie classic, “Lethal Weapon” now have me saying “I’m too old for this shit.” And here is that shit that T is now too old for.

 

The Club
Seriously? I used to love the club. The music. The booze. The women. The vibe. The scene. The sex. Now I hate it. All of it. It’s loud, stupid and filled with slampigs, douchebags, old bartender broads struggling to stay young and poser broke ass promoters! And the music just plain sucks. “I’m too old for this shit.”

MTV
Yeah I know the music videos have been gone for a while now but I can’t stand all the stupid ass reality shows on MTV. It’s all douchebags and young sluts fighting and having babies! Where the hell is Bill Bellamy??? “I’m too old for this shit.”

Graphic T-shirts
I used to throw on the occasional graphic tee when I went out. I’ve always been a button up shirt kind of guy. I rock blazers a lot too. I’m in decent shape still but I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t rock a graphic tee. I feel like a jerk. I look like one too. “I’m too old for this shit.”

Vegas/South Beach/Montreal Benders
I can’t do these trips anymore. These trips are 4 day get-aways with your boys when you all pile up in one room, get the best deals possible and go on a bender. Just straight debauchery in your 20s. Well I’m not in my 20s anymore. I also don’t need to look for cheap hotel room deals because I’m in the next tax bracket now. I’m in Europe now. I loved these bender boys trips but I’m done with them. Because “I’m too old for this shit.”

Drama
I laugh a lot more now. I don’t fight anymore. I’m happy. I no longer cause drama. I no longer tolerate anyone who causes me drama. Period. Whether from women, friends, family, work, what-the fuck-ever. Drama? Yeah…”I’m too old for THAT shit.”

Eating Late
If I eat late now I get fucking agita. Followed by lack of sleep and a shit ton of burping and farting the next day in the office. I can’t eat late anymore dammit! “I’m too old for this shit.”

Bodybuilding
Oh my god I can’t stand the heavy weights, a billion daily protein shakes and hands smelling like a bag of quarters like I did in my early gym days! I can’t do that to my body anymore. It won’t let me. So I’ve grown to detest that lifestyle. I rather hit some light weights, dirty box then scale a mountain Tough Mudder style these days. I can’t be wider than I am tall anymore. “I’m too old for this shit.”

Serial Dating
No more! My dating style has been like job interviewing the last few years. Just taking them just because I could. For practice. For fun. For the hell of it. No more. I can’t date like that anymore. Too many bad women got too much of my time. Too much of my attention. I’m only dating those worth dating from now on. Why? Waaiiittt for it… “I’m too old for this shit.”

Hangovers
I remember a time when I could drink all night then conduct my next day without even being slowed down for one single second. Now? Fuggedaboudit! My hangovers last like 3-5 days and I’m grumpy as fuck to everyone and I don’t want to do shit! I can’t handle my hangovers anymore. This is my darkest hour. “I’m too old for this shit.”

Your sister/little cousin/girlfriend/fiancé/wife
I banged them all. But all of them suck now. I guess they always did. You are all blocked out of my life. My days of being your side dick? Over. “I’m too old for this shit.”

T-blawg Groupies
I love my fans. Yes, I can say that now. I have fans. And I had one hell of a run with the young, slutty T-blawg groupies the first two years this site existed. But now I realized you all want that guy. The guy I wrote about the first 2-3 years on this site. Well those stories were about a different man. A younger man. An asshole. A psychopath. Now when you meet the grown man, the grown version of T most of you can’t handle him. You don’t deserve him. You don’t “get” the gentleman. So I can’t mess with you anymore. Yes, I know I’m too old for you now because “I’m too old for YOUR shit.” See what I did there?

Lines
T never did lines. I still won’t wait in lines. If I can’t get in, I walk away. Grown men don’t do lines because “We’re too old for this shit.”

Social Media Fights
Really? You want to argue with me on social media? On Facebook? On Twitter? On Instagram? On MY own site??? Hahaha! Get the fuck out of here! Learn how to take a joke because you don’t want to get into a verbal battle with me. You can’t outwit T. He’s too smart for you. Plus only 12 year-olds fight on social media! I only fight with Dane Cook on there. That fucker. But I won’t fight with real people on that shit anymore. I learned from my past mistakes. “I’m too old for this shit.”

Showing up on club promoters websites/social media pages
No. I shouldn’t be on them. You shouldn’t be on them. That’s just embarrassing if you’re over the age of 25. “I’m too old for this shit.” You are too.

Sleeping in
I’ve never been one to sleep in really. But now I can’t even sleep past 8AM on the damn weekend! Can I at least sleep until like 10??? Noooo. My brain and body won’t let me. This may be the worst thing about getting old. Wanting to sleep when you have the time to do it but you just can’t anymore. There is no reason a man needs to get up earlier and earlier the older he gets! This must be some form of punishment from the sleeping gods when I never slept in during my younger crazy days. Damn you. Damn you all because sadly…”I’m too old for this shit.”

 

So there they are. All of the things that I am now officially or unofficially too old for. And it sucks. But hey, that’s life yo. That’s growing up. And I kind of earned being too old for all those things with the life I’ve lived. The way I’ve lived. Man, I had a great run. So thank you life. But it’s time to move on from that stuff right? I used to live like crazy ass Riggs and now I’m more like old ass Murtaugh? Nahhhh! I’ll always be crazy! I’ll never be too old to not be crazy.

 

Until next time. Always take it there.

T